Hi everyone,
It's my first time here and as I found some of the answers insightful, I thought I'd try to get some advice on my case. I almost don't know where to start off...
I've met somebody I considered extremely close to me, online. At the beginning, he started trying to talk to me, get me interested in me if I can put it like that. It didn't work, I was a little cold, thinking what's got to this guy for him to be after me that much.
Time passed by and I finally gave in as I found him great and 'perhaps' have what I want in a man. He was saying that he was looking for somebody and that he really liked me ect... We lived in two separate but neighbouring countries and it appeared that he lived in my birth country, where my family still lives.
I had expressed, before meeting him, the wish to return to my hometown after having spent several years abroad I thought I needed my family around me and also thought 'there's a great guy that I really like too, over there', so why not give it a shot.
Things went alright at the beginning when I was still abroad, we were texting each other ect, talking almost every evening but after a little while he stopped texting, I thought 'okay he's still away I can't blame him, communication can be expensive as he is also in his final years of studies and well...'
Time after time, he had learn how to be more open with me as I inspired him trust ect, as he said. I was pleased that he felt that way towards me because it meant that I actually did mean something to him. He is apparently not the type to open up to anyone. He confessed that he had depression and that he was getting worse ect, I tried to be as much supportive as I could. I can be very patient with those that I believe deserve it (I say that because I set limits in my life with people in general) and I did believe he needed somebody.
He quite didn't know what was wrong with him, he tried to think it through and told me it was his 10 years of non stop studies that were getting to him, he then said he needed someone by his side, he also mentioned how some people have left him on his own when he needed them the most (particularly exes ect), he also told me about his family problems and that all this was making his life a hell.
Time passed by, I had returned to my mum's home, we kept in touch. He called me every evening/night and text me during the day.
He had always thought I had a stable life compared to his and I explained to him that not everything is jolly dolly for everyone and that he shouldn't take the 'front' I display with happiness as being the truth because I have come a long way and went through a lot and up till now I still am not a happy person. Nevertheless, all these explanations weren't enough and he kept in his mind that I was doing okay ect. He didn't perhaps realise that I was trying to help him cheer up, because I believed I wouldn't help him by just being miserable everytime.
Anyhow, before I had moved, he said he wanted to come and see me as a 'man would do', but he didn't saying he was unable due to his timetable ect and other minor issues. I was alright with it though...
When I went to my hometown, he mentioned wanting to come and see me and even arranged a day (he was supposed to confirm) to come and visit me. He ended not coming at all, saying he felt too lazy, useless, annoyed at himself and not wanting me to see him in that state. Some time passed by and I told him that I didn't like the turn things were taking and that if it's not nice for me to just be there at his disposal while he is unable to make any move, I told him that nicely, I am not a loud-kind of argumentative girl so I'd rather have a person listen to me and take my feelings into consideration that way than having to shout.
He said he's sorry for causing trouble for me and that I was right and that he is the man and he should do something ect. Needless to say, he hasn't made any move towards me.
Funnily enough, I receive one day an email in regards to a job application, the employer wanted to meet me for interview purposes. The company and the job were the sort of job I always wanted, it was a great opportunity for me and they were located where my ('bf') was. It was the perfect timing and the perfect location. I went there the next day (took me 3 hours to get there using the natonal rail (fast one)) I met him there, had my interview ect. He really took care of me the right way, and it wasn't in an unatural way as if he was faking it just to please me, no! He was just great, good to me and such a nice boy to be around.
Took my hand ect, made me feel wanted (you know that feeling) and kissed my forehead and held my hand tight as we departed at the end of the day.
I went home, happy.
Time passed by, I felt his interest level started to lower, he didn't say the nice things he used to before, I'd try to make him feel like he meant a lot to me and was dear (and tbh I think I fell head over heels but tried not to be too much on him like), and as I was trying to show that, he seemed to back off slowly slowly and I came to a point where I didn't know what to do with him anymore, so I tried to act coldish for about 2-3 times and see his reaction. I didn't understand at all, because when I'd do that, he'd be a lot 'warmer' than previously, if that makes any sense.
I am sorry I know it's long but here comes the end.
I got an email yesterday from this employer saying that they have chosen somebody else for the job, I was a little bit down but tried to be okay, I told him the news and mentioned I was a little fed up of things (was about job issues). He said 'I should perhaps disappear from your life, I don't help u in any way, it's like I am making you go backwards' I then told him, I am confused with you, I donno where I stand, I don't know what you want, we don't talk as we used to, anymore, please enlight me on what's going on.
He said (again the same excuses) that he didn't know himself, that he doesn't know what he wants, that he just came outta a 'relationship' that hurt him badly and that he is in no position to take any decision. I asked him bluntly, is he had any interest in me (because I couldn't figure this out anymore), he said he can't say anything at this stage, that things seem to be blurred for him ect... I then told him then he shouldn't have taken my hand to start with and act like everything is fine between us, while it wasn't (I saw it coming that way on top of that). He said 'Do you think I'd have met you, spent the whole day with you, been with you that way if you didn't mean anything to me? Don't get me wrng it's just that things aren't going well for me and I don't wanna hurt you..." ect..
Told him I'd be by his side, no matter what, that I won't let him down all this time (to me he was a man I'd do anything for and that's perhaps the only time I felt that way with a man, because I had bad experiences I saw in him things I didn't see in anyone). But he wouldn't be responsive to any of that (especially after we met).
So here I am, told him I won't annoy him anymore. His very last text was 'be happy (my name))'
I don't know what to do, I think I actually do love him, I am trying to convince myself that I don't but I have been crying at times, straight after trying to get myself together. I am really down. Help...
Hi Paul,
Many thanks for your kind reply.
I am reading the articles on the link you provided, truly useful. Thanks a lot!
He contacted me yesterday, asking why I was avoiding him. I said I didn't wanna do that but felt obliged. He said don't be cruel like life is. I can tell he's become a lot more bitter since. And it's like everytime he wouldn't talk to me, he'd get worse.
Before he was sad, but now it seems to be anger at himself.
You asked if he was doing anything to help himself, unfortunately not. He kept blaming himself on the phone, I told him to look at the bright side of things and that not everything is horrible, I also suggested him something I did a longtime ago, that was to go to someplace he'd like to go to, someday, that I'd go with him, that it'll help him refresh his mind off things. He didn't say yes or no.
HE kept ranting afterwards, told him that won't help, that I wanted him to do things he has to do like 'study for an hour after uni', 'go to the gym', do the stuff he has to do for himself one by one, but gosh, I don't know if I am even doing things right, it's like I am just reminding him he has a problem, while I'd like to make him forget he has issues and just think of other stuff. But I can't seem to be able to even convey anything like this to him.
Was I happy before him? Not really, I have certain issues I am trying to deal with, on my own, I just think things are getting tougher for me since I've come back, beside the fact that I have a roof on top of my head. Employment issues have become major since I left uni, opened businesses, closed one and opened the current one with a business partner. Work on it from home. I am even thinking of returning to where I was if I still don't get anything in here. I need some stability. I'd even be ready to go anywhere things would take me to, I take things as they come and suit my lifestyle. Anyhow...
I told him I can't do anything if he doesn't make a move on his side as well, I am definitely not gonna devote my life to him if he doesn't do anything. I want things to change for him, with or without me, I wish for his wellbeing as for me if life decides of something else, then I won't have much choice I guess than going my separate way. He's good, but life's too deceiving so I am preparing myself for it.
By the way I think I came accross that Depression and Dating article before...