I really want to do the right thing.I am in a relatively new relationship. We started as friends and evolved from there. I love him very much. All along I have recognized that he has a need to seperate himself from time to time and just shut completely down for a few days. I accepted and respected this although at times it was confusing for me. He has been away for a month on business and we have kept in constant contact and the conversations have been great. At the end of his trip he was not able to secure the business outcome he would have desired. I could see and hear his attitude turning very negative but I usually am able to make him laugh and feel better. Not this time. This time he totally disengaged stop answering my phone calls and emails. He came home this weekend as was expected, so I went to see him. He would not answer the door and his house was pitch black. At that point, I started to take his behavior personally. I called and left a message asking that he please answer the door and tell me why he was avoiding me. He sent me a text reply "I just want to be alone please". I replied "I will do that for you but i need to know if you are mad at me about something". He replied "not mad just worn out please understand". To that I said "I'm trying - I was just excited to see your face".Only after this did I learn that he suffers from severe depression. Now I feel completely awful for trying to stand up for myself and I am fearful that I may have pushed him further away. My question is: what can I do at this point? Should I just leave him alone as I said I would or is there some non-threatening thing I should be doing to let him know I care and I am sorry? Or have I already done that in the text message and just need to leave him alone? I am very sad that I behaved that way but I had no way of knowing. I don't want him to feel alone or deserted.Thank you so much, any help will be deeply appreciated.
Q: Hi,I have a question that only someone who is directly affected by depression can answer.
Suzy,
You may get differing opinions on this, but I'll give you my thoughts bassed on living with a bipolar mother as well as having had depression for many years myself. OK?
I tend to crawl in a hole and keep other people out, BUT that happens when my deprssion isn't responding to treatment. When my meds are working well, I still need time to myself, as we all do, but just short, reasonable periods. So, it seems to me that if he's being treated for depression, his treatment isn't working well.
It's hard to know how to approach this because people react differently.
If this is a relationship you want to continue, you and he need to talk about his depression and treatment. I would think the time to do that is not now, but when he comes out of this spell and seems to be feeling well. It's important that the people close to us understand depression and how it affects us.
Suzy, this is a lot for you in a relatively new relationship. Partners of people with depression have to look out for themselves too. Depression shouldn't be an excuse for us to treat our partners badly or shut them out and disappear for days. If and when we do those things it's either because our treatment isn't working well or, honestly, because we're just being thoughtless and using depression as an excuse. My ex husband would do that. He's disappear for days and blame it on depression. It turned out that he just wanted to run around with is friends and used depression as an excuse. I'm not saying that's what your friend is doing. I'm just saying that you need to take care of yourself too.
Good luck,
Teri
Hi Suzyr7,
Question: Is he being treated for depression?
Depressed people can be abusers in the sense that they want you then they dont want you. If he is depressed then he needs to get treatment. If he's being treated is it time to re-evaluate the treatment?
If you didnt know he is depressed then would you accept this type of treatment from him.
Do you really want to stay in a relationship like this?
Seriously, if I was my wife I would a run along time ago and not stopped to look back.
Sounds like you have one idea about the relationship and he has a different one. Next time he contacts you ask him what he would be happy with in this relationship so you can decide wether to move on or not. If you're content with what he says then hold him to it.
Hope this helps.
Pat
sounds like he is using his depression as an excuse to be antisocial... be careful about getting pushed around....
Hi, I think you should ask yourself, "Do I want to be on an emotional rollar coaster for the next several years to come?" Even with the best of treatment (if he IS even being treated like the others questioned), the underlying issues he might have that stem from his past may keep him fighting "Failure" for a long time. This will continue the push-me-pull-me effect he has with you and is pulling drastically on your heart strings already. Guarantee it will not go away overnite! Sounds like you have a good heart, but is it strong enough to endure this for a long time to come? It takes a long time to get to know someone truly, and how can you do that if he won't open up.
Maybe's he's been so hurt in the past he's afraid to lose you if he opens up. That is common with depression, however, it is not your problem or your weight to carry. You're already expending too much energy worrying and wondering. Maybe this, maybe that...for all you know he could be a sociopath. They are very cunning and convincing so be careful. He needs fixing but that's not your job, he has to reach out himself. So my suggestion is he needs to talk or you need to walk but then I'm no doctor. Just don't be left in the dark it will eat you up. You could end up stuck with someone who lashes out in anger every time you pry and by the sounds of you, you could end up being an enabler and that's almost a crime-happens all the time! Good-Luck
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