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Are these signs of depression? Should I seek psychiatric evaluation/help?
Hello all, thanks for taking the time to read. This is a very long post but I hope at least a few people can give me some insight.
I am currently a Freshman music student at a state university. I have largely been unhappy with the school and have been citing this (mentally) as the cause of my general unhappiness. The more I think and think about it and the more I get closer to taking action and going to a better place, the more I realize that a lot of it might have to do with something deeper.
I should say first that I do not have and have never had any suicidal tendencies. I have tried not to look up signs of depression myself because I don't want to self diagnose and over-analyze my actions to look for the signs. Here are things I think might be linked:
- I have had headaches since I was very young, have had MRI scans and optical exams done to look for a cause and it was a moot attempt.
- I don't have a temper but I do get annoyed to a higher level than my friends at things such as: people tapping on desks, playing "bad" music, not using turn signals, etc.
- I cannot see myself as a successful musician even though I am aware I am doing well I cannot really believe it. One mistake out of 300 notes makes me incredibly angry. (This is the one case in which I do have a temper)
- I constantly look down on people and I absolutely hate it. If I hear an amazing performance and the person made one mistake I will automatically feel different about them. Typically, I've been told, the audience will forget a performer's mistakes... but that's ALL I remember. Consequently I feel a huge amount of HATE for the people in my university's state. I cannot think of them as anything but idiots, rednecks, etc.
- I have trouble sleeping because I play out conversations and situations in my head when I lay down. Things I wish would happen, things I should have said, etc.
- I constantly feel bored, even when doing something "entertaining" such as watching a movie, hanging out with a group of friends, etc. and I always want to be somewhere else.
- I have trouble committing myself to large projects or goals. Two HUGE effects this has had on my life: I am terrible at practicing consistently and do not make as much progress as I should because of it; I really want to lose weight and I have made dozens of plans for it but I just can't make myself GO to the fitness center.
- A self-image that doesn't match my physical self. I am very overweight but I cannot see myself as overweight. I hope this makes sense. It is a lot like what I stated earlier about knowing I am doing well but not believing it. I can see in the mirror and in photos that I am twice as heavy as I should be. But in my head I cannot visualize myself as being this way.
- I have always been able to lie/fake a good mood easily. Same goes for faking sick.
- I have a hard time understanding many things other people find commonplace. The need to drink alcohol/be drunk is probably the one thing I completely don't understand. I see people who drink as being to commonplace to make friends otherwise.
-Saying "I miss you" always feels like a lie.
- When I had the opportunity to go home recently, I started crying when the plane banked left and I saw a particular landmark that I recognized as "home" but when I saw my family I didn't really feel anything.
- I always feel like someone is judging me. I have changed the way I walk, talk and emote depending on the situation and if I think someone is watching me. For instance taking larger steps and standing up very straight if I see someone I want to impress or have respect for.
- Despite everything above I am generally sociable and I make jokes, laugh, etc. After an hour of socializing I will typically seek solitude, however. I mentioned to my roomie that I felt like I was maybe depressed and she said "But you're so happy!" However, I can't say I've been happy since I've been here.
I am aware that some of these symptoms are probably not depression-related. I have always felt like I think differently than other people, not in terms of creativity but my literal thought process.
If anyone can offer any insight, it would be much appreciated. Thanks for sticking through the wall-o-text! :P
Hi, Legende -
You're a very good observer of yourself, and I think it helps to be able to achieve a certain detachment. So many people can't do that and never want to reflect on their own behavior. Many of the things you describe can be signs of depression - appearing happy and well adjusted is not unusual for people with depression. And even very severely depressed people feel better at times - often by interacting with others and getting out of their heads for a while. I wouldn't worry about checking the well-publicized diagnostic criteria. You've already looked into yourself deeply, and a quick look at the typical checklist could lead you to seek an evaluation by a mental health provider. That's all they're for.
Depression can involve lots of obsessive thinking, holding yourself to impossible standards, having a poor self-image, trouble with mental concentration, lack of feeling and anger. Anger and irritability are quite common - for me those have always been ways of putting my own inner shame and depression onto the world when it's really directed at myself. It's also common to imagine that you can get better by going to a different place, trying a different school or job, meeting new people - but that's never the answer if you're really depressed.
I would certainly talk to a therapist or psychiatrist to get an objective and balanced view of what you're going through and whether a diagnosis of depression is appropriate. Being so self-aware is a great first step, and willingness to consider treatment greatly increases the likelihood that you can deal with the issues effectively.
I wish you well - and please check out the information elsewhere on this site and feel free to ask more questions.
John
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Legende
Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 01:34 AM
John,
Thank you for your time and your response. I suppose my constant self-evaluation is both a part of the problem and the solution, in a way! I will definitely be speaking with someone in the coming weeks. Just wanted to get a general sense of whether or not it would even be worth it to discuss this with a psychiatrist.
Thanks again,
Amanda (Legende)