Hi there

There is so much here...I thought I better cut and paste your question in my response.  Please know that I am not a therapist.  But I was a special educator for many years and I am the parent of a child who is on the autism spectrum.

My daughter (13) has had a very rough time holding on to relationships her whole life. She funnels through "friends" very quickly and is challenged in holding on to long term relationships. Recently, she's been very emotional, and it seems like her peer group is running out of patience too. She is popular and many do want to be her friend (teachers tell me) We've talked a lot about her letting little stuff go and recognizing when she's crossing the line in venting her opinions. We want her to be strong and uphold her values, but it comes across as negative and reactive to many. She's very sweet and VERY talented, but it just seems like lately she's blowing off things and people who are important to her.

Okay so by "negative" what exactly do you mean?  How does the behavior manifest?  Is she angry?  Combative?  Defiant?  Argumentative?  Can you give an example of the behavior you are seeing? 

While she is ADD and has been diagnosed ED; (it is not difinitive that she's bi-polar) we have tried to support her with treatment and therapy- our biggest challenge. We have worked with a therapist over the years, however have not been back to her in quite some time as there hasn't been any of progress and honestly, our daughter does not connect with her at all. She continues to pursue "talking" to teachers who are not qualified or are not familiar with her afflictions and who in turn, have not the best resources for her either.

Can you tell me what this means in concrete terms..."lack of progress"?  Are these the words of the therapist?  What sort of therapist was your daughter seeing?  And what are the teachers doing that you don't like?

She is a very talented softball player who up until 1.5 weeks ago was gung ho about playing and at the last min. decided she's not going to play. She is challenged with commitment and seeing it through, and all the encouragement we've given her has not brought her around. She's had a lot of challenges in her relationships with friends, and they tell her she's to negative or she makes them feel bad - which in turn gets her upset too and she gets defensive in return.

This must be hard for you to witness.  I really like how positive you are in talking about your daughter's gifts and talents.

When you say she is "negative" with friends...is she calling them names?  What exactly is she doing to make them feel bad?  is this due to lack of impulse control, social awkwardness of not knowing the appropriate things to say, or...is she angry?

She's demonstrated short term anxiety reactions, from not eating to overeating, hair pulling, and cutting. She currently takes 2mg of Abilify a day, and was on 36mg of concerta, however her last med check the Dr. took her off the concerta.

It does seem she is experiencing anxiety based on what you say here.  So at this point she is only on Abilify? 

My husband and I are overwhelmed with how to help her. It pains us both to see her suffer, and is challenging not to react in a traditional way. She has no regard for consequenses, thinks we don't recognize her positive efforts, and that whatever she does is never good enough.

Okay so from what you are telling me...she has some emotional and behavioral issues.  I know it must be so hard on you.  Is this a change from the past for her?  Has anything happened at home or at school to trigger any of these behaviors or feelings?  Any big environmental stressors? 

I've received calls from school about concerns of depression, behavior, etc. She is under and IEP for behavior and reading disability - however the resources have not been consistent or very helpful. Her resource teacher has not been a great advocate of support for her either. I could write a novel, however, hope that my main points of concern are covered and am seeking any ideas, comments or resources that we might consider pursuing to help her. She is a wonderful person, and it's so hard to see her continue to struggle.

Well first of all you are a wonderful and caring mom...and this shows in your letter.  You are worried about your daughter and want the best for her but you are also feeling overwhelmed because you are not getting the support you need. 

My guess is that the extra stress of normal development...as she enters these teen years and the changes in hormones are not helping any. 

As a fellow parent...here is what I would suggest:

1.  Get some data.  Get a communication log going with her teachers or any school folk working with your daughter.  You need to get a clear picture of what is going on at school.  Also...is there any way for you to volunteer at the school?

Do what is called an ABC record.  Divide up a sheet of paper into thirds.  In the first column..."A" is for Antecedent...which are the conditions which precede the behavior you are seeing.  Who said what?  When does it happen and where?  In the second column is for "B" for behavior.  As concretely as you can....write out what behaviors you are seeing.  What does she say?  How does she respond?  In the third column marked "C" is for consequences.  What happens as a result of her behavior?  What is said by you...teachers...her peers? 

Over time you may see patterns of behavior.

2.  You will take all this data...and go see a child psychologist or behavioral specialist or some mental health professional who you like.  This way you have concrete examples to show them...the more objective the better.

3.  Get her meds adjusted to something which does work.  If she has ADHD there are medications which may help.  But you say Bipolar Disorder may be in this mix.  You need a definitive diagnosis so you can get better treatment for her. 

These are my best suggestions for now...and like I said...I am not a therapist...just another parent.  But this is how I would tackle this. 

I know this is hard...but you are your daughter's best advocate and chance for doing better. 

Let us know what happens...I will be thinking of you.  Sure hope this helps some.