This is so hard to put out there. I have a friend, well we are more than friends but you can't call it a full on relationship, who is battling depression. We used to live together and then I moved back to my hometown to settle some personal matters. He pretty much shut me out of his life and that was 2 years ago. Sometimes I would hear from him and he would ask to see me and then close me out again. This last December he contacted me and wanted to visit. He did and stayed for two weeks. Then I visited him. He told me about his struggles with depression and I listened and supported him. Now he isn't speaking to me again. It hurts to no end and I can't share much with my friends. I am wondering if I did something wrong but don't ask him. I try to let him know I am there but don't pressure him. I'm trying to tell myself it is nothing I did. Depression is a beast I battled as well. But I don't understand why he reached out to me and then shut me out? Is this something that typically happens?
Lynn,
This isn't unusual, sadly. Sometimes, when we're depressed, we push the people closest to us the farthest away.
Until and unless he lets you help him, there's not much you can do beyond letting him know that you care about him and are there for him.
I doubt that it would hurt to ask if he's ok, and if there's anything you can do. Just remember to take care of yourself along the way.
Good luck,
Teri
Hello Lynn
I agree with Teri
You put yourself out there to be a supportive friend but there is no guarantee that he will respond by not shutting you out. I don't think you should blame yourself.
I know from my own experience...I might share my emotions with someone and then feel as though I have shared too much. Getting close to someone is hard. And sometimes when you are depressed there can be a cycle of retreat because getting close might mean eventual pain. So you retreat before the other person can reject you. Does this make sense? Of course this all may have little to no bearing on why your friend is shutting you out presently.
I guess what I have learned over time is that when you extend a hand to someone...they may take it only to shove it away later. But this is not your fault but...their choice.
Thank you for your question. Hope this helps some.
Lynn,
I suffered with depression and have for many years. It is sometimes so hard to reach out to people. We are in our own world and do not pay attention to much of the outside world. It is still hard for my best friend to understand that they have done nothing wrong. I turn into myself and shut everyone else out. I do not want to bother my friend with my issues. Even if your friend shuts out still try every once in a while. We have good days and bad days and then some really really bad days. The last thing I ever want is to bring someone else down with my depression. So sometimes and it is not good I retreat into myself not to burden people. We do not asked to be depressed and many people think we can just snap out of it. We struggle some days, we dance, and we are able to laugh. We just never know what the new day brings. I hold on to the good days because you never know when a good day will happen.
Janel
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Thank you for the advice. I have given him time and support but have come away just feelling used. The hard part is, he did engage with me. I spent over $500 going on a trip to see him only for him to shut me out. I haven't heard from him in 3 months but have heard he has contacted a friend to apologize for not being in contact and for some of the things he has done.
I have suffered from bouts of depression as well but I didn't ask to live with my friends and then when they were getting tired and running out of money, run to someone else and ignore them. I have found out this seems to be a pattern with him.
I think depression is a factor for this person but they are not getting help and only in a drug trial as a way to have meds.
I really do know that you can't snap out of it. That's what people expected of me and I became resentful because depression is a beast in and of itself and you can't just think yourself happy.
I think I am just putting it out there to someone that I can't offer support anymore because there seems to be an element of manipulating people as well as being depressed. I truly loved this person as a friend and maybe more but I have to walk away now. And I have never done that with a friend. It's hurting me and causing me anxiety to do so. I just backed out of going to a wedding because he will be in the wedding........if he even shows up.
Sorry this is long, I just had to get it out there. I have given all I have to give and feel like all the other people that have tried to help him: tired, used, restless.
I really do hope he gets better.