Tuesday, June 16, 2009 fiona asks

Q: What to do when your husband said you are the cause of his depression

Hi,

My husband and I had marital issue and he started to walk out on me about 3 months ago. About 3 months ago, he had some set back in his career and we fought a lot during that time. I tried to approach him and wanted to work on the relationship but he refused. He started to talk to this coworker of him a lot. He talked to her till 3am and text her constantly (About 20 - 50 messages per day) and went out with her till 2am sometimes. I was frustated and told him he is committing emotional infidelity. He denied and said they are just friend even though I notice that he has been googling about "Married but in love with someone else" articles and "Should married copule have friend of opposite sex". Then he told me that he has never been this depressed before and it will be so much easier that I can just leave and get out of his life so he can move on.

He told me that he has hard time concentrate at work, hard time sleeping and never want to go out of the house with me. I am not sure whether he has been talking to this female friend of him after I confronted him but he has been staying at home during weekends. Whenever I ask him something, he would give me just 1 sentence answer. He does not want to step out of the house with me even running errands. He does not like me to touch him and he resent me being there and not leaving the house. He told me numerous time that he wanted a divorce but he is never able to pull the trigger (He is an indecisive type). We went to marriage counselor once and he told the counselor he is in dilemma on staying in the marriage and depressed for the rest of his life or walk out of this marriage and be happy again. He seems to believe walking out of the marriage is the only way to be happy as he thinks we are never compatibile and have nothing in common (This may be true but we haev been together for 9 years).

I am torn. I do not know what to do. I really want to keep this marriage. However, looking at him not able to sleep, stare at the blank for 15 -20 mins every time he wakes up really hurt me. I am not sure whether it will help him if I move out or if I stay in the house to try to provide for him like cooking and cleaning.

He told me that he is open to see a psychiatrist but he never called to schedule an appointment.

Please advise.

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Answers (3)

Merely Me, Health Guide

6/16/09 6:32pm

Hi Fiona

First of all, I am really sorry you are going through this. I cannot begin to imagine the hurt and pain you must feel from his words and actions.

Divorce is such a drastic step. I am wondering if he would be willing to try things on a consistent basis such as more marraige counseling or seeing a psychiatrist before taking this final action.

I can see by the way you write your question that you love him and want what is best for him. But what is best for you? You must look after yourself too.

I think you have to outline what steps you are willing to take at this point to save your marraige but if he is not willing...then there is only so much you can do. Have you asked him what is making him feel so unhappy within your marraige? You and your husband will need to communicate directly with one another to get anywhere with this.

I am afraid that this issue is beyond the scope of an internet health site. You will absolutely need the help from a professional with this. Remember that if he refuses to go to therapy...you can always go for yourself.

Wish I had more to offer you. Let us know how things evolve. I wish you the best of luck.

fiona

6/16/09 7:15pm

Thanks for your reply.

I do understand that my marriage problem is not suitable for this site. However, I just have a general question on how I can help to heal his depression. Since he is saying that I am the cause of his depression, should I just move out and leave him? Or should I continue to stay by his side and trying all possible way to help him. I am afraid with me being there, will cause him to feel more depressed.

Merely Me, Health Guide

6/17/09 2:50pm

Hi again Fiona

Here is my honest opinion and that is...I do not believe that you are to blame for your husband's depression and neither are you responsible for it. He must responsibility for himself to get better. And you must take responsibility for yourself and do what is best for you. You cannot live for another person or be responsible for their happiness.

I am sorry that we don't have a definite answer in this case...this has to be your decision.

I wish the best for you. Please take care and let us know how things go for you in the future.

psychoward1

6/17/09 6:05am

sounds like he is trying to get you to end the marriage so he can keep blaming everything on you. I would definitely seek out therapy for yourself and if he wants to improve on himself and the marriage he can set that up. You are caught up in a battle that you dont need to be in. Start taking care of yourself, as long as you are taking care of him he is going to keep hurting you..

Pat

Natalie

6/17/09 9:54pm

Hello! I know what you are going through, It's hard. I am going through it with my own husband. We found a marriage counsler at a church in our area, we have been going for 2 weeks now. But I have not seen much of a change and my husband really needs to talk to someone, but won't (like a doctor), he won't talk to his parents (have been trying to talk to him for a month now). My husband did the same thing to the marriage counsler saying "maybe it's my marriage what is making me depressed" and marriage counsler maybe it is but then I came back into the room and he told me and I said "he had it in high school" and counsler said that was a new ballpark.

My father in law told me to tell my husband "I love you and I want to help you" and my mother in law said to tell him "I am not leaving".

I hope things work. I hope to hear from you.

fiona

6/18/09 2:09am

Hi Natalie,

Thanks for sharing your story. What happened? Did he just turn depression all the sudden. I am very grateful to hear people comment on my question. I think it is very helpful. My husband does not even want to talk to me right now. Sometime I wonder why he is so cruel. My brain is telling me that he does not deserve me. He didn't appreciate what I have done for him and he complicates things by introducing a 3rd person in the relationship. However, my heart is really hurting. I have been going to therapy for 5 times now and it is still not helping. I thought about leaving the house but the thought of leaving something that you have been with you for 8 - 9 years time make me sad.

Natalie

6/18/09 8:09pm

Hi Fiona, You are welcome. We talked last night, I told him I am sorry for everything I have done with him (like yelling at him). I found out yelling doesn't work for him. I started seeing some signs of depression about March, but was still do stuff together and that all stopped in May (when he told me that the marriage was not working out). Then his father came and tried to talk to him but didn't really work out, then we had a talk and he was still feeling the some way, and he said he was willing to go to a marriage counsler. What type of therapy have you beening going to (if I can ask)? Have you looked into a depression group (I found one for family/friends, husbands/wives group here). I have not gone yet but will be there on Tuesday.

We have been married for almost 4 years, and I have not throught about leaving him yet. I know he stayed at a buddy's house for the weekend (marriage counsler asked him to do it) and it was really hard, I was crying and my heart was hurting a lot. Be strong and know people are here to listen to you and help you.

Natalie

Q: What to do when your husband said you are the cause of his depression

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