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Friday, October 02, 2009 V, Community Member, asks

Q: Unable to get motivated to even help myself out of this depression

I have suffered depression my whole life.  I go sometimes a week or two feeling somewhat okay then I will have one to two weeks out of every month that I just simply crash.  I struggle to not drink knowing that just adds to the problem.  My insurance won't cover anything mental health related.  I stay at home, yet just doing dishes, doing laundry, looking at mail, playing with my almost 3 yr old or anything simple seems impossible.  I go to the doctor and get your depressed here is a pill.  Last month I was given a month sample of Pristig I was just feeling a little better even though I couldn't sleep....ha ha but then found my insurance would not cover so 4 days later after cold turkey quitting I took a bottle of xanax...I'm normally not even suicidal...I feel very hopeless, and such a disappointment to my family...I don't want to go anywhere do anything or talk to anyone.  I feel guilty all the time and feel there are no answers for me.  How do you get help when your insurance isn't there for you and your doctor seems to just give a pill take a copay and send you home.  Every doctor I go to it is the same thing.  I WANT TO BE A NORMAL USEFUL HUMAN BEING TO THE WORLD, TO MY FAMILY, TO MYSELF.  I want it to not be so hard to bath, fix my hair, put on makeup, or check the dang mail.  I feel Pathetic....Im done rambling thanks for reading. 

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Answers (9)
John Folk-Williams, Health Guide
11/26/09 2:56am

Hi, Virginia -

 

I'm so sorry you're in such a bad way so much of the time. It's good you've written here because any way you can try to connect with people is important. It's taken me forever to push depression into the background, but one of the things that made a big difference over the past two years has been the online community I found when I started blogging. Telling others about what you're going through always gets a generous response.

 

Another thing that's made a big difference has been separating out the different symptoms and trying to work on one at a time. That made depression less overwhelming because I could see that I was more than the depression - it comes and it goes and when it's with me it wants to take me over completely. Its voice, rather than my own, is telling me constantly how dumb, inadequate and hopeless I am. This thing inside me is literally trying to kill me or persuade me to kill myself. I feel ashamed of who I am - and the problem for so long was that I believed that completely. I didn't realize that was another symptom of depression.

 

Just drawing a line between the person I knew I was and this invader really helped. Every day I talk back to that voice and tell it to shut up. I've heard all that before, the same garbage over and over again. The belief that I was no good to anyone and should get of this life altogether was the most important thing I had to change - and by some miracle I was finally able to do that.

 

There are a lot of specific things to work on, and I'll be doing some blog posts to describe what I found most effective.

 

Do check out Merely Me's post on how to get mental health care when you have no insurance. I don't have the link handy, but a search through her blog posts will get you it pretty fast. Medication and therapy are important but there's no magic in them, and no quick fix.

 

Call on me any time - as well as the others here.

 

My very best to you  --

 

John

 

 

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Judy, Community Member
10/ 2/09 12:24pm

Virginia, don't give up hope.  It's really unfortunate that your insurance won't cover mental health care, we should be past the dark ages but, apparently some people just don't get it.  Here is an article by Merely Me that talks about how to get help when you have no insurance.  I'm guessing that you're getting your medications from a general practitioner type doctor rather than a psychiatrist.  While some psychiatrists are like this, too, a lot of GPs just don't know that much about mental health medications and hope that a pill will do the trick.  It isn't often the only thing needed.  I hope you can find a way to get some counseling, too, and a psychiatrist who gives a damn about you - there are good ones out there.  Just tackle one thing at a time.  If you're ever feeling in a crisis, here are some numbers you can call:

 

This site is a good place to come to, there are a lot of caring people here, but we can't prescribe medications or be therapists, so do consider calling one of these numbers if you ever feel suicidal again.  Please let us know how you're doing; many of us have been where you're at and some still are, so know that you're not alone.

