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Friday, August 27, 2010 emona, Community Member, asks

Q: Should i leave a suicide note of im planning to kill myself?

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Answers (6)
Merely Me, Health Guide
8/28/10 9:08am

Hi Emona

 

Listen...we don't know what all is going on in your life right now.  But I can tell that you are in a tremendous amount of pain.  Killing yourself is not the answer.  We want you to live through this.  Depression makes us think things we ordinarily wouldn't and makes it all seem real.  It is possible to feel better...I know because I have felt this way too in my life.  What helped me was to reach out for help as you are doing.  One other thing...you cannot change other people...you can only change yourself.  The world will always disappoint us in some ways.  But you can still keep going.

 

We are not a 24 hour crisis type of site so I want to give you some numbers which are 24 hour crisis hotlines.


National Suicide Hopeline
Phone: 800.784.2433

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Phone: 800.273.8255

 

I want you to call one of these numbers and/or talk to a friend or loved one.  You don't need to suffer.

 

Please get some help and also write to us again to let us know that you are okay. 

 

We want you to stay with us.

 

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emona, Community Member
8/28/10 7:55pm

I cant i just cant i dunno why im even asking for help no one needs me i cant trust anyone or even myself i dont even know why am i living but all i know is tht i have 45 more hours

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Merely Me, Health Guide
8/28/10 8:54pm

Emona...

 

You are asking for help because you want it and need it.  And that is okay.  There are people who will listen and will try to help but you must let them.  I really do want you to try calling one of those numbers.  I will find other numbers if you need them.  You need to get some help now.

 

I want you to hold on because your depression is causing you to only see the bad stuff right now and feel the pain.  There is so much more than this feeling.  Your life is worth so much more than what others think, or do, or say.  This bad time is going to pass...you must let it pass.  Time is going to help.

 

Please call one of the hotline numbers. 

 

The pain will not end if you kill yourself.  That pain will live on with each person who knows and loves you.  I can assure of this.  You don't want that kind of legacy.  You will end all opportunities to feel better again...to try...to feel joy or happiness.

 

If you are angry deep down inside about people who have hurt you or disappointed you...talk about this...but do not harm yourself.

 

I would like it very much if you keep writing to us and telling us your story.  What has exactly happened to make you feel so depressed and to this point of wishing to harm yourself? 

 

Talk to someone now...a friend...a loved one...family...call one of the hotlines...but do so now.

 

Okay?  I expect to hear from you again.

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Judy, Community Member
8/27/10 11:15pm

Emona, I'm hoping your question means you're not quite sure that you really want to do this.  Is there anyone you can talk to about wanting to kill yourself?  I'm giving you this link to a sharepost written by Merely Me for people who feel they cannot cope any longer.  I hope you will read it and do whatever you need to do to hang in there.  Killing yourself is no guarantee that your pain will end, but it is a guarantee that the ones you leave behind will suffer pain.  Your depression is playing tricks on you, so do NOT listen to that voice!

 

Would you like to talk some about what has happened to bring you to this point?  Whatever it is, I will bet that someone on this site has had a similar experience or two and might be able to be helpful.  Please write again and let us know that you haven't gone through with this, okay?  We want you to stay with us.

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emona, Community Member
8/28/10 12:43am

i just cant take any longer everyone sold me out everyone even the relly close ones i mean i feel so alone y cant they feel me , ppl dont like me they dont like who i am they dont like the way i act  i tried to change for them alot , i tried and tried but they didnt relize tht i tried so hard for them and they r just sellin me out . i tried crying i tried screaming i tried alot of things but i just find myself putting a smile and wipping my tears every time i c someone. No one wants to listen to me, i cant take it no more :"((

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John Folk-Williams, Health Guide
8/28/10 6:21pm

Emona -

 

Please listen to Judy and Merely Me and hang in there. You talk about changing your own behavior to get other people to like you. That's a losing battle - in fact, it always backfires because you wind up trying to be someone you're not. People sense that immediately. I have no idea how old you are, but people at many ages tend to hang out in cliques and push away anyone who doesn't fit their style. That's their problem - they're just trying to feel good about themselves by getting lost in the identity of a group. But it hurts to be excluded or feel rejected - that's something we all experience.

