Q: Ex-boyfriend threatens suicide, tells me that he would only seek help after I take him back. I have tried but, he relapses into his suicidal attempts.I have called 911 but, he has no address. Ideas?
Hi, there. It does sound like you've done about everything you can do. I'm not sure what you mean when you say you've called 911 but he has no address - do you mean, you don't know where he lives? Is he living on the street?
You don't have to allow him to manipulate you with threats of suicide if you don't take him back. This might be one of those cases where you tell him it would be very sad if he were to hurt himself and that you'd like to see him get help, but you can't continue to listen to these threats. This probably sounds cruel, but you have a life of your own and he isn't letting you live it. If he should end his life, please know that it would not be your fault - he's the one who has chosen to not get real help, only to keep seeking attention by crying for help while not really accepting the type of help he needs. One thing you could do is see a therapist yourself for some advice on how to handle this, as well as support.
This probably wasn't a lot of help, but it's hard to help a person who doesn't want to do their part. He needs help and not just if you take him back - he needs it for himself. I hope you take care of yourself and I wish you all the best.
I'm sorry for what happened to your boyfriend and I just want to tell you that I have an adult son who twice tried to kill himself, DESPITE people trying to help him. I'm glad he didn't succeed, and I'm not saying I wouldn't have felt any guilt if he had, but my point is that if a person is determined to hurt himself and won't get help, no matter how much "help" you give him, he still can make that decision to end his life and it's still not your fault. Even if he's getting help, it can still happen. Staying in a relationship that's not good for you and that you don't want to continue is not being honest. Ultimately, we have to accept that we don't have complete power over anyone, we can't make them decide to live.
When I was much younger, I dated a guy for a time who was messed up as I soon discovered, and I knew early on that there wasn't any way I could keep up a long-term relationship with him and broke it off as gently as I could. Then I heard he had another girlfriend who broke up with him and shortly afterward, he killed himself. I felt badly about it, but not guilty. He wasn't equipped to handle rejection and didn't get any help (not many did in those days). But I wasn't going to hand over my life just so he wouldn't feel depressed. I hope you will find peace with this some day and truly FEEL that you were not to blame. It's good that you're getting help to deal with it.
Hi Ivette
The first thing I want to say to you is how sorry I am that you lost your boyfriend in this way. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. I think a lot of people in your situation might replay this entire scenario and wonder why and what you might have done differently.
Here's the thing though...when you say you went through the same situation as the person who posed the original question...you really don't know that. We don't know this person's history more than a few short sentences. We can never truly walk in someone else's shoes. We can talk about our own experience but we can't superimpose consequences and outcomes to someone else. It is very tragic what happened to your boyfriend. But you did not have any control over what he chose to do.
It seems that you are angry at yourself but more so people who give advice on forums. As I have said...I cannot imagine the grief you must be feeling and it is all the more complicated because it was death due to suicide. Strangers on the Internet did not cause his death. You did not cause his death. The person notably absent from your anger is your boyfriend. I think as you delve more into therapy...this may be something you wish to explore.
There are no easy answers in this. It is not a matter of...if only I had done X,Y,and Z...then bad things will not happen. We are not omnipotent beings. We do not have control over others.
I think you do mean well. You don't want this to happen to anyone else. We know that. You are in great pain and you are hurting. But about all you can say is...this was my experience.
Continuing to be with someone who makes threats...to keep that relationship...how would that help? For how long? I guess the question becomes...who is responsible for that person? How is it that a girlfriend becomes the sole responsibility for another person? As Judy mentions...the boyfriend could choose to do this regardless of whether he is with his girlfriend or not.
You cannot make someone well. You cannot change someone. You cannot be someone's savior. As much as we want to sometimes...we cannot. And this is what you must forgive in yourself.
In such a situation I would say...tell someone. Take the person to the ER if you have to. Call their parents...call their friends...tell someone. But to recommend that a girlfriend resume a relationship just to keep someone from following through on a threat...I am not sure if that is going to work.
