Hi, Amy:
I read your post and a lot of what you said sounded like me once upon a time. I would get obsessive about certain guys I was attracted to and it was all too much for a normal guy. I would end up repelling the guy with my desperation and obsessive & compulsive behavior - my overwhelming need to have a relationship - a guy in my life. I drove myself crazy, too. I question why I was doing what I was doing! It was not healthy.
I went through years in and out of therapy with many different types of therapists. I tried all different types of anti-depressants - none of which really worked for me. I always looked outside of myself for the happiness I so wanted in my life. I wanted a relationship, but so often once a guy showed interest I would become to overbearing, too obsessive about him and that would make he run away as fast as he could. I always thought I 'loved' the guys I was with, but in reality what it was is that I was 'in need' of having someone in my life. Neediness is not attractive. Neediness is a repellent to healthy people. Neediness is a problem that needs to be addressed. I never saw myself as so incredibly needy, but I was. I suppose it started in the dysfunctional family I was born into. My parents were a mismatch of personalities. My mother married my father for all of the wrong reasons. She saw great potential is his incredible intelligence and his handsome looks. He looked like Errol Flynn the movie star. She thought that with all of her love and caring attention she could make him into a successful, wonderful, loving man. She had this misgivings idea that she could change a man to fit her ideal of the prefect husband. She believed in that fantasy, but it just is not that way in reality. You cannot change anyone else - only your 'self'. My mother was a loving person who was excessively needy looking for some man to fill her neediness inside her soul. It just does not work that way I discovered.
I learned from my mother how to behave and show up in the world. She was an incredible mom on the surface, but she did not give without an expectation . . a string attached to the gift. She expected something back in return. My brother and I have talked about our childhood and he mentioned how he felt like he was in this play and we were all the actors - my mom, dad, brother and me. There was a definite disconnect . . an emotional vacuum. My parents were both damaged as kids and carried that damage into adulthood. Neither of them sought out help to resolve their issues to free themselves of them so they could move forward in their lives. There was always a quiet desperation in both of them. Neither had a strong sense of self. So, my brother and I grew up lacking a strong sense of self, too. There was always a neediness . . a hole deep inside of each one of us that could not be filled no matter what or who we had in our lives.
I grew into an adult who had a need to have a guy in my life to feel complete. I always felt like I was 'in love' with the guys I got involved with, but as I said . . it was not love . . it was that I was IN NEED of the guy I was involved with. I have met so many other women in my 58 years who were just like I was . . needy. They expected that a guy would fill that hole inside them . . that neediness . . and that is just not how a healthy relationship is all about. I also learned that many women are addicted to relationships and to the men they are in a relationship with.
When I read your post that is what came up for me . . a neediness and an addiction to this guy you profess to be 'in love' with. He has made it clear he no longer has any interest in you, yet you are still obsessed with him. I am not a professional therapist so I cannot advise you nor try to psychoanalyze you, but I have been involved with groups of women who have had similar issues about men in their lives for many years. They are convinced they are 'in love' when in reality they are really 'in need'. They are 'in love' with the idea of being in love . . the happily ever after . . the perfect relationship with the perfect guy. I know that because I lived that. It was not healthy and I knew I needed to get some help to find out why I behaved that way.
I worked very hard on my 'self' for a lot of years. I attended 12-step programs, had the therapy I mentioned for 20 odd years on and off and I got really 'real' with myself. I had to look in the mirror and see myself as I truly was - not the idealized version of myself that I always had. I had to come to terms with the fact that I repelled healthy people from wanting to be involved with me because of my obsessive and needy behavior. That was hard to come to terms with. It was the brutal, honest truth and I had to deal with it to be able to resolve it and move forward in my life. All of the pain I suffered from all of the hurts as a child, adolescent, and teenager had to be let go. I had buried it all deep inside of me and put it all into my own Pandora's Box to keep it from coming to the surface.
I learned that in order to deal with issues you have to acknowledge each one of them. Then you have to own each one of them. Once you own them then you have to allow yourself to feel the pain - all of the pain - every exquisite moment of the pain - of each one of them. It is really difficult to do, but I was determined. I did not want to drag all of this baggage into a healthy relationship. So, I had to take a deep breathe and go deep into the pain and FEEL IT! It was traumatic, it was primal and some of the sounds that came up from deep inside of me were just that - primal. But, then they became cathartic. I allowed myself to walk through and experience the pain and it them was able to fall away. I was able to let it all go. I freed myself from the constraints of all that was holding me back - my own pain.
I have to tell you this . . I survived it and I was free of it once and for all. I then really and truly forgave everyone who had ever hurt me in my life - including my 'self'. I can honestly say that I felt lighter, freer and I felt at peace. I no longer felt that compulsive neediness. Not even a little bit. I felt a calm within me I had never felt before. There was no longer a hole inside of me that I needed to fill with something or someone else. I was whole all by myself. And I was happy. In this process all of the unhealthy people I had once been attracted to and who were attracted to me dropped out of my life - every one of them. I was finally free.
I started to meet healthy people and healthy men. I no longer felt I needed a man in my life to be complete. I was fine just as I was - with myself - alone with myself. But, as luck has it at the ripe young age of 50 I finally met a great guy, an incredibly healthy, normal guy and we got married. It is easy. Oh, we have out disagreements, but we never, ever fight. I have now been married for almost 8 years and it is still easy. There is nothing desperate or compulsive in our relationship. We are happy. Life is good.
So, Amy . . find out why you are so obsessed with this guy who has rebuffed you. Find a good therapist you like and explore what it is that is going on inside of you. I get the feeling from what you wrote in your post that you are very young. I could be wrong, but . . it does not matter really. I just get this gut reaction that there is a lot more going on with you than what you said in your post. Find out what that is. You cannot make this guy want to be with you and you cannot make him love you. Whatever there was is gone now and you need to let it go. That is the healthy thing to do. If you do not feel that you can do that . . you have to find out why.
I wish you luck in your search for happiness. I know you will find it if you are willing to do the work. I earned that a healthy relationship is two whole people who come together to share their individual lives together, but still remain independent as an individual. There is no control - none whatsoever. My husband enhances my life as I do his. That is how it should be.
Good luck to you, Amy! ~ Wendy