 

I went through many years of trying be part of social groups that really didn't fit my personality. I thought so little of myself and had such anxiety in being with other people that I'd put on some sort of act or hide my ugly self by joking my way through a situation. It was agonizing. But at some point, I realized that all I can be is who I am - and that it's OK to be me.  I hope you can get some help soon and try to look at yourself a little differently.

 

You sound so deeply unhappy - I really feel for you and hope you'll get past the idea of taking yourself out. There is a voice of depression that pushes us in exactly that direction - total destruction of who you are. Believe it not, you have deep value as a person, and I hope you can begin to see that in spite of what you believe other people think of you.

 

John

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emona, Community Member
8/28/10 8:02pm

I dont rlly know i was so happy when i was not being myself but when i choose to no one was there for me no one i cnt belive tht my family wasnt there too when i needed them. And i dont think i can stop or end anything at all unless i just end myself.

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emona, Community Member
8/28/10 11:03pm

I will try to hang on but im not sure of how to do it if there is no one to be there for me even the person tht i loved and cared about dumped me.I dont want to be alone and just fake a smile everyday.I dunno if i can keep going with all this hurt inside me and all those scars tht remind me of everything bad happened in my life . I just dont want to feel anyhting anymore.

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Judy, Community Member
8/29/10 10:48pm

Emona, if you will accept help, you won't have to fake a smile every day.  You don't even have to fake a smile now.  Be yourself.  All that hurt inside you will not last forever, especially if you allow yourself to talk to someone about it.  I understand not wanting to feel anything, but the problem is, you stop feeling everything, the happy with the sad.  That can make you feel like a shell.  But it doesn't have to be that way.  Please call some numbers, that's the first step.

 

What has happened to you to make you feel so terrible?  It must be something pretty awful, I think, or perhaps it's the way you feel about yourself.  Everyone on this site has been in your place at some time or another, so we know what we're talking about.  My son nearly succeeded at killing himself and I know that if he had done so, my heart would have broken.  He's very glad he didn't succeed, too.  Please write again and tell us that you've made a call or two, okay?  We do care what happens to you, you are not alone.

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Hopeless future, Community Member
4/ 8/12 5:12pm
Im pretty tired of life to. I eork everyday and go to school and debt climbs higher. Ive taken student loans. Im trying to get a better job even whike still in college preparing for another job. Im so tired of most of the people in this world. They just make it difficult and take and take. Even the nice ones they just take in different ways. I try and ive tried. But to no avail. Im jusqt a slitly above avg kid with decent math and verbal skills and thats gonna get me a whole lot of nowhere. Is the point of life to work myself into the grave. Bc that seems ike my only option. And if it is. Id really rather just get it over with. Have been debating this for months and i kniw im depressed. Ive been depressed since middle school when my hormones kicked in. Im not bad looking or a bad person overall id say but i get messed with and taken advantage alot. Gulible id say and im sure others use much more unkind words. I have very few friends and dont fit with any crowd really. No future chances for a relationship and my future chance of doing nething seem slim to none. And to think as a kid all i wanted was to help the world ike a firefighter or doctor. Now im becoming a male nurse. If i find the will the keep on keeping on even thiugh it wont pay off Reply
Judy, Community Member
4/ 8/12 6:27pm

Have you tried to get any help, yet?  Your line of thinking is really depression talking.  You haven't met "most" people in this world yet to be able to say that all they do is take and take.  You may not know yet what your purpose in life is, but you have one.  You said you wanted to help the world by being a firefighter or a doctor - now you're becoming a male nurse, which sounds like you are going into a field that you wanted.  So what's wrong with being a nurse?  Why are you doing it?  Think about that.  So maybe you don't have a lot of friends - do you want GOOD friends or a lot of so-so friends?  The number of friends you have is not a measure of your value, believe me.  You can still have a life without having a lot of friends.

 

I still am hoping that you will reach out for help somewhere - you don't have to do this alone and there ARE people who care.  What can we do to help?

