No, i dont feel like that's true. I hate that i'm having to handle it now! It's not fair! Why did i have to lose the innocent, loud, laughing kid in myself?!

He did take all that from me tho! I feel like i dont have any of that anymore. As for the sex before marriage, i feel like it doesnt matter anymore because he took that gift from me! so what do i have to give when im married? i know that the cutting and bulimia is apart of the abuse. Me giving my parents a chance isnt an option. they dont understand what i am going through and they never will! they punish me if i cut and i dont need to be punished for it! im not going to press charges on the guy because i dont want to bring everything out and have to deal with it publicly. i dont feel like i have the right to love. i dont feel like i have the right to live from fear. i dont feel like i have the right to not self harm. i dont feel like i have the right to play and laugh. that 8-10 year old girl is gone! he took that from me when he started raping me everyday.

how do you know so much about this? how do you know all of this is going to be okay? i want my childhood back! i want my soul back! i want everything he took back! i want him to be gone!! i want me to be gone!! i never want to see him again but that wont happen because he lives behind me. he is living his life happily and he doesnt even know he did anything wrong! he didnt even get a slap on the wrist! i got punished for this! its just not fair!  im tired of feeling the way i do! im not strong. im weak. im scared! im lost. and i dont ever think im gonna be found!

HI hun,

That's a good answer you wrote back.  You are speaking your truth and it is important that you do this. 

It is not fair.  It sukks that this happened to you.  What the man did was not your fault in any way.  You didn't deserve his behaviour then, and you don't deserve the fallout from his behaviour now.  And yes, what has happened to you has fundamentally changed you.  And for all those things I am so very sorry for you that I cry while I am writing this.

You need to move on from being a victim of this disgusting molester to a survivor.  Being a victim is about some of the things you have mentioned above.  Being a survivor is about living well, and in your truth, despite what happened.  This is a long process and takes some work and willpower from you - but not alone.  You have a therapist now.  You can also reach out to other therapists and counsellors.  Specialist rape centres for example.

I know a little about what this is for you as I had a similar experience.  The intense emotional pain I felt did not lessen even years after the attacks.  In some ways it was the hate for the abuser that kept me alive.  For me, flashbacks of the shite that happened continued for a long while afterwards.  It was a therapist who told me that the brain can only hold onto so much and that the flashbacks were part of my brain being ready to deal with the abuse now when it wasn't before.  I don't want to share too much about my experience because this is about you at the moment.  You are the most important in our conversation because you are so vulnerable now, and you don't have (and shouldnt have) the strength to hear another horrible story.

But it is because of my experiences that I feel I can say you will be ok.  I can see strength in your words that you don't see yourself.  And your inner strength is a very important part of all the things that will get you back to your soul.  In another way, of course I don't know you will be ok.  You could make choices that may harm yourself so much that you don't find the way back to your soul.  So it is partly wishful thinking to say you will be ok so confidently in the first message.

Please go to a rape centre (I live in Australia so I don't know what they may be called for you) within the next day.  Go to bed after researching where you can and will go, and wake up ready to go after a shower, drink etc.  Also make an appointment with your therapist.  Talk to a friend or friends who are good for you.  It is these things that will 'find' you and your soul.  Sometimes it is in the smallest thing that these people may say that proves to be the biggest thing you needed to hear. 

So, while I hope you will be ok (since I don't know you I shouldnt be arrogant enough to just say you will be ok outright - u showed me that - thank you)... I hope you will be ok with all my heart and with the reaching out of my soul. 

