My partner of 8 basically great years is in a bout of heavy depression brought on by a number of things primarily work. (good money, benefits but otherwise a miserable environment). Back in May of this year he finally admitted how unhappy he is and we've been struggling day to day ever since. Approximately a month ago I was on the receiving end of what seems like a typical crisis where he announced he needed to leave because he had to see if it was our relationship making him so miserable. We talked it through, he agreed to stay and I'd try to help him. He refused any sort of medical treatment growing hysterical "I'm not crazy!" and so I've been trying with sporadic luck things like St. John's Wort. We also agreed we'd rearrange our come home schedules so that he could go to the gym every day after work (that lasted about two weeks).
Flash forward three months and he's still functioning going to work, playing in bands and even taking a class to wrap up his degree. Meanwhile he's still miserable, I'm growing more and more down myself: I started seeing a therapist but am feeling ambivalent about the whole process so far, getting acupuncture, trying to exercise every day and doing breathing techniques to control my own anxiety issues that this had brought on. Unfortunately I have no close friends or family here so I'm failing on the surrounding myself with caring people advice I always read about.
Now in his defense I recognize he's trying but you know it's been a tough year for the both us: health problems in our aging pets (aka the kids I'm not having), my dad was diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer, and now this depression. Thing is my way is generally I get sad for a day and then I fight back, I have no experience in dealing with this level of depression and I've tried everything from being cheerful to ignoring his out bursts to trying to help out however I can. However he's becoming a man I scarcely recognize much less like as a person. The amount of empathy I feel for this man who used to bring me such delight and was the person I wanted to grow old with, is being replaced much more quickly by anger and resentment. There is a job opening with an unknown timeline at his job which he's being recommended for and I believe would be a whiz at (which I think would do him a world of good). But it's not a sure thing and there's no definite start date and I think he's just holding on to this job possibility as his lifeline. I dread what will happen if he can't get this job and he's stuck in his current position.
Here's where I get so conflicted: I recognize his current behavior which is to treat me at best like a cordial roommate who he can complain to but will have his back is the condition and he does love me still. However this is increasingly making me into an unhappy person — my mother recently commented that this is changing my personality. So when a person refuses treatment, refuses to cut out drinking (history of alcoholism in his family) but is still struggling to be a functional guy where do you draw the line and say: get treatment or get out. Or do I just bide my time hope this job solves some of his issues and do my best to not sink into the mire of his issues. I am well aware this makes me sound terribly self centered but at the end of the day I have to protect myself so as to remain a reasonably happy and productive person or I do both him and myself a great disservice. Also to be honest, after his panic stricken " I need to leave" crisis I don't trust him very much, and now am left dreading him pulling that again and thinking perhaps maybe that would be for the best. I should add, he is terrible at emotional communication as in can't handle talking about it all. Honestly it's not my strongest suit (hence therapy) but to even discover how down he was we had to have one of our few and far between annual fights. So hard to believe this is the same man who the day after Easter snuck out after work to buy me a belated chocolate bunny, jellybeans, misc. treats and a bouquet of flowers....
Any advice from either partners of folks struggling with depression who've stayed, left or from the folks who've gotten themselves somewhat out of that dark hole?
Thank you for your response Judy. I feel I should add just to be fair, when I say he's trying to pull himself up he genuinely is. After seeing the impact going out every night til all hours of the night (he's always been a night owl) was having on me. He has curtailed this behavior into being more thoughtful about his time coming home and alerting me via text what's going on. He's also curtailed the number of evenings he actually does go out. The remaining issue is just how much he drinks on those nights out (he never drinks at home). That to me is the next big hurdle since to me at least it's obvious alcohol is a depressant, he currently is a depressant, but I guess logic rarely wins the day.
This past week though due to work stuff his mood has just slipped back down again. We both have feast or famine type jobs where some weeks we kill ourselves and then we got through downtimes waiting for the next project to come our way. Unfortunately for him he cannot admit to this or his is judged in a negative way by his peers and his manager. In a healthy work environment an employee who is in a lull and comes to you as their manager and says "What needs to be done, who needs help until my next assignment starts up?" should be greeted as the sign of a good employee with a strong work ethic. In his world it's met with irritation for not having enough initiative to make up work from locating problems in a business area you are sometimes less than 100% familiar with. Do this for five years trapped because of your benefits and salary and I can totally understand why it's just brutalized him. And in parallel my career took off and I have the most amazing job ever in a lot of ways, so I suspect there is some resentment about that and our significant salary discrepancies.
I understand his fear of going to a doctor and possibly be prescribed what around here was always jokingly called "crazy people meds". Especially for a man who gags at taking aspirin and always must consume food to swallow a simple Advil.
It's been eight pretty good years I think I owe it a bit more time but I certainly can't see living like this for years to come like some partners seem to.