Thursday, September 06, 2012 Jerry asks

Q: I'm not sure if my wife is suffering from depression.

We have been married for 8 years and together for 10 years. Prior to 6 years ago when all of this started we were the best of friends. I noticed a change about 6 months after our fourth child was born. We have had 2 children together and she had 2 from her previous relationship. She started to neglect taking care of the house, and then I noticed she was starting to read more and more shutting out everyone especially me around her out. The reading eventually lead to her secluding herself in her room everyday. Her secluding herself started to lead me to think that she might be having an affair. When I confronted her on that she got pissed and told me I was jealous and didn't trust her. We went to marriage couseling for about 3 sessions, until the marriage counselor suggested that she might be depressed and that she should talk to someone individually. She did not like that so we stopped going to marriage counseling. My wife did not have the greatest childhood, and her previous relationship prior to us was not good at all. As years past by she became extremely good and hiding her feelings, and when I would ask if something was wrong, when she would be up in our room reading she would just reply that she was into reading books. Over the years our family faced many challenges 2 of our kids had ongoing health problems and she herself had some health problems. Recently she lost her mom and I noticed the behavior had increased and she was now starting to blame me for everything, not helping out with the kids, not allowing her to go out with her friends, accusing her of secluding herself. This has led us to the brink of separation. She says that she wants to give marriage counseling another try. I have decided to seek counseling myself and was told by my counselor that she is probably suffering from depression. All I know is that we are not best friends anymore, we are not a couple and now it is starting to effect our kids. I am to the point that I want to leave her and separate but I don't want to leave her hanging if she is possibly suffering from depression and I just didn't notice it. Any advice or suggestions would be of great help I am at my wits end on this - Thanks Jerry

- A
- A
- A

Answers (2)

Jerry Kennard, Health Pro

9/16/12 8:12am

Hi Jerry, You provide an eloquent outline of your situation and within this my sense is that your wife and your relationship has a number of twists and turns that perhaps may not be answered simply by determining whether, or not, your wife has depression. I might add that your own appraisal of events sounds like your spirits are also low and this wouldn't be surprising given the circumstances you outline. A marriage guidance expert may not be equipped to help with mental health issues, even supposing these are the roots of your problems, but unless your wife sees herself as needing help there is really very little anyone can do. We cannot impose 'treatment' on a person who doesn't seek it unless the situation becomes so extreme they are viewed as a danger to themselves or others. I do sympathise with your situation but I would caution against actions that may make your wife feel she is being painted into a corner (I don't suggest you are doing this). If your wife is depressed it will be gentle support and reassurance that may hold the key to success. Falling back on outside agencies may help to provide structure or insight, but it can only go so far. I do wish you all the best and hope that you and your wife manage to resolve your situation.

Judy

9/ 7/12 10:22am

Hi, Jerry. It does, indeed, sound like your wife is suffering from depression and has been in denial about it. You are doing everything right, including the counseling, and she should be seeing a therapist, as well, even if you return to marriage counseling. A psychiatrist might be helpful, too, if a therapist thinks she could benefit from medication. I'm sure you feel like you've put up with this for too long, but I think if you could get her to accept help and she's afraid of losing you and her life as she knows it, she may be motivated enough to work at it. It sounds like she might have suffered from postpartum deression after the fourth child was born and, left untreated, it can go on indefinitely.

I wish you all the best. I hope your wife decides to get the help she needs. I'm glad you're trying to take care of yourself.

Q: I'm not sure if my wife is suffering from depression.

Related Questions

Ask a Question