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 After I was released from the Behavioral health and medicine clinic, I  found a therapist that handels suicidal patients and that was approved with my insurance. I  countinued to see her once a week for about 6 months. The biggest problems I have is, it is hard for me to open up and be comfortable talking to anyone about personal issues. I just didn't feel like I was making much progress with her.  To the point of, were the $25 copayment seemed more like a waste of money that I couldn't afford to really waste. This therapist was very nice and there was no reason to feel  uncomfertable talking to her. The only support I have is my 20 year old son and his fiance. My son is like my best friend, although sense he got together with his fiance, I do feel a distance coming between us. I get along great with his girl and he doesn't think there is a growing distance between us, but I see it there. I use to be able to tell him everything, and he would tell me everthing. lately it just isn't the same. I am still living with his dad and we have never got married. We have been together about 22 years and also have a 16 year old daughter.      With my depression he is not supportive and thinks of it as a joke, or something I have control over. He doesn't see it as being real medical problem.  Now on the other hand I don't feel like i have any control over it, and when it hits it hits hard. The times I was suicidal, it isn't that I was suicidal, I just wanted to stop feeling the pain. It is like a big naght in my chest that gets so painfully extreme that I don't want to feel  anymore, and I keep taking more and more medicine hoping that it will go away. It doesn't go away but I do make myself extremely sick in the process. The other big problem I have is I have a big heart to the point were I will give even when I no longer have anything to give and then I end up more depressed. I put every one elses problems before mine. When I have a problem it seems as if there is no one there to help me. It is as though every one takes advantage of me. I try to always be there when some one needs my help, but when I need help there is never anyone there.      I have this guilt I can't over come where I think everything is my fault. In my mind I believe that it is something I did or didn't do and that is why bad things happen, or good things don't. I spend most of the time, when I am not working, by myself. That is when I think. I wish I could just stop thinking or stop caring so much and I might be okay but I can't my mind just keeps going.