xxx

Sam

i think what happened to me was my fault! why didnt i stop it? i let him rape me for almost 2 years everyday! why didnt i stop him? i should have told somebody. i wish this didnt change me! i wish i could just forget about it! but thats never going to happen! i dont think im a survivor, i dont think i can live well. i hate flashbacks! i dont know how to handle them! i can see it happening and i can feel it! theyve been so bad lately and its just making me feel even more disgusting than i already do feel. i have the strength to hear a story. when i listen to other peoples stories, i can get my mind off of mine and it makes me feel like im not completely useless because just listening to someone elses story helps that person.    i dont see any strength in my words.  i think ive made too many wrong choices to get back on track! i've started cutting, my bulimia is back. i overdose just to get away from things. i smoke. and i drink whenever i can get my hands on alcohol. how can my life go back to being good when ive messed up that much?!  we call them rape crisis centers. i dont think i can go within the next day. i dont even think i'd be able to go by myself! i'd be too scared to go by myself. and i wont go with my mom! i dont have a good relationship with my parents! i dont really have a relationship with them at all! and i never have their support in anything i do! i hope i'll be okay too! but i dont really have hope right now. all i have is fear, disgust, hate, shame, nothing else.

thank you for talking with me! youre really helping

Ahh darling, all I want to do is hug you and rock you and go 'shhhh'.   I read what you say and I just want to say shhhhhhh...  be still..  let something in that isn't bad...  if I can believe in you all this far away, then take a little bit of my belief for you and make it yours...  comon hun... shhhhhh...  take it easy...  ur hurtin yourself here...  look at your words sweetheart...  you dont think xyz, you should have xyz...  noone is hurting you right now except you. 

How can this be true when 'he' has hurt you and you are just remembering?  Only that in your words and in your head and in what you write... right now you are hurting you all over again, and badly...  thats why I want to say shhhhhhhh...  let go hunny... let me rock you and hold you and pat your head and say shhhhhhh.. u know .. just like you'd say to a small small child that has just fallen over... imagine that and imagine me doing that for you....

you didnt stop him raping you because he was older, stronger, bigger and because you were confused and screaming quietly for someone to help because you didn't know what to do.  He also probably said some things to you about what would happen if you told anyone?  We went through this before remember... you were a child.  Children are not equipped to deal with that sort of molestation and ugliness.  You were 8-10 years old.  Give yourself a break here... he took your power ... he just stripped it from you without asking or caring... it is that power that you must start to reclaim in small ways and as often as you can. And in some ways sweet, you are still a child.  I don't mean that in a demeaning way... I mean that in a straight out logical way... me being 40 and you being 15 ... in experiences you are still a child.  It'd be a shame to lose any more of it as your childhood is precious.

I understand you being scared to go to a rape crisis centre by yourself.  That is quite normal.  So who can go with you?  A friend?  A relative?... probably a friend yeh?  That friend doesnt have to sit and listen.. but he or she can get you through the door, and be there for you when you come out again.  Or they can sit and listen if that's what you want.  But, howabout you just call them first?  Listen to what they say over the phone... they are very experienced and will know what you need to hear and what they can offer you.  Go on hun, it's just a phone call.  And a phone call that won't hurt as much as cuttin yourself... or chucking up a yummy meal...  please?

Ok, here's a little bit of my story.  Our stories aren't the same, just as our reactions and how we go about healing aren't the same.  But I do understand that hearing another story means you aren't alone.  So I gift you this bit of me so you aren't quite as alone....

I grew up in a house of hate.  I had an older brother who was the golden one.  And then there was me who should never have been born.  I don't remember ever learning how to not cry when I was hurt, how to not ask for food if I was hungry, how to not make a normal sound like burping or coughing.  The coughing one was hard because I had asthma... but mostly I managed it.  Although I can't remember learning these things I can remember what the punishment was when I did.  Sometimes it was standing in the one spot for hours.  If I moved, even a little bit, I would be belted, then put back on the spot.  Once when I moved I was taken out to the shed and a nail was put through each foot... maybe that would keep me still.  I was there for hours.  I was always hungry.  Even when I was fed I wasnt fed enough for the hunger to go away.  Or, sometimes when I was fed, I was fed stuff that was disgusting and made to eat it all... milk turned sour, lambs brains... stuff like that.  When I got older my brother starting sexually abusing me.  With the consent and encouragement of the mother.  I dont remember this in detail, mostly in flashbacks.  I do remember a time very vivdly.  I remember the room, and there being a lot of sun pouring through the bedroom windows.  I remember the furnishings and how the carpet felt under my knees.  I remember him making me give him a head job until he came on my face.  And even writing that, so many years later makes me want to be sick.  Makes my fingers on the keyboard feel dirty for writing it.  When I have flashbacks of that time it is a sensory thing.  I feel the brightness of the sun.. etc. 

