In October, my boyfriend told me that he did not feel himself anymore and he felt his feelings had changed towards me. At the time, I did not understand how feelings could change so quickly, he didn't understand either. So we tried to work through it. For a couple weeks, we did things as normal. Then he said he still felt the same, it killed him, but he couldn't explain it. I suggested maybe we do our own things during the weekends, just for space. So we were still together, but barely saw eachother. I work one day a week at the same place he does, so I would see him then and we'd be good. We also still talked everyday, many times during the day. A month or so went by and he told me he thinks he is depressed. He has had it rough, so I understand how it could be. He feels down, but I was always the one who made him happy and now even I couldn't do that. February came and he told me he didn't know if he could do it anymore. He feels like he needs to take care of himself and make sure he is ok with himself before he can continue in a relationship. He said he wouldn't hesitate to come back if his feelings changed because maybe he needed time. He said he still loved me and always will, but needs to get his head right. SO we broke up and didn't talk. Almost a week later, he got in touch with me, letting me know how he thinks about me all the time, he misses me, and knows he probably made the biggest mistake by letting me go, but he needs to do this on his own and get right. I responded to his text by just saying I think of him too and hope all is well. Later in that week, he text me again letting me know he was thinking of me and that I'm all he thinks about. We talked and he said he realized he can't not talk to me. Before he had me to help him and to talk to him, but since we broke up and didn't talk things have been dark and scary, he feels lost and truly misses me and loves me. He said he still thinks he needs to get his mind right and figure things out by himself, but wants to become the man he was to me again and said he will become that person. So since then we have talked all day, everyday.He says he loves me and we legitimately care for each other, he has been very supportive and helpful with anything I've been going through in the last couple of months also. He hasn't seen anyone about his depression yet, but has started making healthier changes in his life and has researched it online. He is so good at covering it up. When he is at work or out, you wouldn't expect that he is depressed because he covers it up, but inside he is dying. Lately, it has been a little hard because I want "us" again and I know I need to be patient and understanding and I know depression is an illness. I just don't know what to do to help him or myself, sometimes I feel like I'm getting stuck in a trap also. I love him and will be there for him, I just need some help in how to help him, what I should expect to feel, and how to make sure I don't go nuts in the process! I just know he is the one, we were together for over 6 years. There were a lot of plans we made for ourselves for our future and I know we will get there, its just getting through this. It is just real hard at times.
Q: My boyfriend and I split up after over 6 years because of his depression.
Hi Smile,
Thanks for your question. I'm not a relationship counselor and on the face of it I wonder if this is what your situation is really about (rather than depression I mean).
You ask about what you're supposed to feel. There's no 'supposed' to consider - you feel what you feel and that's it. From what I can tell you feel perplexed and from your posting, I think I feel the same way.
I suppose I find it a little odd that depression is being used in a way that is meant to justify why your relationship seems to have hit a rough patch. Depression can certainly affect judgement but it seems your partner/boyfriend is somewhat ambivalent as to what he actually wants. Your own perspective comes across as a little desperate and wishful.
I'm not sure what to suggest beyond what seems obvious to me. So, the most obvious thing for someone who is depressed is to suggest therapy in order to aleviate the worst of the symptoms. Secondly there sounds like a communication issue between you that has become a little circular. Perhaps this needs another person to help draw out the issues. For your own wellbeing I suggest you consider how this situation might resolve itself and what actions you might take to promote this.
Hi Smile,
I see that your post is over a year old, but it really hit home to me. I am going through something extremely similar to what you were going through when you wrote this. My boyfriend silently battles depression and none of our friends know. I have very little support and have been taking it very hard that he no longer can see a future for himself, let alone seeing the future together that we used to talk about before the depression set in. I feel sad missing how we used to be, guilty wondering if I somehow contributed to the depression, and lonely because I keep all of my feelings regarding this to myself. We really do have a good relationship and I truly want to hold on to it, but I feel like the depression is getting the best of us. Do you have any advice you could share with me? How did your situation work out? What did you do that helped, or what would you have liked to do differently?
Anything you can share with me would really be appreciated. I hope your situation worked out for the best. It is very hard and I am thankful I found your post.
