Me and my girlfriend have both been going through some rough times lately, although I'm dealing with mine and still keeping close to her, shes starting to become distant and it seems like she just wants to run from her problems. She tells me that she loves me, and some days she wants to be with me, and others she doesn't. She always gets these feelings of wanting to be alone, and it hurts her cause she knows being alone will hurt me. She doesn't know how to fix it, its almost like an addiction. Its obviously not healthy, she knows that, but she wants to be alone, so she gives in. She expressed that she doesn't want me to leave, but shes afraid of keeping me here for selfish reasons if she can't decide what she wants. I told her I'm here for her because I love her and this is what I want, but I'm starting to think that if this happens now, it might happen again and again. Truthfully, shes alone, she always talks about how she needs no one and she can do everything by herself. I tell her she can't do this alone and thats why I'm here. But I'm starting to think that I'm being used because she has no other friends (she pretty much dropped out of her social circle before I met her). I wonder if she did have her friends whether she would have just left and broken contact easily.
She has a history of failed relationships because of this, and I'm wondering if this is even possible. She tells me that she always destroys her relationships because she can't hold her end of the deal. She says that she doesn't mind physically being with someone, but sometimes she just doesn't want any emotional connection to people. I'm convinced that this is the result of her first serious relationship (High school boyfriend of 4 years cheated on her cause she didn't want to have sex, had sex with her best friend, and dumped her), or her upbringing (Mom had her when she was 18, raised her alone, often times my girlfriend tells me she grew up entertaining herself cause no one else was there). I think theres something seriously wrong, I don't know if its depression or something else, I told her I'm not professional help but she needs to go seek professional help. Of course she can't afford it, I offered to help her pay, she says no and gives me the classic "I've done it before and it didn't help me." (Its the truth, but I have no clue whether or not it helped her.)
I love her to pieces but I'm not in any shape myself to get strung along with no apparent continuation of the relationship in sight. I know she carries alot of baggage, but it just does not mean anything when you love someone as much as I love her. I carry my own set of serious problems and she puts up with that. Do I stay here and wait it out, or should I just accept that she has problems she can't or won't fix and leave.
Don't leave .I think deep down that is what she expects you to do .. It seems like everybody has left this girl or she drove them away because she expected that they would leave any way.. As to help her with the depression You have started to help her just by asking questions..
i HAVE A similar situation.. My girlfriend is depressed and she always blames me for things and talks really really bad to me and she is really making me feel bad, i dont know how much to take, i also believe im very weak.. ive been trying to be stronger but i think im being dragged. Its important to say that we are currently living in two differnt countries since a month ago, and its been tough on both so.. i dont know what to do.. its really taring me apart.
I am currently facing the same kind of issue. My girl says that she suffers from depression and that illness often controls her feelings and emotions but always in a negative sense to the point where it is almost non existent. She says that she can't control it and anything can trigger it at any time. My major issue is that she continues to tell me she loves me and that is what has allowed me to stay. But when she is in a good mood, why doesn't she take advantage of that and love me and our relationship to the fullest or act like it may be the last time she feels that way. I think that is in her control. I often get the feeling that she is so used to having this issue that it has become an excuse to just blame everything on that rather than enjoy the good times when they come. We used to have so much fun and now we have so many discussions. I am very loyal and committed and I am afraid that one day she will push the envelope too far. I can deal with the issue but I can not deal with the times where the issue is dormant for the moment and she still acts like it is still present. On top of that, I don't know the truth whether it is or not and not knowing is killing and ripping us apart.
She acts like it is still present because it is.
Think of chronic depression like cancer. If you lady had cancer and was in pain most of the time, would you expect her to be completely cured, better and happy on a remote day in which she did not have so much pain? No, the cancer would still be there and an underlying portion of her being.
I know it is ripping you apart. But this is where a separation of identity is necessary. If you chose to love this woman, you chose ALL of her, not just the happy parts. A lot of people believe in a relationship there is a melting of the 2 individuals. To an extent there is. But there is always a line. For example, you are not so melted together that she rides with you to work. If her depression is depressing you, then you must learn to empathize and sympathize not suffer with her. Hold her if she wants to be held, but more than anything, walk away when she says go away. When the time is right, she will come to you.
