Wednesday, December 30, 2009 love asks

Q: the man i was dating opened up his heart to me, and the next day wanted time alone. please help!

this hurts the way it does because we didnt just know we wanted to be with each other and get to know one another better, but we really became each others best friends. i met all of his family, his best friends and he met mine. he was shocked at how great things were going, how much trust he had in me...as i did with him. on dec 23 we got into an argument because although we had accomplished so much we were just exclusively dating(something we both wanted) but he misunderstood me and thought i wasnt happy with the way things were going, and i thought he wasnt sure about his feelings <--which came to as a surprise because i knew he was sure, but i thought he had said he wasnt. long story short, after he explained to me that everything was a misunderstanding, and told me he had never had such an amazing girl, that his heart was in it and it was willing to work because he wants a true chance with me. the next day he called me to see if i was feeling alright, if i had slept well, and to tell me how i should have no doubt of him wanting to be with me. we wished each other a very merry xmas and went to sleep. on dec. 26 he got into a state of depression. he canceled all his plans and didnt want to do anything. if i asked him if he wanted to come out with my friends ..he said "i dont know", if he wanted to do something with his friends "i dont know". in short he didnt leave his house in 4 days. and was doing a lot of sleeping. he told me he didnt know how he started feeling like this but that he didnt know what he wanted to do with himself. he didnt know what he wanted with his life...and felt like he has nothing to give, no passion.

[his dad is very old and very sick, and on dec.20 had to be rushed to the hospital, hes still not in the field he wants, there have been serious family issues, as well as bills which all fall on him] but he always said i had a way to bring a smile to his face, that i was a "type of amazing he didnt know how to explain."

when i asked him 2 days ago if he knew if he wanted to spend new years with me and he said "i dont know", i dont know if i want to do anything...i lost patience. i asked him how he could not know if he wanted to be with me? and he said he still likes me, and missed me. he said it had nothing to do with me. after we had this arguement, i calmed down and called him again. and i was shocked to see how his mood changed. he was upbeat and willing to drop off my things whenever i wanted to and that he didnt know what he was doing for new years but he was definatly getting out of the house.

i am devasted. i dont know how to feel. its as if he lied to me all this time. all my friends are as shocked as i am. i dont know what to believe...

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Answers (4)

Merely Me, Health Guide

12/30/09 5:57pm

Hello

Okay...so you are dating a moody man. It is true...men have moods too. It seems your boyfriend has a lot on his plate?

What I am about to say...I hope nobody takes offense but...I do have this quote based on some science about one of the differences between men and women.

"Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road," said Dr Brizendine, who runs a female "mood and hormone" clinic in San Francisco."

I kinda believe this is true. And as one comedian puts it, "I'm just a guy."

Us women enter into relationships differently than men. Men are more apt to...need some space. It is not disrespect to us. They just need to regather their emotional selves. Whereas many women go out and seek social support...men tend to go into their caves and regroup. There is nothing wrong with this...this is just what some of them do.

So don't take it personally when a guy gets close and then retreats. It is scary to get close to someone. Allow him time to get himself together and return. And if he doesn't well...his loss.

The more you understand men the less you will take this sort of thing personally.

Okay?

I hope things turn out the way you want them! And when he retreats...do something for yourself. You don't need to wait around by the phone. Most likely...he will come around.

Thank you for your question.

love

12/31/09 5:33pm

hi thank you so much for your advice!

yes, he does have a lot on his plate and he told me in no way did he think any negative thoughts about me...for me not to worry because it had nothing to do with me. however, he talked about wanting some time for himself, he wanted to be "selfish" and focus on him. i felt as if he realized he wanted to be single at my cost.

what made it the more confusing was that he told me " i want you to know i really like you, i like you a lot. i think you should know that." and to have this happen is unreal.

i guess its hard to understand how someone can feel so much for you and want to be away???

you should know that the 2 days after the fight, when i thought things were back on track (since we had cleared the air)... he started acting weird he wouldnt contact me unless i talked to him & he would talk and make converstation but never would he reach out to me first.

However, just last night, after going out to a movie with one of my gfs and finally venting with my best guy friend, i realized i couldnt hurt like this for someone who wasnt sure of anything in life. and so just when i crossed the line back to sanity, i get an IM saying "hey! how are you?"

i didnt respond.

afterall when we discussed staying friends while he goes through this we both agreed we didnt know how it would work. and i finally decided i couldnt do it.

Tracey

12/30/09 5:14pm

Hi there!

