Kang...

Listen to me clearly. Everything your feeling, I'm feeling it too. I have severe depression and it comes from alot of the similar things you explained too. You need to take a long hard look at your life and ask yourself what is it that you really want in your life. Like, for example, do you want to feel better about yourself, do you want to lose weight? do you want to give up anything? You need to start making "The Plan" for a whole year, then work on one thing at a time. If you screw up any part of your plan, the key is to remind yourself that every step is a success, don't aim so high. The fact that you actually sat down and use pen to paper and write your first goal, is a hugh success! Trust me, it is for someone who is depressed.

Try and avoid thinking that you are not like anybody else, you are not the idea society, you are not good enough, because you are making yourself feel more guilty because you are a good person, and a good father it seems. It is all wrong, you are just as much of the society as everyone else. You have a problem, and it can be fixed because you deserve to have better.Try and accept yourself, you need to tell yourself " I am Me, and this is Me" and block out those who can't accept you or don't understand you. Believe me, there are people in this world, who can accept and understand you.

First thing you wants to do, is look at your self-esteem. Think about why you have lack of self esteem and write it all down, and then see if each one is workable. Like for example if you lack self esteem because there was lack of affection from your family while you were growing up. then you might want to consider sitting down and trying to have a heart to heart conversation with your family. But keep in mind it may or may not go as well as you want, you have to accept the consequences behind it, because family sometimes just don't get it. IF most of them are already having a shitty life themselves, chances are they may not get it. But you need to talk to them and tell them how you feel, if not face to face, write a letter. It doesn't matter if they get it or not, it just needs to be thrown out there, because it they will always know, regardless how they react.

You wants to look at yourself and ask yourself what dreams you have, and what do you honestly want in your life. If you find yourself saying " I have no idea " that's usually a sign of how depressed you are. When you are depressed, it tends to eat up all your emotions and your mind.. that you have no idea what you truly want or how you really feel. You need to really sit down and really think about it. Just listen to your heart.

You need to stop attacking yourself. The fact you are going through all of this, and sticking around for your kids shows that you are an incredible person. No, I don't know you... but believe me, my father abused the hell out of me, I would honestly feel blessed if I had someone like you.

The secret with a psychologist, is that you need to tell this person how it makes you feel when they " yawn" for example, their goal is to help you... don't' put the pressure on yourself that you are not getting what you needs from them. It's their job to get rid of your stress, and you need to tell them that your not getting anything. They are going to look at you and explain exactly how it's going to work and tell you how the process is going to be. You can go back and see your psychologist again, or you seek elsewhere for help. Other options could be a different Psych. Chat rooms, friends even. There are many options, you just need to find the right one for you. From my experience, you need to understand that it takes a lot of work, time and commitment to find what you need from them. Whatever you do, do not put the stress on yourself that your not getting what you need from them. It's their job, and they knows it. When you tell them that, they will then know that something needs to change.

You need to learn how to love yourself. How can you give love to anyone if you can't love yourself? " Lose yourself, to love yourself" figure that out, and you might understand what to do. Based on what I read so far, it seem that you give alot of love to other people, you just don't stop to give yourself any. Your clearly get your " feeling good mood" from food. Maybe finding a hobby is just simply too soon, work on everyting else first before you work on hobby. Try and find another source of " feeling good Mood" maybe seeing someone who can tell you that you are a good person, or finding a small animal that can show affection, visit the animal adoption center from time to time to get a good feeling. Anything at all that might make you feel good, sex happens to be good for you, but if it's out of control, then try and see women for diff reasons, actually avoid having sex and maybe just hang out with a chick for a coffee or a movie, doesn have to be serious. You do need to feel good from time to time, you just need to find the right source of it. You spends your time trying to give people what they want, and its killing you because it's sucking out all of your energy and motivation. There goes your motivation, your care, your compassion. How can you feel good about yourself, if you haven't even had the chance to work on yourself too. Focus on yourself, tell yourself daily that you can have better, and it will happen.

If you really committed to change your life, you should talk to your ex that you need some time to get yourself on track, and will continue to see the kids of course. Let some people know that your doing this for YOU so people will stop expecting things from you. Everybody needs to lead their own lives, you can't fix the it for them, you can't fix the world, but you can fix yourself. Your family and anybody will be just fine without you. Trust me. We all have to face ourselves sometime. Focus on you first. When you see your kids, start small. Do little things to have fun with them, just because you are in the house all the time, doesn't necessarily means that the kids are not getting what they needs. Don't be putting pressure on yourself about that. Just make one project every time you see them, and then stop and praise yourself for it.  Like for example, lets say you weren't feeling good about going out, your not motivated and its hard for you to feel upbeat about anything. Build a camp-out spot in the living room and tell some stories, try and think of something that might help YOU even. If you have a big interest towards something, try and submit that into your quality kids time, so that you won't lose motivation.

If you want to get a job, give yourself one " PUMPED" day. That means a day that you encourage every inch of motivation, and willpower to do this. But only allow it for one day. Too much can be overwhelming. Search for a couple of jobs at a time, make a resume and a cover letter for each of the job, make your cover letter related on whatever the job description says, apply in person to make a better impression and do a follow up. You'll be guaranteed to have a job. If you feel that your not mentally stable enough to put in all the effort for work, and if you feel that it would just drain you and drag you out. Then go part time.

Start one thing at a time, work on yourself, know that things does get better, don't be so hard on yourself about who you are and what you give to your kids, and work on changing your habits (if desired) if you wanted to eat better, try this trick, one portion of your plate should be meat, other portion is grains, and the half of plate is veggies. Just cut down slowly, you can even try weight watchers, you can find most stuff online for free " Generic Weight Watchers". Lastly, as long as your kids have a loving father which you are, that is all they need. Trust me, I know. Good luck in getting your life in control. I really hope it works out for you. Just remember that The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.