I cannot say more right now.  What I can say is I am still here and I am 40 now.  Sure, I am no saint or angel and some days I cannot handle what happened to me.  But also, I think that I would want to be there for you, and others like you.  If that hadnt happened to me I would be ignorant and stupid and not be able to understand in the way I do.  And for that reason alone I am ok that that happened.

Dear gurl.  At 15 there is so much more for you that you cannot possible guess at right now.  Theres so much more that I cant guess either.  Life has you here for a reason and that reason must be fulfilled.  You will grow stronger and wiser from all of your experiences.  And darlin, part of that growing means you need to lift yourself up by the shoelaces when noone else will do it for you.  Its like, take a deep breath... ask yourself will you let him continue to destroy your life... shout out NO I DAMM WELL WILL NOT... and pick up the phone.

Lovin ya and trustin ya and believin in ya...

Sam

i want to be held and just rocked. i think just being held and rocked would help because i'd feel safe for once. i know im hurting myself but i cant stop. even though i would scared i should have told! i should have done something. im stupid for just letting him do that to me! he told me, i'd be the one to get in trouble and he would never speak to my brother again (he was my brothers best friend)   yes, he took my childhood from me! he took EVERYTHING from me and i feel like i cant get it back.  i dont think i'll get my power back. that's another reason why i cut, it gives me power over what i do and control. it's the only thing i have power and control over. i know im still a child in someways, but i think ive had to grow up more than i should have. i've had to deal with this all on my own for a lot of years and i still kind of am because i dont talk to my therapist about the rape much. i could get a friend to go with me to a rape crisis center. i'd want her to sit in the room with me because if she's not there, i'll be too scared to even talk.  i'm even scared to call them. i dont know when i'll call them but i will. and i guess youre right about how it wont hurt me as bad as cutting myself.       wow, youre story makes me want to cry! im sorry i made you tell me about it. i dont want you to feel sick and dirty for writing it.  i dont really know what to say. all i can say is im so very sorry you had to go through that! i'm glad you got away from it! and you are strong for being able to talk about it and help me and other people that have been sexually abused.  sometimes, there are days i cant handle it either. and those are the days that my urges to cut are worse! sometimes i even want to kill myself.

i want to go to college and be a psychologist for adolescence. im hoping that i realize what my reason for being here is.   i hope this makes me stronger and wiser because otherwise, all this is useless. i try to pick myself up. its just so hard when im at rock bottom.. and right now, im pretty much at rock bottom. ill try to get the courage to pick up the phone. youre loving and trusting and believing in me more than i am right now..

kristi.

Hi Kristi,

You are a bit different today.  You have been able to share a dream for your future and you have been able to talk about a bit more of who you are.  It's important for you to talk about who you are because you are more than the rapes, more than the hurting yourself and bulimia, more than a girl who is hurting...  it would be good to hear more about who you are... not the stuff I know.. but more stuff I dont know...  are you going to school?  what do you like?  whats your favourite outfit?  your favourite animal that you cant have as a pet?  and why?  do you see what I am asking and why?  None of us are just one thing, or just an incident... I am definitely for sure more than the brother's disgusting acts...

Hey!  You didn't make me tell you part of my story!  Noone can make me do anything... I chose to share to let you know that you are not alone in your experiences and how you are feeling.  I also chose to let you know how I felt after writing that... again to let you know that I perhaps share some of the same feelings for a different reason.  In choosing to tell you part of my story that is helpful to me too... and I hope that as you grow over the next few months this will be the same for you too.  Out of the shite can come something good, that can help others not feel so alone.

