Ive been analyzing myself, my lifestyle, my surroundings...Everyone around me thinks I'm a happy person, and that i'm the nicest and most easiest person to be around. They think i'm excellent at handling stress. I wish it were true... Honestly, the littlest things are capable of ruining my day. I only put up a front, showing smiles and patience with everything i do or that's thrown at me. I feel so FAKE. I feel like i don't even know who i am anymore. I used to be able to tell when I was legitimately upset by something, but now I can't tell the difference between my depression and the things that are supposed to upset me. It's ruining every part of my life. Recently, EVERYDAY, i think about the possibility of my death. I don't want to kill myself, but I feel like I shouldn't have been born anyway, so it'd be a good thing if I died somehow today. I'm sick of my life. I want to appreciate the good things again. I can't afford anything though. I don't have help. I really messed up my career by taking all the classes i hated in university. so i flunked out. although i still currently have a job, its barely enough to pay for my community college courses as well as bills and whatnot. My parents are disappointed in me. Not only are they not supportive in any way, they are abusive with words and mind games. My sibling looks down on me. i feel like a dishonor and a burden to my family. my old friends, whom i use to spend most of life with, have left me out of their lives. they have amazing careers and lifestyles that i envy so very much. the closest friends i have now, i can't even talk to. i'm afraid that somehow i'd loose them too. actually, i have a wonderful boyfriend who takes care or me very well...which is also why i feel so bad about myself...he has given me so much but i am unable to give him anything positive in return. i'm surprised he hasn't broken up with me yet. but the severity of my depression has taken so much of me. i can't seem to balance anything other than work.work is the only place i find peace...work is my buffer. I have so many goals in life that I feel I'll never have the motivation to accomplish. i use to be so talented in so many ways...whether it be problem solving, artistic, social or even recreation. I don't want to be another loss to suicide but my body is sick of my brain telling me that I can't be happy. I'm really really REALLY scared...
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Judy offers some good advice in terms of your focus and comparing yourself to others.
Looking at your comment it strikes me that you have reached a kind of crisis point in your life. You've begun to take stock and you're unhappy with what you see. Actually a great many people go through exactly the same process and you might be surprised to learn that some seemingly highly accomplished people view their lives as wasteful, fraudulent and often pointless.
What influences these beliefs varies from person to person but we are very often our own worst enemy when it comes to self-evaluation. You, like everyone else, have a public and a private persona. The point you have reached suggests it has become burdensome and weary to continue with what you regard as something of a charade. I suspect you carry the weight of this needlessly, perhaps concerned that people will view you more negatively if the show you put on shows cracks? You talk about "everything you do and everything that's thrown at you" which sounds as though you've become a door against which battering rams are regularly used.
There is a sense of loss and grief in your post as when you mention your artistic, social and other skills. And, you appear almost surprised that your caring boyfriend is still with you. I'm reflecting these things back to you because of two things. The first is to remind you that you still have a number of positive qualities and skills at your disposal, whether or not you feel they are dormant. The second is to consider this low point as a possible time of transition - a way to motivate yourself towards considering changes that might be more fulfilling and less stressful.
Perhaps it's hard to think clearly at the moment? As Judy says, you do sound depressed and thoughts of death (whether you feel actively suicidal or not) are not a good sign so you should, I think, consider professional help.
Feel free to float ideas here. We may not be able to offer solutions but you've reached out and that's a positive action we're all happy to support.
You definitely sound depressed and you should not delay getting help. If you live in the U.S., the county you live in should have a mental health clinic that most likely charges on a sliding fee scale. You can even call them if you feel like you might harm yourself and they usually have emergency services. Other possibilities are going to a hospital emergency room or calling 9-1-1. I know what it's like to live with parents like yours so if you can focus on a plan to get out of that situation, that might give you some energy. When we're depressed, we tend to project our own negative feelings onto everyone else, so this doesn't help because it can distort reality. Try not to put any energy into what you feel are failures or to compare yourself to others. I lived most of my life pretty much the way you describe and didn't do as well career-wise as I might of had I had the right kind of support, but there are other things that are valuable in life besides a career. Even though I did okay in mine, it ended up being a nightmare during the last years before I retired.
I hope you will try to get some help, but let us know if you have trouble finding resources and perhaps we can figure something out. We also want to hear how you're doing, regardless - that's what this community is for. Take care, you are worth it.
Thanks for taking your time to put in thoughts and advice. Ive been thinking a lot the past week. I have been suicidal before. The only things keeping alive are responsibilities, more responsibilities, and people who actually appreciate me. Ive always been a responsible person. I'm relied upon by many many people. They are the ones who appreciate me and keep me in a positive mind set. I was reminded by you guys as well as my BF and some close friends. I do have something worth living for. I do have good qualities. I should continue reaching my goals and by doing so i will be able to move on from this terrible mess of a crisis i put myself in. I feel so lucky that I am blessed with wise advice givers who open my mind and people who actually care. Thank you, once again.
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Thanks for taking your time to put in thoughts and advice. Ive been thinking a lot the past week. I have been suicidal before. The only things keeping alive are responsibilities, more responsibilities, and people who actually appreciate me. Ive always been a responsible person. I'm relied upon by many many people. They are the ones who appreciate me and keep me in a positive mind set. I was reminded by you guys as well as my BF and some close friends. I do have something worth living for. I do have good qualities. I should continue reaching my goals and by doing so i will be able to move on from this terrible mess of a crisis i put myself in. I feel so lucky that I am blessed with wise advice givers who open my mind and people who actually care. Thank you, once again.