why do I feel like I shouldn't be sad??
I have made a series of mistakes that I cannot forgive myself for. I called a peer "lesbian" and stupid because she asked "Are you mad at me?" a lot. For that stupid reason, I ruined her life. I couldn't even remember why I felt the need to do something like that. But at the time, I had no realization that I did something horribly wrong. then, a year later, I became very mean and very cold, kicking boys and taking everything so seriously as if someone said "Hey, did you get those shoes from Target?" that I would accuse them of calling me poor. Only this summer did I realize this. I also realized how horrible I've been to my brother. I hit him and made fun of him although he hardly did anything to me. Then we had a fight and (since I had told my brother about my problems) he said to me, "No wonder you don't have friends." This really hurt me and that night, I cut myself for every stupid thing I've ever said. I cried uncontrollably and started to get depressed.
After that happened, I have been going up and down. I stopped cutting myself when my brother spotted my wrists and forced me to stop. Sometimes I will be very happy, but when I remember what I've done in the past, I start to cry. I have had suicidal thoughts very frequently and I am afraid of going back to school. I imagine how it will be to be dead very often. I am losing faith in my friends and am afraid to make new ones because I think they won't like me. I feel ugly and thin, like an anorexic, and fear others will think the same way about me. I am eager to be diagnosed because that might put me in a hospital and get me out of school so I won't have to face the people who I have been a demon to. Sometimes I will be very very hyper and energetic and then I will become sad a short time after.
I am on a vacation and won't be returning until the school year begins again and am afraid that if I don't get help right away, I will try to kill myself.
Hi Allyce,
I think you need to see your doctor quite quickly. There are some hints in what you say about your moods alternating between being low and then feeling happy that may alert your doctor to carrying out some tests.
It seems to me that you are carrying a very heavy burden on your shoulders over some things you have said or done. Nothing you have said convinces me that your behavior is in any way extraordinary or particularly bad. Very often, when people are feeling in a low mood, they predict that things will be worse than they actually are. They make all sorts of assumptions about the effects they may have on people's lives that are groundless and they get caught in a cycle of negative thinking. I think I see some of these features in some of the things you have said.
You're going through a rough patch but you've reached out for help and this is important. The next step is to take a deep breath, make an appointment to see your doctor and speak openly to them about the way you have been feeling. I have taken what you've said seriously (I'm a psychologist) and I think your doctor will too. Don't be tempted to let things slide - do it now!
Best Wishes
- Thank you for your input
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Jerry Kennard
Saturday, August 08, 2009 at 03:54 AM
I think it depends which country you are in and what services your travel insurance may be covering you for. It may be worth reading through your insurance to see.
I did get the impression from your initial question that you were feeling almost suicidal and certainly depressed. If I'm mistaken, then perhaps things aren't so pressing as I'd first assumed?
Thank you for replying, but I can't see a doctor yet because I am on vacation and it will be weeks before I return to the US. Is there anything I can do in the meantime?