Hi, Felice.  I am glad to hear that you've recognized how your partner was controlling your entire life.  Did you leave this relationship?  I would suggest that you find a therapist to help you deal with the effects of the abuse and perhaps this person can also help you find a support group for people who are recovering from abusive relationships.  It will take a while, but it's really easier if you have some support.  Good for you for not putting up with it any more - and it will be really good for your kids, too.

Take care, I wish you all the best.

If you do have his shotgun, take it to a pawn shop and at least get some money out of it.  You don't need any "easy way out" right now.

The strange thing about your story, is I went through exactly the same thing with my ex for 13 years.  Only we didn't have children, which I understand massively expands your concerns.  I wasn't about to have children with that jerk...actually, I lucked out and just didn't get pregnant then got a hysterectomy in my 30's.

My husband was both a coward and a bully.  I am positive I did everything possible to get him to love me and take care of me, like a husband should.  I treated him like a king and he treated me like the scullery maid.  Yet I don't think he every told me I did anything right.  He was sexually and socially and emotionally abusive.  I had to work at the same place he did so he could keep an eye on me.  My husband was also into cross-dressing and pornography on the internet.  If he had cross-dressed as a pig it would have been more believable than his cross-dressing as a woman.  He didn't want me to see my friends or family anymore, so I became a recluse.  As you have done.

I thought divorce would make everything easier.  Get rid of the bastard, I thought, and go on with my life.  But he had already destroyed my self-image.  I remember the day after I phoned from a mental hospital and told him to get his stuff and get out before I was discharged.  When I got home, he was blessedly gone.  But I really missed having a warm body in the med next to me at night.  I missed someone else helping pay the rent and take care of the yard and the car.  I had to learn to do all these things on my own, and finally the house went into foreclosure because I couldn't afford it.  I loved that house -- I sat down with an architect and designed it.  I picked out the paint, wallpaper, color of brick, flooring, and everything else.  It was the only thing my husband ever put me in charge of, and sometimes I think it was his way of keeping me busy for a while so he could do his own thing.

After I filed for divorce the next day (my parents paid for it -- they were happy to get him out of their lives, too) I went home and sat on my porch and almost smoked myself into a coma.  There was a measure of relief, but also one of panic -- could I take care of everything myself?  I had been diagnosed alternately with bipolar disorder, major depression and schizophrenia so I didn't exactly have the mental resources I needed to confront living alone.  It took many such weeks of mourning my horrible marriage, tring to get adjusted to psychiatric medications, figuring out how to tell people what had happened.  And we were still working at the same place!

So I really do understand at least some of what you are talking about.  How long will it take you to adjust?  It's different with everyone.  But believe me, once you get back into the swing of taking care of the money, feeling like you can go outside again (it will happen), and going through a grief process, you'll be better prepared to take your children back or at least be granted regular visitation rights.  They need encouragement to be themselves, too.

Healing comes in time and with a little patience.  Don't blame yourself for any of this.  I believe I would not have gone over the edge mentally if it had not been for my ex's abuse -- give yourself plenty of time and space to adjust.  I discovered a friend at work I could talk to about anything and that helped a lot.  We even dated for a while after my ex and I separated and are still very close friends.

Best wishes, friend.