Listen...we don't know what all is going on in your life right now. But I can tell that you are in a tremendous amount of pain. Killing yourself is not the answer. We want you to live through this. Depression makes us think things we ordinarily wouldn't and makes it all seem real. It is possible to feel better...I know because I have felt this way too in my life. What helped me was to reach out for help as you are doing. One other thing...you cannot change other people...you can only change yourself. The world will always disappoint us in some ways. But you can still keep going.
We are not a 24 hour crisis type of site so I want to give you some numbers which are 24 hour crisis hotlines.
National Suicide Hopeline
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
I want you to call one of these numbers and/or talk to a friend or loved one. You don't need to suffer.
Please get some help and also write to us again to let us know that you are okay.
We want you to stay with us.
Emona, I'm hoping your question means you're not quite sure that you really want to do this. Is there anyone you can talk to about wanting to kill yourself? I'm giving you this link to a sharepost written by Merely Me for people who feel they cannot cope any longer. I hope you will read it and do whatever you need to do to hang in there. Killing yourself is no guarantee that your pain will end, but it is a guarantee that the ones you leave behind will suffer pain. Your depression is playing tricks on you, so do NOT listen to that voice!
Would you like to talk some about what has happened to bring you to this point? Whatever it is, I will bet that someone on this site has had a similar experience or two and might be able to be helpful. Please write again and let us know that you haven't gone through with this, okay? We want you to stay with us.
Please listen to Judy and Merely Me and hang in there. You talk about changing your own behavior to get other people to like you. That's a losing battle - in fact, it always backfires because you wind up trying to be someone you're not. People sense that immediately. I have no idea how old you are, but people at many ages tend to hang out in cliques and push away anyone who doesn't fit their style. That's their problem - they're just trying to feel good about themselves by getting lost in the identity of a group. But it hurts to be excluded or feel rejected - that's something we all experience.
I went through many years of trying be part of social groups that really didn't fit my personality. I thought so little of myself and had such anxiety in being with other people that I'd put on some sort of act or hide my ugly self by joking my way through a situation. It was agonizing. But at some point, I realized that all I can be is who I am - and that it's OK to be me. I hope you can get some help soon and try to look at yourself a little differently.
You sound so deeply unhappy - I really feel for you and hope you'll get past the idea of taking yourself out. There is a voice of depression that pushes us in exactly that direction - total destruction of who you are. Believe it not, you have deep value as a person, and I hope you can begin to see that in spite of what you believe other people think of you.
I understand how you are feeling right now. I have been there several times over the last few years. I can assure you that if you do keep in contact with members through this site and ring one of the numbers Merely Me has given you you will find the support you need to help you to get through this rough time in your life. From experience I know what it feels like to realise that just about everybody you have regarded as a friend have only wanted to use me in some way. The reason they have done this is because I had built up the relationships on a basis that I was needed by them in some way. I would do everything to please them..and in doing so I was not pleasing myself...I was only pleased if they were pleased with me. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy...whenever I looked to them for some support, they would not be there for me, because our relationship had been based on me helping them! So my answer was to turnmy attention to why it was that I was looking to them for support when I had been very capable at providing support to them. For me I made the shift when I decided to take responsibiilty and accountability for my own life. I could continue to be unhappy with my lot in life, or I could make positive steps to bring new and exciting experiences into my life that I would enjoy. I did this slowly at first and now feel lighter in mood each day. Sure...sometimes I get into the bad habits again and I get a shock..but now I can recognise HOW I have got myself into this position. I've learned the question to ask is not WHY has this happened...but instead ask HOW did this happen...and then you can do something about the how by doing things differently in the future.
As to the suicide note...commit yourself to living with support through this difficult time and the dilemma of leaving notes disappears. Concentrate now on relaxing, stop giving yourself a hard time and instead give yourself some long overdue care and attention. The note represents a desire to live through this time so that you exist beyond this time. That means you want to very much be alive. The suicidal thoughts are not really that you want to be dead. They are just your brain saying to you that you need to Stop doing something in the way you've always done it (which is causing you much pain) and do something else instead. The depressive state is merely an opportunity for deep soul searching learning. When you discover your learning point now you will florish and begin to enjoy life again but this time in a much more fulfilling way. This painful time is your chance to make improvements in the way you are able to live your life, to shed the losers and make new relationships with people on a healthier footing where you and your views a respected alongside you respecting others points of view.
Kindest of thoughts. We all care about you on this site. Take Care of Yourself and keep writing on this site!!!!
Please keep writing.
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