Have you just joined? - i have only been on here a week and gained so much from talking to people o her. Im so sorry you are in this situation, not knowing what your man wants but you are not aloe...browse peoples stories and see how similar they are - if hope like me you will realise and act the best way you can...rather than tell you my story here have a look at my post and see if anything rings true / or makes sense? TRUST me it DOES help to find out what other peoples lives are like. My situation happened nearly 4 weeks ago and now im getting some positive signals from him...please dont worry, we will all get there im sure - have patience, understanding and hope. How long have you been with your boyfriend btw and what signals did he show? im here as are many others for you my sweet, speak soon xxxxx

no quitter

12/30/09 6:10pm

hi sweetie

having been in your position so many times i understand the first time it happens is a real culture shock, men are moody anyway its the nature of the beast in my vast experience (3 brothers five nephews a bi polar partner i am the only girl) it doesnt mean he thinks any less of you because he wants some alone time, we all get confused, scared and want to hide away in our own little worlds, to lick our wounds, evaluate our emotions and generally come to terms with life, when you add depression to the mix it becomes a necessity.. give him the space he needs, tell him that you are there for him and concentrate on your own activities, not to exclude him but to give you a focus also. it is the amzing people who pick up my pieces here that have taught me the hardway to back off and let him come to me... have patience, if he is for you then it won't ever go past you xx

love

12/31/09 5:56pm

hi! thanks for taking the time to respond and shine some light on my situation.

i believe understading that he still cares and has feelings for me despite wanting to focus on himself is the hardest part. i am in no way being selfish, for i talked to him and offered him advice on how to move on and face this situation with a more positive outlook, however i believe that has to come from him. all the time ive known him he never showed symptoms of being depressed until he began sleeping a lot, not leaving his house for 4 days, not wainting to be out with his own friends. and everything that had any relation to me came down to an "i dont know" can it be possible for someone to not know? ugh

* just last night, i decided it was time for me to leave my house, where i have spent too much time analyzing, crying and feeling as if ive lost not just someone i liked in a romantic way but also my best friend. i went out to see a movie with one of my gfs, who has been very supportive throught this all. and finally when i came home i vented with my best guy friend for what seemed to be the last time. after talking to him and about the situation for 4 days i realized i couldnt let this consume me. i couldnt let someone elses indecision make me feel so small. so i stood there at the line between insanity and sanity and i took the leap! i felt as if i made peace with it all. nothing i could do. and then....HE contacts me. saying " hey! how are u?"

2 things happened: i felt angry, he didnt care for 2 days bfr i confronted him about things... if i was doing ok or not. and 2. i didnt respond: we had agreed we couldnt be friends. and yes, it crushed me, but if its friendship he still wants, im not ready and i dont know when i will be.

i would love to hear any feed back which might help.

no quitter

1/ 1/10 5:04am

sweetheart i wish i had all the answers to your questions, in reality i dont even know where to begin to find my own, i have been completely frozen out by the man i love for three weeks now and you do feel like you have lost someone in the sense of being breaved only they come back, my heart is in tatters my soul crushed for like you do i try with the best of intentions to help him comfort him and make him happy.. i thought he was my bestfriend, that is the hardest part i feel to deal with, relationships come and go but real friends are forever!! you cannot fix him, that is what i have learned, cannot make him happy, only he can do that and he has to have the will to want too.. you seem to be strong but that a good thing... being friends is very difficult that is what i am trying to be..you are doing verywell it is their indecision and cruel behaviour that is the hardest thing to take, the selfishness is heartbreaking it feels like you are not worth anything but you are we are all worth so much more than this, now is the time you need to sit back and really think about what is best for you... do you want to end up in the situation i am in, i continually made allowances for his behaviour and now he feels like he can treat me however he wants and i will always forgive... i hope this helps anything else i can help with you only have to ask... let me know what happens xx

Judy

12/30/09 11:28pm

Hi, there. It sounds to me like maybe he's realizing that things are getting serious between you and it's making him assess what it is he wants out of his life, for which he needs some space. He's maybe feeling more vulnerable than he's comfortable with, having opened up to you in a moment of "weakness." I do think men tend to retreat a bit more if they're feeling emotionally involved and are scared. I wouldn't give up on him, just give it some time and see what happens. I went through this with my husband for almost three years before we got married, it about drove me crazy, but it worked out in the end. But if it gets to a point where you think he's just yanking your chain, maybe you will want to re-think this relationship. Like the others said, take care of yourself, pursue your interests and don't postpone having a life while waiting for him. I know I did that and it ended up working out, but I lost a lot of friends along the way.

Feel free to write again - there's always someone around who will listen!

Q: the man i was dating opened up his heart to me, and the next day wanted time alone. please help!

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