No one seems to understand how bad the depression hurts. At times it hurts so bad that I am unable to tolerate it. It feels like a big naught in my chest. The only thing I do besides sleep is go to work and that is only because I have to. My psych has me on cymbalta wellbutrin and for anxiety, ativan. The reason I have no life other than work is I have no desire. Is there a reason for this or are the medicines not quiet right? I have been taking these medicines for about a year now, is there away I can change this in my way of life? When asked if I would like to go somewhere or do something I am always quick to respond that I don't feel well and make up what ever excuse works to get out of it.They say that suicidal thoughts are selfish, but to make a person suffer with as much pain as I have seems unhumane and slfish of them. How can one think it OK to make a person suffer with this much pain?
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You are right...depression does hurt. It does cause great suffering. For those of us who suffer from depression I am sure we would not wish it on our worst enemy.
I am wondering how else you are treating your depression aside from your meds. Are you also in therapy? Do you have any supports?
I cannot give you happiness on a silver platter or tell you that it is all going to be better if you just do X, Y and Z.
But I can say that I know from my experience that it won't get better if you sink into your depression. You do have to take steps towards wellness no matter how small. And you have done so today by coming here to reach out for help. Your depression is causing you to think everything is hopeless. It is not.
Tell us more about the pain...where does it come from? What is it you are experiencing?
After I was released from the Behavioral health and medicine clinic, I found a therapist that handels suicidal patients and that was approved with my insurance. I countinued to see her once a week for about 6 months. The biggest problems I have is, it is hard for me to open up and be comfortable talking to anyone about personal issues. I just didn't feel like I was making much progress with her. To the point of, were the $25 copayment seemed more like a waste of money that I couldn't afford to really waste. This therapist was very nice and there was no reason to feel uncomfertable talking to her. The only support I have is my 20 year old son and his fiance. My son is like my best friend, although sense he got together with his fiance, I do feel a distance coming between us. I get along great with his girl and he doesn't think there is a growing distance between us, but I see it there. I use to be able to tell him everything, and he would tell me everthing. lately it just isn't the same. I am still living with his dad and we have never got married. We have been together about 22 years and also have a 16 year old daughter.
With my depression he is not supportive and thinks of it as a joke, or something I have control over. He doesn't see it as being real medical problem. Now on the other hand I don't feel like i have any control over it, and when it hits it hits hard. The times I was suicidal, it isn't that I was suicidal, I just wanted to stop feeling the pain. It is like a big naght in my chest that gets so painfully extreme that I don't want to feel anymore, and I keep taking more and more medicine hoping that it will go away. It doesn't go away but I do make myself extremely sick in the process. The other big problem I have is I have a big heart to the point were I will give even when I no longer have anything to give and then I end up more depressed. I put every one elses problems before mine. When I have a problem it seems as if there is no one there to help me. It is as though every one takes advantage of me. I try to always be there when some one needs my help, but when I need help there is never anyone there.
I have this guilt I can't over come where I think everything is my fault. In my mind I believe that it is something I did or didn't do and that is why bad things happen, or good things don't. I spend most of the time, when I am not working, by myself. That is when I think. I wish I could just stop thinking or stop caring so much and I might be okay but I can't my mind just keeps going.
I had to have my dog put to sleep Monday. She was 14 years old and I have had her ever sense she was a puppy. She was an inside dog. I knew the time was coming soon. How would I know when it was time I certainly did not want her to have to suffer. Will the answer came Monday morning when she could no longer get up on to her feet. She just lay there and went to the bathroom and couldn't even move away from it. I cleaned it up and brought her some water all she could do was lift her head to get a drink.
I don't have alot of money right now, but I could not see taking her to the pound and just leaving her. She would be so scared and that is not how I would want her to go. I called around to find out who was the cheapest, and made an appointment for that day. I was able to stay with her to the end. She had a way of expressing herself with her ears. When they were down she she wasn't happy and when they were up she was happy. After they gave her the first shot her ears were up and she looked happy. That told me that I was doing the right thing, but it just broke my heart and tore me up inside. Now I feel like I have fallen back a step and want to climb back in my hole and sleep all the time. That way I don't have to face life any more.