Alright so.. Here goes. I don't know if I'm in the right place, but I needed somewhere to go for this... I suppose it's a double whammy, but what do I know? I'm no professional with any aspect of my own life.
I'm seventeen, and since I was about thirteen, I've been diagnosed and treated for depression. You can blame depression on millions of things but there is no real way to pinpoint it. I guess I was just growing up around the wrong people. My father, since as far back as I can remember was always dealing with anger and my mom could never pull herself together. Since their divorce when I was fifteen, I thought I was pretty much cured of my depression. I stopped taking medicine for it and at first everything went downhill. But, being a stubborn teenager I promised I'd pick myself back up. I went to a new highschool, got new friends, and started with a clean slate.
Everything was looking up. And until these past few weeks, everything was smooth sailing i was able to tell people 'i went through depression' or 'i used to feel that way.' however, as i've begun to notice, things can reverse themselves in the blink of an eye.
You have to understand. I'm no negligent teen. I'm not one of those messed up girls who we hear about in movies. I've never done drugs or alcohol. And until I started dating my current boyfriend, I had never even been kissed.
My boyfriend and I have known each other since we were ten, we did soccer together and we grew up together, I would come to know him as my best friend and the only person I would open up to back 'when i was depressed'. A year ago we started dating and it felt natural, I believe it was part of what pulled me out of my struggles previously. Before you start thinking of how sweet I must be, let me bring your hopes down. A few months ago, we decided to do something that is understandably a parent's worst fear. We had sex. The first few times we were protected but others, I guess we just let hormones get the best of us.
No one thinks they'll get pregnant. No one wants to believe that in highschool your newfound body can even hold a child. But here I am. I've researched and researched, taken test after test, and sobbed for days on end. I do not want this baby in any way whatsoever, no mean to offend. But I have a future. I need to have a future. I'm terrible at school, there is no way I'm going to add one more disadvantage to my own pile of difficulties with my classes. On top of that, I find it even hard to think about getting huge. I don't want to adopt out. I don't know what I want to do. I can't kill an innocent life but I might have to do what's right for me at this time. there is no easy way out of this.
Depression has resurfaced. I find myself pouring into hours and hours of writing my often hateful feelings into an old journal I used as a crutch from when I was thirteen. No one knows what's going on with me but myself and I don't know where to turn. Mom? Old therapist? Doctors? How am I supposed to do this? I'm not a slut. I'm not a troubled teen. And I'm not Juno. My biggest fear is of people knowing. I look around and feel as though everyone knows. They're all just waiting. Waiting for me to admit they're right. If I turn to adult I trust, I know without a doubt, word will travel. Either to my grandma or my step-dad. People who I know love me, I feel as though if they know, they'll never love me the same. My family isn't religous so I haven't sinned in their eyes, but I know if they knowl, it will be worse than sinning. It will be as if they were there, watching me do something I terribly regret.
In short, I'm lost. And i'm sorry this took so long or possibly offended anyone. i don't want to be a topic of controversy, i just want someone to help me. guide me.