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leah, Community Member
10/12/09 7:23am

Hi Virginia, Im feeling the exact way you are.I cannot seem to get the docters to listen to me.My docter had a book she looked in under bipolar depression and post traumatic stress and boom told me zoloft was for me. I could of done that. I told her I tried that before,she just ignored me and sent me home with the pills.Now Im worse than ever and sleep is my life.My husbands mad at me all the time ,my kids think Im just lazy and dont understand.I really feel for you with the medical difficulties,I was on medicare on and off for years.It sucks. Last week I spent hours and hours it seemed on the phone calling the customer insurance to get meds passed thru. Sometimes if you get your dr. to call the insurance you can get something thru. I think its time that we need a new "DRUG" though!

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silverfox46, Community Member
10/14/09 9:07am

i'm  in the same boat can't find a drug to  help me long term .only have a md . seeing a therpist still depressed . desperateneed  help i'm ready to give up .silverfox46

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leah, Community Member
10/16/09 8:10am

Dont give up. I dont know what your suffering with but I just researched cymbalta.I found out it works well with bipolar & ptsdisorder.I was on it over a year ago , but was irresponsible and didnt get back to my dr. for refills.It almost killed me literally! The withdrawels were sooo bad. Worst Ive ever had.Ive been afraid to go back on. But nothing has done what cymbalta did for me. I called it my miracle drug the first week, it did wear off a little and needed to up dosage. I remember my dr. told me he had a patient who just lost job and wife was suicidal,started him on cymbalta within a week he was ok. So I think if the withdrawels were so bad maybe thats a sign of the drugs strength,also it helps physical pain such as fibromyalgia {i have}.This time I will be responsible with it though. Good Luck, day by day,Leah

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MACEYMOM, Community Member
12/ 2/09 11:45am

Hi silverfox46,

How are you doing?  I keep reading everyones post and try to get comfort for myself out of them but the depression just strangles me. I am going to the doctor next week to see if he can change my antidepressants but I have felt like this for a month now.

I want to give up but am to chicken too. 

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Kitten, Community Member
12/ 2/09 9:14pm

Maceymom,  Hi.  You're right about reading everyone else's posts..."I felt bad because I had no shoes...until I met a man with no feet".  Knowing each of us are individuals, but we are not alone in depression does help.  Lack of connection with other people... isolation...can make everything seem insurmountable, strangling.  I've never known if anti-depressants do anything, but a very close friend tells me that they "take the edge off" so that she doesn't want to run her car into a brick wall or off a mountain.  I call her every day now and we talk...  She has two sons who she is totally responsible for while her husband is in Afghanistan on our nation's behalf.  Can you see why she is depressed?  There are so many people out there...so please don't give up.  You are a viable human being, and you deserve happiness and contentment.  You deserve to see the sun rise tomorrow.  Kitten

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Kitten, Community Member
12/ 2/09 9:04pm

Silverfox46, Please don't give up.  I know times are hard.  They are for a vast majority of us out here.  I have friends who they and their families have lost homes, lost businesses, and I myself have lost jobs due to cutbacks and downsizing.  Most of us in this world are struggling on some front or another.  I'm no preacher nor a therapist, but I am a 60-year old woman who struggles to even go to the mailbox...because I know that I can't afford to pay the bills.  I have no money for a doctor, but a man on this website gave me a lead on how to get help through the VA.  And I have called them.  Please see that patience, persistence, a belief in GOD and yourself is going to see you through these hard times.  There are people out there who are much worse off than others, and we all have to try to help each other.  You are not alone in this!  I will be praying for you, myself, and others.  Please do talk with us.  Kitten

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terry, Community Member
4/ 4/10 7:23pm

I have had this for years,I used alcohol and finished up in a terrible state.I have been on Zispin Soltab which were great at first but now I feel sad and de motivated with my guts constanlt twisting.I have never considered suicide but I feel as though I have had enough of it!

