I have a boyfriend that I care about, but I met a guy (roommate of my good friend's boyfriend) and can NOT stop thinking about him. I am aware he does not want a relationship, but he has been seducing me (have been over this with my therapist) for awhile and I just obsess and obsess. Thinking about him gives me some sort of comfort. It has gotten to the point that if I can't be around him on a particular night (ex. plans change) I am disappointed and don't want to do anything. Tonight is New Year's Eve and since my girlfriend had to travel last minute, I cannot tag along and be with her and her boyfriend...in effect, I cannot see him. My boyfriend wants to go to his uncle's and then just have a night "in," but I don't even really want to hang out with him. What is going on with me?
Q: Why can't I stop thinking about him?
Hello
Wow...we have been having quite a theme of such questions here lately on My Depression Connection. I am wondering if this has to do with New Years coming...I don't know.
Okay...here are my thoughts. The things you have pointed out about this person you are obsessing over are two things:
1. He is luring you or as you say "seducing" you.
2. You say he is unavailable and not wanting a relationship.
Both of these things could use a little more detail so we can understand better what is going on.
and...
3. The third critical element to this story is that you have boyfriend.
No mystery here...you are obsessing over this other guy because you can't have him. There is a thrill in the chase. I would put money on it that if you did get this guy...the interest would fade quickly. He is most likely enjoying your attention and you are falling for it.
I think that sometimes outside distractions detour us from working on the relationships we do have. I think you need to ask yourself if you really want to be with your boyfriend. If not, then he might appreciate you telling him the truth of your feelings.
What does your gut or heart say about all this? Close your eyes, ask yourself if you want to be with your boyfriend and don't think about the answer...just say it. Whatever comes out of your mouth first...it is probably the truth.
I hope you figure this out...I know it must be hard.
Let us know how things evolve.
Well, maybe your boyfriend isn't THE one for you or it could be the excitement of finding chemistry with a person who is maybe unavailable. People do change their minds about who they want to spend their lives with, especially if you're young. I think, though, that you need to get honest at some point and not hiding your feelings from your boyfriend. It's good you have a therapist, at least, to talk this out with. I'm sure it's a bit unsettling to have these feelings for both guys and whether to trust your heart or your head. I wish you the best and hope you can come to some resolution before too long.
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Wow. I didn't expect and really appreciate such a thoughtful answer! I will have to read over and think about what you said. I definitely have trouble differentiating what my head and heart (or is it gut?) say. I wish someone else could tell me what the "key" signs are that you want to be with someone. I just don't trust my own judgement.
What I mean by his "seducing" me is that in the beginning of my meeting him, I never did anything to provoke his attention (unless it was something very small and unconscious). Slowly, over time, he seemed to do and say all of the right things, be it a compliment or a slight flirtation. I tried talking to my boyfriend about this (and being honest), but I don't think he understands.
As far as him not wanting a relationship, he also doesn't seem to just want sex (although he is not impartial to it). It's like he enjoys egging me on just to see how far I will go. I don't know though. It is very confusing to me. I keep wondering what he wants.
I will let you know how things evolve. Thanks again.