Methinks you should stop Thinking about calling and Do it.  Just get up and grab the fone and make the call before you can stop yourself.  I have found that if I think about something I make it harder.  I imagine how a conversation may go.  I answer the non-existent person.  I end up feeling too much anger, or hurt, or shame because I have given myself time to think.  So, may I suggest that first you find the number.  Write it down somewhere that you cannot misplace it.  A card in your wallet, or disguised in the open as a school reference number or something near the phone.  Then... just grab the fone the same way you grab the knife to cut yourself, dial the number quickly the same way you draw the knife across your skin.... that's all... after that the supportive person on the other end of the fone will help you through the rest.  Warn your friend that you will be going into the rape centre but that it might be at a moments notice.  Let her know how much you value her and her friendship that she can walk with you through this. 

...and like I have said before... take some of my love, and trust, and belief in you so you don't have to use any of your small store... u can use mine!  Please take this gift I am offering you and use my belief and love for you to make a couple of small changes that can dare to grow into big changes - healing and self-empowerment.  Take the gift until you have built up a store of your own... because my belief and love for you is bottomless....  so you got a lot to use hun.

Yeh, held and rocked.  How beautiful would that be?  Do you have a friend who can do that for you unconditionally?  You don't have to say why.  Just ask him or her if they can hold you and rock you for a while... longer than 10 minutes would be beautiful.  Maybe you can do this for them first so there's a give and take there... and if you do it first you can relax into your own experience knowing you don't have to give ne thing afterwards.  Be prepared to cry... prepare your friend that you may cry... but let them know that the crying is a good thing.  You don't have to try to make a reason for the tears.. heaven knows there is plenty to choose from... but the tears that come from being rocked and hugged are healing tears.. .they are tears of immense feeling that comes from being safe for that time.  You and your friend should not try to stop the tears - if they come of course - but allow them and let them do their job of healing you... just a little bit... but a very important little bit.

Now I gotta get a bit hard mama on you.  He didnt take everything from you.  He didn't.  You have a lot of other experiences and elements of who you are that he can never take from you.  Even people being tortured beyond the physical ability to withstand pain haven't everything taken from them.  Dignity, courage, strength, pride... these are all things that noone can take from you... but... you can give them away... and every time you write about him, and put exclamation marks afterwards, and call yourself stupid and worse.. you are giving yourself away.  Stop.  Thats the hard mama bit.  Stop talking about how he has taken from you what you didnt give him.  Talk about the incident, with a rape centre person and your therapist...  learn how to live with what happened, learn how to heal.... but stop giving him more.... Please.

Yes, you are a child, and yet grown more than your years.  It's not ok, it's sad.  You can still do childish things.  Give yourself permission to play at childish things.  Swing on the swings, or play a boardgame - like mousetrap or something tho... a real childish time... I still do that now... and remember I'm 40?!  Cos being a child is one of the gifts of being human... we don't ever have to let it go... we just need to know when it is ok as we get older and more mature.  And that is the word for it... grown more than your years... lost those years... you have matured too... and maturity is hard to find you know?  When you heal more you will combine maturity with wisdom and that's a rare thing.  And when you combine maturity and wisdom with your study and counselling... you will be a powerful person.  (Who can still slide down wet grass to the bottom of a hill!)

You won't ever forget what has happened.  But you can learn how to Live with It.  And in living with it your revenge is complete because for certain you are a better person than him... and he has to live with what he has done for the rest of his life... and that cannot be a happy contented peaceful life now can it?