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sadeyes, Community Member
11/ 6/09 2:13pm

Your not alone..I have been treating this all my life..i am bipolar i have been on so many medications its not even funny..i have tried everything-nothing works.don't get me wrong i did find something work after 2 years..it was WELLBUTRIN, LAMICTAL, PROZAC, ZYPREXA..they were working for a couple of months then i noticed it just stopped. so now i am back 2 square one. I use 2 take xanax but after a while i started to get addicited to them..then i had 2 go 2 rehab for xanax while it was my doctor who got me hooked on them...see that is the thing i have learned over the years..Doctors can only do so much..they are also the reason why so many people get hooked on these drugs..in all reality to get through this depression and cycles is yourself..it took me years 2 realize that..no medication will completley cure you..just temporialy..i know it sucks..i am having one of my moments just bursted out crying. feeling pathtic of myself..like i had let everyone down..that maybe my son will be better off with out me.-Which i have attempted to committ sucide-but i did get help for that..and that is not the ANSWEAR...i know what your going through so does everyone else who posted this..after i cried for about an hour i realize that it can be worse..i could be living in Iraq or some other horrible country that i have to fight to stay alive..I mean really fight to stay alive. yeah it is a daily struggle evry moring 2 get up and do something but i have the choice to do what i want..not a lot people have that.

i am a single mom..my son's father and i broke up about 3 months ago because of me. he couldn't fully understand what i am going through..his motto was like GET UP AND GET OVER IT..but its was not that simple..plus other reason of my extreme mood swings ,behavior, just a bunch of shit i did. which at the time i wasn't getting the proper help and taking all this different types of medication to help me-which the long run some of them made me worse..i lost my job lucky i was just approve for disability but the insurance sucks.

i have gone 2 group therapy, seeing a therapist, a shrink for meds one thing i learned.

IT UP 2 YOU.. i refuse to take anything now..i haven't taken any medication for 2 months now. its so fucking hard 2 do anything..and i get so fustrated...but i force myself to do something..like i make a stupid list it can be 10 things on it..but if i can accomplish one thing i am happy.. at least i did something..and now i live for the day..i don't worry about tomorrow because it will just stress me out even more. so i take it day by day..house work forget..it will be a miracle if my house is spotless..but i will get up and clean the bathroon and kitchen and do a load of laundry that we need. as long as that is done i am happy the rest will get done when it happens.

I look at my son and see he loves me no matter what..i have 2 force myself 2 do fun things with him.but when i do i get so happy in seeing him being happy at that moment..that feeling is the best then i happy that i forced myself.

although i am sad about what had happen between his father and i..i try not 2 beat myself up about it..its done.. no matter what you can not change the past..the best thing that came out of our relationship was our handsome 7 yr old son..yes it gets lonely but then i would think about our fights and thank god i don't have 2 hear his bull shit all the time..now i have a choice..if he starts all i have 2 do is hang up and not pick up the phone..instead of feeding into the bullshit.

Bottom line there is help..go to the community center or the state center they have programs for you 2 get help..

just don't give up..nothing is going to cure depression over night..it takes time..a whole lot of time..

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depressionfreak, Community Member
12/14/09 3:01pm

OMG, are you me?  I've been severely depressed with severe anxiety for 10 yrs. now, the past 6 was when the anxiety came along.  I can not work or be around people.  My 18 yr old son left my house because of it all...and men, forget those i gave them up 5 yrs ago.  My 23 yr old son is there for me but it's not fair that he has to see me like this, and my 14 yr old daughter feels I don't love her, i know, because I can't do anythin with/for her (school activities and such).  Crying and wanting to die that's what I'm good at, a pro now, that's for sure.  I gave up on God cuz I don't know how he could let any human go thru this and now just look at him as any other man that left me.  Am trying to get SSI and have been denied and going thru the appeal process....any ideas on how/what to do to get that approved?  Afraid I'm going to kill myself and f*** up my kids and grandsons life by doing so, but that's just where i am.   Any thoughts would be appreciated

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slrchosen1, Community Member
11/17/09 3:27pm

I feel you!! Right now I am home in the bed. Did not even attend class today. It was so hard. By the way i am a college student. That sucks that you do not have any insurance. You should be able to get on disability for depression so it could be covered. I've been going through depression my whole life as well. And everytime I transition it gets worse because I do not adore change. At least this website is great because we can support and uplift each other by telling our stories.

