Thank you for your support! I had been searching for a forum or website for awhile because I knew that it was impossible that I was alone and am very lucky to finally have found somewhere.  

I spent some time at home with family this weekend and was glad for the fresh air.  Of course, it is always wonderful to be around supportive people, but it was much easier to relax knowing that I couldn't run into her or pass her driving.  I feel less sad.  I dare to say I feel less hurt, but I don't think that is the case.  I think instead of my hurt causing feelings of sadness and grief, I am becoming angry.  

I am a wonderful person with lots of things to offer. I have always been passionate about my work and set high standards and goals for myself.  I do not doubt that she recognizes these things; I am really starting to believe she doesn't feel like she can offer as much as I can to the relationship.  That is quite annoying, as she has obviously been capable of it for two years! On the other hand, I'm glad she FINALLY saw things needed to change.  I definitely had shown her how her depressive behavior hurt me... I wrote it out, talked it out, used examples, even cried at times. Whatever made her wake up one day and realize how bad she was hurting herself and people around her that she cared about... I guess I should be thankful it happened!

It's upsetting that depression can take such a toll on a person that they truly feel they aren't worthy of the presence of someone else.  She did express to me that by not talking to me, "she couldn't hurt me anymore".  That is crazy!! Hellooooo... you're my partner, other half, best friend!! What would ever make anyone think I'd be HAPPIER without them in my life?!?!? Not to mention... I'm extremely blunt and straight forward. If I thought my life was better without her in it, I would have taken the appropriate actions to expel her from my life. 

Anyway, whether I am truly angry or just having an "angry day"... I'm thankful for the break from the sadness!  

Her depression hurt me, but moreso, because I didn't know it was depression.  A close friend of hers took his life in May and she just never "bounced" back.  Honestly, I don't think she ever handled it.  I had seen her go through losing loved ones before and I really never understood her methods of "handling" things because to me, it didn't appear as though she did.  

Some days, she would cry all day.  Then she would be angry that her friend had done such a thing and that she coulnd't "get over him".  Her sister had dated the guy and my gf would get angry that her sister could get over it and she couldn't.  I would try to talk it out with her... ask her if she felt like she had really taken the time to let it hurt so that she could move on.  I also encouraged her to turn to family, religious leaders and friends that may be able to relate since suicide is not something I have had any experience with.  

Over the summer and recent months, she just wasnt herself.  She never wanted to do anything, she was snappy with me (which is TOTALLY out of her character), she would slack on household chores and of all things, food! She is a sous chef and runs the kitchen specials on weekends at a local restaurant... to see her not care about food any more was so perplexing! The relationship suffered as well... I felt like a hotel.  She would sit in my apartment without interacting with me, shower and sleep.  It was like she was just another object of decoration.  She said she couldn't sleep at her own house; only that she could sleep around me.  I didn't understand the sudden dependency and she woulnd't talk about it either, which created questions of what was I not doing right???

In a state of hysterics one night, she told me she was depressed and scared and had no idea what to do.  She begged me for help.  Suddenly, the past five months of hurt and behavior made SO much sense.  I felt like I didn't know who she was... and I was right! SHE didn't even know who she was.  I welcomed her in and supported her through making appointments and even waited for her after her first counseling session. She was very focused on "fixing us" and I clearly kept saying that couldn't be her focus... that she had to fix herself.  

Then, she just woke up one day and said she couldn't talk to me. It was hurtful because I had been in pain for 5 months and then was STILL enduring that pain while helping her get help. I suppose she really clued into that "us" couldn't be a focus-- it definitely would have been nicer if she could have expressed that instead of leaving me to figure it out!

Had I known that many of her behaviors and neglects were not personal, but caused by her depression, I am sure that I would have acted more compassionately or attempted to be more understanding. I did suggest she seek help after the suicide, but clearly, this is not just an issue of suicide.  In the two weeks of her beginning therapy, she did open up to me about many things that sadenned her.  

The bright side of things is that she has not said she is "done".  Granted, she does not say anything, but she does still have a key to my place and clothes (that I KNOW she needs) at my house.  Maybe she hasn't reached the point of stating she is "done", maybe she doesn't want to be "done" yet.  Only time will tell. 

The thing that I have realized most today, is that things can't be "fixed".  A new relationship could be pursued, but the old one cannot be "fixed".  After this process, neither of us will be the same people, making the past relationship literally just that: in the past.  I doubt that she has forgotten our love and how much we care... and if she has, well I should have expected the unexpected! 

It stinks not talking to my best friend for over a month while I know she is struggling, but if it means stronger and happier lives for us as individuals and a couple later on... then it's definitley worth it! 

I wanted to update everyone that has helped me, and hopefully, give some help to others that are out there in the same position. Within the past week, I started recieving e-mails from my partner.  I wasn't sure how to respond to the first e-mail, so I just asked about the local football team and told her I started playing tennis again- kept it really light.  She replied to my message and even let me take her dog for awhile this past Saturday (we didn't see each other and I was glad for that).  

She has kept up with emailing me... She sent one that I didn't have a response to on Saturday and then another yesterday, wishing me a nice week at work.  She doesn't ask questions or bring anything up to ensure that we talk again... maybe she is just trying to feel me out?? I'm not sure, its very odd.  

A mutual friend spoke with her for about 30 minutes this weekend and it seems as though my ex has a lot of resentment towards me for things she never brought up.  She told the mutual friend she is learning how to express her emotions and feelings to people: family, friends.... and she did say that she wants to express them to me, but that she does not feel like she can do so right now without crying. 

I am confused as to why she does not want to cry in front of me- we dated for 2 years?? Normally when we cry, it is because something has hurt us. Maybe she is still dealing with her "hurt" and doesn't want to expose it just yet, till she can better handle it.  

In this situation, I did give her space.  I tried small reminders that I was here for her.  There were times when I asked questions and expressed how miserable I was- hey, we're all human.  For now, I am going to stick with the small talk and see if that progresses.  I have decided that if by Thanksgiving, there has been no significant changes, I will need to let things go.  I think that is a fair amount of time, being as this all started in the begininng of September.  I do not want all of this confusion hanging over my head with Christmas and the new year coming up.