No easy answers certainly. My best wishes to anyone who is in this predicament. I hope to hear more from our community members on this.
hi, i cant relate to ur situation but i can relate to ur bf,i never did something like that ever to somebody but when we r depressed ,we need affection and attention and care and sometimes the loneliness is unbearable to endure ,we get all kinds of thoughts ,madness ,i just want to ask u,is he manipulating u or is he depressed ,is the suicidal attempt just a threat or is he really totally depressed and the mere thought of being lonely is driving him crazy ,im not saying wat he is doing is rite .no,its not and u shouldnt take the blame on u ,ever .but wati could suggest is find a counsellor who can help u and him and actually show him that ur ready to help.
the counsellor might knw how to deal with him,if he is depressed ,then he might go to therapist.the mere thought of loneliness is sometimes too terrible to endure and sometimes this canlead to terrible thoughts.
talk to a counsellor and seek his/her advice
I wanted to thank you all who have answered my post. It is a very hard situation for me and I appreciate your thoughts and advise truly.
I wanted to add that my ex has been institutionalized when he was a teen for attempting suicide and does not see therapiests as people who could help him. His boos, mom and I try to get him help but, he either geos for too short of a time or just doesn't go at all. He keeps saying he does not need help although his behavior screams otherwise.
His depression is understandable as he suffers chronic kidney problems and more recently brain tumor. Although, there's a part of me that want to help him our relashionship was not all that I had hoped for. His manipulative personality is amplified by his diagnoses. Everyone is to blame for his erratic behavior except for him. And that is the help he needs but he does not want help.
My 911 call was fruitless, as they won't go get anyone if we don't give then an address. Last time I saw him he told me he lives out of his car.
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Hello. This post has touched me personally, because I went through the same situation. I had a boyfriend that had a physical condition which resulted in him falling into a deep depression to the point where all he would talk and think about was suicide. He even attempted it a few times, it was very hard for me to watch him go through all that pain. I thought that I had done everything I could for him, I even signed up to several different websites as you probably have done and read many different opinions on what I should do. I especially kept getting people telling me the same as Judy, your last post, is telling you. Eventually, I listened to them and I did what I thought was best for both him and myself, I told him I woud not take him back until he recieved he proper help. I told him that I was done letting him manipulate me, that I have a life as well and that he will not use his illness to manipulate me any longer. I sent him emails and texts of therapists that I thought he should see. Afterwards, I felt strong, not just as a person for doing and saying that, but as a woman. I was proud of myself and I was sure that by puting my foot down he would seek the help he needed, not just to be with me but for himself. I regret doing that and saying those things, and I hate myself for telling him that. He disappeared for two weeks. I thought it was just him being him and just having one of his "moments". The police found him dead. He had affixiated himself. I live in regret everyday of my life. Everyone tells me it was not my fault and I have even told myself it was not, but no matter how much I try to tell myself it was not my fault and no matter how many times people tell me the same, I keep thinking, "what if I had just taken a different approach, what if I had not listened to people?" maybe he would b alive today. It has ben almost a year, I am seing a therapist for this. I lost 15 lbs, I cannot concentrate and living has become very hard for me. This has not and will never be easy for me, my life has forever changed because of this. I loved him, I wanted to spend my life with him and I did what I thought was best, not just for me but for him. My heart was teling me to be with him but my mind and others wer telling me otherwise. SoFla123, I do not know who you are or what your situation is but I give you this advice; Listen to your heart! Do Not take depression lightly! Judy, I apologize but I disagree with you. Until you go through what I and many others have been through you cannot tell people what you are saying. I listened to people like you and now the person I loved is dead. SoFla123, Do Not make the same mistakes I made. I do agree it is a cry for help, and that is exacty what you need to do, Help him! Now that I think about it I do not believe I was being manipulated by him telling me he would seek help if I stayed with him. I think now that maybe he just was not that strong enough without me by his side. And if I had just been strong enough, to have been here for him, he may still be alive today. That is my advice to you. Feel free to email me if you would like to talk about it. I find that it has helped me to better cope when I talk about what has happened. My name is Ivette and my email is ISanderlane@yahoo.com