Wednesday, November 18, 2009 fuschia asks

Q: My depressed boyfriend wants me to leave the relationship despite still being in love with me.

My severe depressed boyfriend wants me to leave the relationship just so i won't have to go through difficult times with him. I love him and he loves me too, and I can't leave him. Because I am adamant, he now heavy heartedly ignores all my calls. He claims my life with him will not be a happy one anymore as his depression is getting bad. The more I try to be with him the more he feels guilty dragging me into all these.

I am worried sick about him and a complete cut of communication with him makes me all the more fearful. I am not a very stable person myself and I am afraid this whole chapter will start me back on my depression days. This is merely because I am starting to have horrible thoughts and I am going on days without proper sleep or food.

How am I to handle this situation?

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Answers (2)

Judy

11/18/09 11:14am

Hello, Fuschia. Is your boyfriend getting any treatment at all for his depression? If he isn't, maybe a break is a good thing from the standpoint of him not pulling his weight in the relationship. Of course, his thinking is distorted right now and he might get better by himself, maybe not. I think one thing you could do for yourself is get a therapist so you have some support, especially if you feel you might sink back into depression - maybe you have one already, I don't know. I'm sorry this is happening to you, it certainly doesn't seem fair when here you are, ready to be there and he's unable to be accepting of your support.

If he is getting help and starts feeling better, he could completely turn around, but you have to decide how long you're going to wait and put your life on hold. I hope everything turns out okay, one way or the other, and please feel free to write here any time.

fuschia

11/18/09 11:48am

Hi Judy. Thanks for responding to my question. My boyfriend is going for treatment at the moment. For 3 years he quit his medication, treatments and was doing fine until lately when matters regarding his job and his family started pressuring him. To be honest I do feel i'm in an unfair situation and I'm starting to think that relationships can only happen if both are in perfect good health or it'll never work at all. For two weeks now I've been completely ignored and I let it be that way. Reason being that whenever I try to get close and help, he tends to be more aggressive which he has never been to me ever since I got to know him. Sometimes it feels like I don't know him anymore. At the same time it just gets harder as days pass by without hearing a word from him. Perhaps I shall take your advise and wait since he is getting treated and being started back on his medications. Thanks again for the reply. I'm very grateful.

Judy

11/18/09 12:10pm

Hi, Fuschia. I hope this works out. I don't think, though, that people have to be in perfect health for a relationship to work; we are all flawed in one way or another and it is in the understanding and acceptance of those flaws that the relationship can grow. I think it's more of a problem when two people are at different stages of self-understanding or emotional maturity and then can't communicate. As long as people are willing to grow and change, there is hope.

wrecked

11/18/09 7:10pm

Love isn't about finding the perfect person, but seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

The best thing to do is let him know you care, let it go, and get help for yourself. The more you push, the more he gets frustrated. If he is getting treatment, give him some time. You can't help much if you are exhausted yourself. I have been there and came out on the other end just fine. I fell into a deep depression in the beginning of my boyfriend shutting me out, taking Nyquil just to sleep for half the day. But once I started to take care of myself, learned as much as I could and just understood, that is when I notice his walls breaking down. You are the one that counts the most, be okay with yourself then you will shine for someone else

John Doe III

11/18/09 11:54pm

Use your brain, not your heart for a change. Forget wasting money on expensive help.

Have a local radio station play Paul Simons record "50 ways to leave your Lover."

Life is tough enough without having to carry this Loser with you. Take him to his Mom's house, and quietly leave. Problems solved, yours and his.

MACEYMOM

11/18/09 12:34pm

Hi Fuschia,

I feel like Judy that all relationships have their ups and downs but the ones that stay together are the ones that can survive "the storms". Have you tried writing him a letter since he won't anwser your phone calls. Or going by his house and just voicing your opinion. When you have exhausted every possiblility then its time to quit and let him come to you or come around. Maybe things will turn around for you when he starts taking his medication.

I remember when I first started on antidepressants it made me feel so much better. I would rant and rave to my boss about how the office was ran. I started taking the medication and now just sit in my own little world with headphones on. It helps my blood pressure.

I hope this helps.

Q: My depressed boyfriend wants me to leave the relationship despite still being in love with me.

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