If you were to ask anybody that knows me, but isn't close to me, they would say that I'm the happiest person in the world. They think I don't get stressed by anything and that I'm always fair. That's really who I want to be. I'm so sensitive though to EVERYTHING. So much is capable of ruining my day. I used to be able to tell when I was legitimately upset by something, but now I can't tell the difference between my depression and the things that are supposed to upset me. It's ruining every part of my life. I've been having stress attacks at work. I'll cry if I drop anything or have to do anything that involves using problem solving skills. I feel useless. I'm living with my boyfriend, who has always been good to me, I think, and takes care of me everyday. And yet every other day I want to break up with him. I make his life miserable because somedays I am so thankful and appreciative for what he does, because he does a lot for me, and yet other days I don't see anything but the negative. I'm moving out because I don't want to hurt him anymore. I'm paranoid and defensive. So many times I think about how nice it would be if I happen to die today. I don't want to kill myself, but I feel like I shouldn't have been born anyway, so it'd be a good thing if I died somehow today. I'm sick of this taking over my life. I want to appreciate the good things again. I can't afford anything though. I don't have help. I'm scared that I'm going to have to get rid of my dog because if my motivation keeps on dropping like this, I'll have no right to own a living thing. I want to be a dog trainer. I have so many goals in life that I feel I'll never have the motivation to accomplish. I don't want to be another loss to suicide. I'm sick of my brain telling me that I can't be happy. I'm scared.
It sounds like you are going through a very bad time right now. But do know that bad times do end...and it is possible to feel better.
I think it is time for you to reach out and get some help. You say you don't have money so I want you to take a look at the resources from this article on how to get both therapy and/or medication for little to no money.
I know it is hard but you are going to have to make a little effort to get yourself some help. Don't wait.
Let us know how you are doing in the days to come.
I'm sorry you're having such a miserable time. I just responded to your post, but I'm going to give you this link to an article written by Merely Me on how to get help if you have no insurance and no money. I hope you will consider getting some help because your depression is telling you some incorrect things. There might be some medication that could help you, as well as therapy, so I hope you'll check out these resources.
Write again and let us know how you're doing, okay?
I understand, I feel the same way. I suggest talking to someone that can give you the money to go to a clinic and get some medicine. Zoloft helped me a lot and I plan to start taking it again. It does have a list of side effect....but I didn't get any negative side effect. It's an older drug so it's been proven affective without and serious side effects. Also, there is probably something in your life now or in the past that is causing you to feel this way. Try to find someone that you can talk to...someone that you trust and makes you feel better about yourself.
Also watching funny movies or being around people that make you laugh is good. Sunshine and walking helps. even if it's for 5 or 10 minutes. And if you're boyfriend really loves you....he'll support you and work through it with you.