Hi Cookies,
It has been over a year since I wrote this post. It was a tough and very emotional year, but I am happy to say we're making it and doing great. It was probably last June (2010) when we started hanging out a lot more and then escalated from there. It was, however, a tough road. I identified with every emotion you described in your post. As we were going through our difficult times I constantly thought about what I had done wrong to contribute to his sadness. I replayed all of the times I was nasty or unfair. I also replayed all the times he was so sweet up until we broke up and could not make sense of how we got to where we were. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
During this time, I read everything I could on depression, which led me to this site. This site has been a great tool and resource. Discussion boards like this one made me feel like I wasn't alone and maybe it wasn't my fault after all. You are doing the right thing by educating yourself and you have done nothing to cause depression, there are other aspects of his life that attribute to this condition. That is something very important that you need to engrave in your mind. What I have come to know is there was no way I could understand what was going through his mind if I didn't understand depression myself. Men can be poor communicators and depression just makes it 10x worse, so I had to figure out about this condition myself. Although my boyfriend and I were separated we spoke every day. I tried my hardest to maintain that contact and tried to give him his space. Every once and awhile I would ask about his feelings and us. Sometimes, I may have laid it on too thick because I was upset with not being an "us" anymore. I guess that's one important piece of advice I can give: be patient and understand that he is hurting because he knows you are. As hard as it is to not discuss your relationship all the time, try not to. Just let him know you are there and that there is no pressure. I would just let my boyfriend know that I was there and wasn't going anywhere. He doesn't have a supportive person or that constant support in his life so I just tried to alway reitorate that I was that person for him. When he was ready, I was ready. Also, I am a religious person. I prayed and prayed for him to feel better and get the strength to get help. I prayed for us to be a stronger couple. God works in mysterious ways and if you listen, he answers. Look to Him for strength, he will provide.
In the meantime, I went out with friends I didn't always see, worked extra hours, spent time with friends, whatever I could to keep busy. While all of that helped it was so so so hard. I'm sorry you are going through this, but be patient and loving. If he sees that and knows you are there and it is meant to be, you two will be stronger because of this. I hope I answered youe questions, if not please don't hesitate to ask more. Please feel free to keep in contact, I know how much you are hurting now so anything I can do to help, please let me know. Good luck.
Hi Smile,
I can really relate to your situation, too. My boyfriend is going through a divorce. We were together for 15 months. Originally he promised me everything under the sun, but later he got really depressed about his failure with his children and in relationships in general, realizing that he has problems in his personality. So, he was doing nothing about his divorce and because one of the kids is a minor I was also a secret to his children. He started having terrible panic attacks and difficulty sleeping. He finally suggested seeing my therapist because we both believe he is great, but he backed away from that, too. For me, that was the last straw. It's bad enough to be dating a legally married man, but when he also would not get help I had to tell him I couldn't see him anymore, even though I love him and feel quite sure he loves me. Now, I wonder if he will come back to me. I can't contact him or the same cycle will continue. Even if he contacts me, I feel I can't take him back unless he does one of three things: 1) begins to legally extricate himself from his marriage; 2) tells his 15-year-old daughter about me; or 3) sees a very good therapist who can help him.
Important:
We hope you find this general health information helpful. Please note however, that this Q&A is meant to support not replace the professional medical advice you receive from your doctor. No information in the Answers above is intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The views expressed in the Answers above belong to the individuals who posted them and do not necessarily reflect the views of Remedy Health Media. Remedy Health Media does not review or edit content posted by our community members, but reserves the right to remove any material it deems inappropriate.
Featuring Content From:
By using this service, you accept our Terms of Use. Please read them. The consumer health information on is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. You should promptly seek professional medical care if you have any concern about your health, and you should always consult your physician before starting a fitness regimen. Copyright © 2012 Remedy Health Media, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Jerry-
Thanks for your insight and rereading my question, I can see how it came off a little desperate. I guess what I'm saying I know he is depressed, the hardest part is I cannot talk about it to anyone out of respect for him, so its hard to keep all of the emotions that come along with "being there" for someone with depression inside and sorting them out by myself. So I guess I should've asked what do I do? How should I feel, is it normal to feel frustrated, upset, and like I don't understand even though I research depression like crazy. I recently have changed my job situation so burying myself in my work is not an option anymore, which has helped in the past. I know deep down we are meant to be together. Throughout all of this I still see him as it, forever. I know the feelings are reciprocated....the issue is just when he will feel like himself again. I do not mind being there for him and finding myself in the meentime because it has been "us" for so long. Honestly, I have learned a lot so far. I guess I am just asking if my feelings and misunderstandings and hardships and sadness is normal. I just don't know what is normal for me to feel and how to deal with those feelings. I also would like him to talk to a professional and I don't know how to do that. He hates to be pushed into anything, but I truly think it will help. I know I can't push, how do I go about this?