Hi -

I used to have the same problem with a close friend but never found a good way of dealing with it at that time. One day I just told him that I couldn't listen to him anymore. To save my own sanity, I stopped talking to him - that was a desperate last resort thing to do, but it was all I could think of. I wouldn't do it again if the same problem came up for me today. I think the closer you are to some one the deeper their issues can bore into you. Pouring his emotional problems on you shows that he could use some regular help in sorting out what he's going through. He's probably so wrapped up in his own turmoil that he's not thinking of you and the effect he might be having on you.

I would suggest that you find a supportive way to remind him of a couple of things. One is that you care for him enough that hearing all this affects you deeply and you don't know how to handle it. As a friend you can see he's hurting but feel at a loss as to how you might help. Also, you could suggest that he might benefit more from talking to someone who could listen more objectively the way a therapist or counselor could. It's risky to a friendship to discuss this since his depression makes it easy to put the worst interpretation on everything. But talking this way to you doesn't seem to help him very much and can do you harm, as you're feeling it now.

I think an approach like this is the best thing you could do for him.

John

Izzy

10/16/10 10:03am

Hi,

 

My friend speaks to the school social worker once a week as she's not always around, the problem seem to be after the appointments. He says that she helps him to talk but then there is always an excess of emotions left over that never really gets addressed. Normally in a situation like this I would have done what you shared in that I would be more assertive in saying "this really isn't working" and walking away. The problem I'd feel guilty doing so right now..

 

Why?

 

- This summer after a devistating fight his father passed away from cancer

- His family situation outside of this isn't a good one, and he lacks family support

- His friends have all up and left deciding he's just too screwed up to be around

 

Essentially I'm it, I'm "his person" I'm the one person who is trying somehow to still be there. The thing is its exhausting...and I'm finding that since no one else is giving him their attention he's always there. I don't get any "recharge" time.

 

I'm torn because I know what it feels like to go through everything and have no one, but at the same time I know that if I keep this up I'll have no energy to give to other facets of my life.

 

Maybe I sound selfish in that way.. I don't know