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Hopeless future, Community Member
4/ 8/12 7:09pm
Yes ive had help from professionals and thrir medicine. I probably have an under lying issue like manic depression or anxiety exacerbating the depression. And while ill nvr meet most ppl in this world i should have phrased mostppl ihave met. To many hypocrites , raises hand, like me. I try not to be but most of the time i look atwherethe world is and what alot of ppls priorites are here in america. Maybe i need a beeter culture less monochromatic morepoly. Even then ppl will generally divide into groups and being american id instantly be divide from some peplesveiw of my people and yes i have always gone for great friends but they toodisappoint im sorry for all the spacing erroers. Crack rt on spacebar Reply
Judy, Community Member
4/ 8/12 7:31pm

Are you seeing a therapist and are your underlying issues being addressed?  Reading what you've written here, it feels like you're writing off anything that might be helpful and really don't want to let anyone help.  You say, "people will generally divide into groups," but aren't you kind of saying the same thing and dividing people into groups - those who are like you and those who are not?  Sure, there are a lot of things wrong in America, but there is no place in civilization you can go and not find problems.  Yes, people will disappoint you but is it possible you might expect too much?  We are all imperfect human beings, after all.  I like to believe that most people do the best they can, just like you.  Depression robs you of the ability to see that.  Maybe the professionals you have seen were not the right ones for you.  Not all medications work for everyone.  It can take some trial and error - and patience. Please hang in there.

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Hypno, Community Member
8/30/10 5:34am

Dear Emona,

 

I understand how you are feeling right now. I have been there several times over the last few years. I can assure you that if you do keep in contact with members through this site and ring one of the numbers Merely Me has given you you will find the support you need to help you to get through this rough time in your life. From experience I know what it feels like to realise that just about everybody you have regarded as a friend have only wanted to use me in some way. The reason they have done this is because I had built up the relationships on a basis that I was needed by them in some way. I would do everything to please them..and in doing so I was not pleasing myself...I was only pleased if they were pleased with me. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy...whenever I looked to them for some support, they would not be there for me, because our relationship had been based on me helping them! So my answer was to turnmy attention to why it was that I was looking to them for support when I had been very capable at providing support to them. For me I made the shift when I decided to take responsibiilty and accountability for my own life. I could continue to be unhappy with my lot in life, or I could make positive steps to bring new and exciting experiences into my life that I would enjoy. I did this slowly at first and now feel lighter in mood each day. Sure...sometimes I get into the bad habits again and I get a shock..but now I can recognise HOW I have got myself into this position. I've learned the question to ask is not WHY has this happened...but instead ask HOW did this happen...and then you can do something about the how by doing things differently in the future.

 

As to the suicide note...commit yourself to living with support through this difficult time and the dilemma of leaving notes disappears. Concentrate now on relaxing, stop giving yourself a hard time and instead give yourself some long overdue care and attention. The note represents a desire to live through this time so that you exist beyond this time. That means you want to very much be alive. The suicidal thoughts are not really that you want to be dead. They are just your brain saying to you that you need to Stop doing something in the way you've always done it (which is causing you much pain) and do something else instead. The depressive state is merely an opportunity for deep soul searching learning. When you discover your learning point now you will florish and begin to enjoy life again but this time in a much more fulfilling way. This painful time is your chance to make improvements in the way you are able to live your life, to shed the losers and make new relationships with people on a healthier footing where you and your views a respected alongside you respecting others points of view.

 

Kindest of thoughts. We all care about you on this site. Take Care of Yourself and keep writing on this site!!!!

 

Hypno

Please keep writing.

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Merely Me, Health Guide
9/ 2/10 5:56pm

Emona...

 

We have not heard from you in awhile.  I am concerned about you.  Could you please write to us and let us know how you are doing?  I am hoping that you have gotten some help.

 

Stay in touch with us...we want to know that you are okay.

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emona, Community Member
9/11/10 7:19pm

I'm sorry for not replying tht quick it's just tht my family thought im crazy and they tried getting me away from comunicating with other people , they belive that i should be away from everyone around me but i just cant help it i will just keep holding on although i feel like i had enough.

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emona, Community Member
4/12/12 4:38pm

Its been about 2 years now since i last wrote. i would like to tell u that i see everything in a diffrent way now, to me its better. I like the way that i care less now about wat ppl want n concentrate on wat i want. Tho some dont rlly like it but as i said i just look at wat i want. It does turn out when life takes from u the best things u always wanted, it also doess give u its best things. What im saying is tht its normal to get to the point where enough is enough, im still going to face lots of things that will bring me down. But i shld stand up right after that. I guess thats the point of life. Thats the part when we actually live.

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Julia, Community Member
6/13/12 2:53am

Im planning on killing myself also very soon- personally i dont think ill leave a note, they know why your doing it, it wont really be a shock so why waste your time? Good luck, ill meet you there!

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By emona, Community Member— Last Modified: 01/22/13, First Published: 08/27/10