We love to have romantic ideals about living happily ever after with our chosen partner. But the fact of the matter is, most of us are under the empression that a couple is to be joined at the hip, sit on top of each other on the couch, be all cuddly at the time. I don't know about you, but as a woman, I can't stand that especially not when I am depressed.
There are so many aspects of depression to learn about and each person is different. Each relationship is different. No acknowledge the differences. Accept them.
It is not always about, "if she doesn't want to help herself then you can't help her." We are not talking about a controllable issue like alcoholism or drug addiction where the controlling substance can be put down. We are talking about a chemical imbalance in the brain. Stop to consider that she cannot help herself. However, if she does not want help or reassurance for the moment, then step aside and wait for the moment to pass. It will pass.
Living with the chronically depressed is a moment by moment adventure. Who knows, perhaps seeing that you have not fed into her depression and can still be happy to be around her because of who she is, then she will accept that and become open to accepting that you do actually love her. And believe me she feels without a doubt that she is unloveable and undeserving of your love. Walking away from her will only prove it.
But to accomplish all of this you must take back yourself, your individuality. Stand beside her, offer your hand to help her up. Do not hold her up
Thank you for this answer, so beautifully explained. I am in the same situation my fiance is depressed and hates herself and she is worried that she would be worthy for me when this situation is over. I said to her i was always here and i will always be there for her. But we have not seen each other for more than 6 weeks now and only spoken to her 3 times on the phone.
11 days ago, in our second call , she was so happy to hear my voice and we said to each other nothing has finished yet, we laughed and we were happy.
However, when 1 week ago i called her and asked her if she would like to meet, she immediately rejected and told me not to call her until she calls me. She added that she loves me very much. I was dissappointed and really sorry for her and this waiting is killing me. All her family loves me and my family loves her and everbody is waiting for her right now, not asking her a single question and letting her be!!!
However, when will this end? When will she be ok so we will be ok together happy again? Won't she have to fight her fears anyway? She says she is gathering her strenghth and when she comes back, we will never be apart again but she needs to be alone. Why can't she stop thinking she needs to be alone?
I am so lonely and depressed as well and waiting is killing me. My head is full of worries and i have missed her and i love her very much.
I know there is nothing i can do now but to wait but i cant stand it. I wish i could sleep all this time until she calls me back
I have been there if she wont help herself then you cant help her, it will eat you up and pull you down with some people they use a disorder and past to blame others for everything they feel with no respect for others feelings, you say it might happen again and again from my experience it will, tell her your true feelings one more time talk to her again tell her how it makes you feel give that a try tell her everyything and if it continues to happen how ever much it will hurt and it wiil. you must then think about going and getting on with your life, or it will eat you up more and more try again but dont keep trying or it will destroy you
It's true. If she won't help herself then you can only do so much. Many people who start counselling sessions leave when the emotional gates are opened and do not finish the course.
Then they say "I tried it and it did not work."
The counseling draws out bad memories or emotions then seeks out ways of coping with them. If the root of her depression is traumatic she will not feel the benefits of talking through it with a professional. She will say that it was not good for her, it just brought up loads of bad stuff she's tried to bury. Then things like a gas bill or a broken gate will be blamed as a trigger for her depression when the root continues to be ignored.
Try to help her by all means but you will only succeed as far as she is willing to go. The best of luck.
I agree with the above and would add that this could be an opportunity for you to start learning "loving without attachment." You could focus on healing your issues without leaving her. You might find that as you feel better about yourself, things will start shifting with her. If you make a commitment to your best life, she will either step up to be able to be with you or she won't. If she feels that you are committed to your growth and development first, this will relieve her of any feelings of burden that she needs to be a certain way to please you. Ultimately, only she can do the work of healing herself, and I know from experience that healing those childhood wounds can be terrifying and very painful. If there is sexual (or any kind of) abuse involved it can take years. However, it is totally worth it!
Usually people don't make the effort to change that much until staying the same becomes too painful. Having someone who loves you without trying to change you can also be an impetus to start working on ourselves.
Be well and thanks for the courage to share.