Ok.. so... grab some of that love I am holding out... and make a call... or make a visit... ask for a rocking hug... today is the start of the rest of your life... better make it count..

xxx

Sam

maybe i am more than just the rape, cutting and bulimia. but i dont know that for sure. yes, im going to school. im in 10th grade. i like to hang out with friends and i love to sing! i dont really have a favorite outfit. it depends on my mood. sometimes it can be sweats and a shirt sometimes its jeans and a nice shirt.. i dont really have a favorite pet. i wish i could have a penguin as a pet!!  i want to graduate high school, go to a big ivy league university and major in psychology for adolescence.

thank you for sharing your story with me! i hope in the months i grow, i can learn how to share my experience and help others just like youve helped me!

im going to call the center. im just gonna do it the way you told me to. im gonna get my friend to go with me and im gonna be able to do this!  thank you for believing in me and having love for me. i might take some of yours like you keep telling me to. i think im going to need a lot more than i have right now, and youre the only one that believes in me right now.  i think i have a friend that can just hold me and rock me. i dont want to cry! but i guess i need to let some of my tears out. i never cry!

im sorry i keep saying stuff that is giving myself away. its just how i feel. youre right. he didnt take everything! it may feel like it, but he didnt! and i know that if i keep saying im stupid for not telling or keep blaming myself, im going to give myself away! im gonna try really hard not to keep giving pieces of me away!

ill tell my therapist everything!   to me it's okay that i had to grow up faster than i should have.   im more mature than most people my age and i like it. i may not like the way i got it, but im glad that i have it. i will learn how to live with what happened to me. i will learn how to live with it. i will learn how to stop cutting. i will learn how to be happy! i will make you proud!   ill grap the love youre holding out and ill call. and then ill make a visit.

something i wanted to talk to you about... my mom went through my purse today and found cigerettes.  i've been smoking lately and now i dont know what to do! she shouldnt have gone through my things. thats an invasion of my privacy. do i have the right to be mad? i think i do, but to everyone else, i dont! nothing i do is good enough for my parents. i do everything wrongg!! i just want to leave the house and go on my own and not deal with their shit anymore!! this completely sucks! if i didnt live with them, i dont think i would be cutting so much!!

kristi

maybe i am more than just the rape, cutting and bulimia. but i dont know that for sure. yes, im going to school. im in 10th grade. i like to hang out with friends and i love to sing! i dont really have a favorite outfit. it depends on my mood. sometimes it can be sweats and a shirt sometimes its jeans and a nice shirt.. i dont really have a favorite pet. i wish i could have a penguin as a pet!!  i want to graduate high school, go to a big ivy league university and major in psychology for adolescence.

thank you for sharing your story with me! i hope in the months i grow, i can learn how to share my experience and help others just like youve helped me!

im going to call the center. im just gonna do it the way you told me to. im gonna get my friend to go with me and im gonna be able to do this!  thank you for believing in me and having love for me. i might take some of yours like you keep telling me to. i think im going to need a lot more than i have right now, and youre the only one that believes in me right now.  i think i have a friend that can just hold me and rock me. i dont want to cry! but i guess i need to let some of my tears out. i never cry!

im sorry i keep saying stuff that is giving myself away. its just how i feel. youre right. he didnt take everything! it may feel like it, but he didnt! and i know that if i keep saying im stupid for not telling or keep blaming myself, im going to give myself away! im gonna try really hard not to keep giving pieces of me away!

ill tell my therapist everything!   to me it's okay that i had to grow up faster than i should have.   im more mature than most people my age and i like it. i may not like the way i got it, but im glad that i have it. i will learn how to live with what happened to me. i will learn how to live with it. i will learn how to stop cutting. i will learn how to be happy! i will make you proud!   ill grap the love youre holding out and ill call. and then ill make a visit.

something i wanted to talk to you about... my mom went through my purse today and found cigerettes.  i've been smoking lately and now i dont know what to do! she shouldnt have gone through my things. thats an invasion of my privacy. do i have the right to be mad? i think i do, but to everyone else, i dont! nothing i do is good enough for my parents. i do everything wrongg!! i just want to leave the house and go on my own and not deal with their shit anymore!! this completely sucks! if i didnt live with them, i dont think i would be cutting so much!!

kristi