I have made a series of mistakes that I cannot forgive myself for.  I called a peer "lesbian" and stupid because she asked "Are you mad at me?" a lot.  For that stupid reason, I ruined her life.  I couldn't even remember why I felt the need to do something like that. But at the time, I had no realization that I did something horribly wrong.  then, a year later, I became very mean and very cold, kicking boys and taking everything so seriously as if someone said "Hey, did you get those shoes from Target?" that I would accuse them of calling me poor.  Only this summer did I realize this.  I also realized how horrible I've been to my brother.  I hit him and made fun of him although he hardly did anything to me.  Then we had a fight and (since I had told my brother about my problems) he said to me, "No wonder you don't have friends."  This really hurt me and that night, I cut myself for every stupid thing I've ever said.  I cried uncontrollably and started to get depressed. 

After that happened, I have been going up and down.  I stopped cutting myself when my brother spotted my wrists and forced me to stop.  Sometimes I will be very happy, but when I remember what I've done in the past, I start to cry.  I have had suicidal thoughts very frequently and I am afraid of going back to school.  I imagine how it will be to be dead very often.  I am losing faith in my friends and am afraid to make new ones because I think they won't like me.  I feel ugly and thin, like an anorexic, and fear others will think the same way about me.  I am eager to be diagnosed because that might put me in a hospital and get me out of school so I won't have to face the people who I have been a demon to.  Sometimes I will be very very hyper and energetic and then I will become sad a short time after. 

I am on a vacation and won't be returning until the school year begins again and am afraid that if I don't get help right away, I will try to kill myself.