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elizabeth, Community Member
11/30/09 4:17pm

I know exactly how you feel.  I have dealt with the same thing for years.  You are not useless, the depression makes you feel that way.  People shy away from you right at the time when you need them the most and that doesn't make them bad they just don't know how to deal with it but keep trying until you find someone that is strong enough emotionally to talk to you.  I understand how difficult it is.  I am taking medication right now and it takes a while for it to kick in properly but do what you have to do.  Take baby steps if you have to,  try to rid yourself of negative thoughts.  I know it's hard to concentrate right now but if it takes you two hours wash one dish at a time until your done and never go off of Xanax or any other medication cold turkey that contributes to your feeling bad and can be dangerous.  I hope that you feel better soon.

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Kitten, Community Member
11/30/09 10:10pm

Dearest Depressed Young Lady,  please know that things will get better.  You have been blessed with a child who loves you.  I deal with depression every day and don't have money for a copay or even the pills.  I just have cats I can pet who look to me for comfort and love.  GOD plays a big part in my life, but I'm not here to preach.  I've been and am where you are now.  I gave birth to a beautiful little girl (no husband in the picture), and I struggled...the mailbox seemed only full of bills, my job didn't appreciate me, and I did a lot of crying.  One night I made a horrible mistake and tried to take my life.  But my little girl saved my life...because, as I saw her sleeping, I realized that she was my reason for living.  It was her that I was on this planet for.  I took each moment in time as one "baby step" and lived to raise her.  You, too, can live though and with depression.  Try to look for the pretty things in life...the beauty.  I wish I had the money to help you because times are very bad for everyone.  I will include you in my prayers, and I know things will get better.  Don't worry about your "family"...you can choose your friends, but not your relatives.  You are good person and deserve better things in life.  Please hang in there.  I did and it is worth living.  Kitten

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MACEYMOM, Community Member
12/ 2/09 11:40am

Kitten,

I believe in God and I keep praying that he will get me out of this funk but I still can't find a reason for living. I am married but only have a dog and my husband comforts me but then I drag him down because I unload on him.  I have tried to get my life back together with getting control of my diabetes and I am going to see if my other doctor can change my antidepressants but its been over a month and the depression wins every time.  I have a job but this depression just makes you feel like you exist not really live.  I have many blessings a husband, a home, a job but the depression just takes everything away. If I wasn't such a chicken I would take my life because nobody really cares. 

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tex, Community Member
2/24/10 3:47pm

I wish I could say words of encouragement, but I do need to let you know that it helps talking to people; I have been depressed most of my life and I'm 56 years old.  When I was younger, no one really knew much about depressioon and now that people do, it helps to be informed.  Try getting counseling on a sliding scale fee, if possible;  please don't drink as it only adds to the depression.  Is your husband supportive of you?  Have him exercise with you if at all possible.  Exercise does help as much as therapy and medicine.  Above all, don't give up.  After being on so many different anti-depressants, I finally found one that workss for me!  You will too.  Hang in there.  I care!

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lost515, Community Member
2/27/10 8:25pm

I am sorry you had such a negative experience. There are medications that you can get for $4.oo for a 30 suppy...10 dollars for 3 months, from Wallmart you can get a list on-line or from the pharmacey. There are some very effective medications on these lists...There also should be a community mental health center in your community that will see you on a sliding scale. I used to volunteer my services one eve a week at a local hospital for people who needed mental health care and had limited resources,

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sadder then sad, Community Member
11/ 3/10 5:50pm

I hear yah! I cant get out of bed today. I'm going to take a pill. when that wears off I will take another. It stinks.. This is how my like has been for years. I have chased all my friends away. i am all alone in a crowded room

 

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By V, Community Member— Last Modified: 03/31/14, First Published: 10/02/09