Friday, November 20, 2009 Confused44 asks

Q: Partner is numb and left me, what should I do?

Hi there

I know this is a difficult one to answer but I am interested in any help anyone can give me on any similar situations etc. My partner was suffering with depression when I met her, this seemed to disappear for a while and within the last few months has started to return. We have been together for 8yrs. She has now said she has no relationship feelings for me, she loves me but is not in love with me and does not feel the same. She says that she has been feeling that way for 3yrs but hasn't been able to tell me. We had always been able to talk about everything but obviously not this. She feels I was rejecting her with the intimacy, and I admit I probably got carried away with the day to day life but I never thought it would come to this, never realised she would doubt my love. She has now talked it all through with me (why couldn't she do it before???) and since she has told me, she wants to go out all the time with her new friends (she has got to know over last couple of months) and has now moved out and thinks she might want to start a new relationship 2 months after telling me. She has just started counselling (this week) and has refused medication. She has told me she wants to talk to me about her counselling after every session. She says she is not sure she has made the right decision and just feels numb to everything, all our animals, everything. I love her so much, didn't see she was feeling so bad and just want to show her how much I love her still. Is this running away to a new life, new person normal? Is she likely to realise all her feelings for everything have gone and that she can start to feel again for me aswell and it is the depression talking and making everything seem so black for so long? Will she realise she is numb to everything and not just me and that maybe it is all related to her illness? Or am I conning myself? Please help, I love her so

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Answers (5)

Jerry Kennard, Health Pro

11/20/09 10:38am

Hi,

No wonder you're confused. Having read you posting my heart goes out to you. I may have misjudged the tone or meaning of your message but it seems to me, as harsh as it may sound, that you are being manipulated. It's quite possible your partner (ex-partner now?) doesn't even realise this is happening but my understanding is she has withdrawn from you physically but wants to keep you on board to meet her emotional needs. I don't dispute for a moment that she has needs and feels emotionally upset but this is mainly one-way traffic, and so far as I can tell, you are the one being hurt.

It's not for anyone here to tell you what to do, but where do you see this going? Are you holding on in the hope she will return to you. How do you feel about the prospect of this new relationship in the offing? Questions, questions. Logic and emotion don't sit happily together, but for your own wellbeing I wonder if your head should rule your heart? I hope you are both able to resolve the situation so that you can both move on.

Best Wishes

Confused44

11/23/09 11:00am

Thank you so much for your reply. She has started counselling which will hopefully help but has become more numb. She has now missed work a number of times this week, not left her bed and has distanced herself from the friends (and the relationship person) she said she wanted and says she just feels numb to everything. She says she knows this is wrong but she just doesn't feel anything. In response to your question, yes I do want the relationship back and feel that now she has started to talk it could be ok when she starts to feel better but I guess only the future will tell.

Judy

11/20/09 2:08pm

Hello, Confused. I feel for you - the numbness is sometimes more cruel than sadness and it can totally make you feel like you don't care about anything. It's curious, though, that she feels enough enjoyment with these new friends to want to spend time with them, rather than you.

If you want to try to save the relationship, maybe you could try writing her a letter, similar to what you've written here and see what happens. I wonder why she's refusing medication. I wish you the best, hope things work out so you can either get back together or move on.

Confused44

11/23/09 11:02am

Thank you. The numbness is cruel and seems to have got worse. She is not spending time with these people now that she said she wanted to, she is just shutting herself away. She has said that she knows her numbness is wrong but that's all she feels. I have tried writing her letters to show I still care, but I'm not sure if it will make things worse!?!?

John Folk-Williams, Health Guide

11/20/09 2:22pm

Hello, Confused -

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a crisis I've experienced not from your perspective by from your partner's. I believe it is not at all unusual for a seriously depressed person to imagine that breaking away will be the answer - or at least a partial one. I spent many years in that state of emotional numbness but never thought at that time that it was part of depression. To me, the relationship was the problem, and I couldn't think about much except how to find a new partner and a new life that would restore the love and intimacy I wanted back.

Your partner seems to have been depressed for a long time, and it is a good thing that she is in counseling - and also sharing her reactions with you. I agree with Jerry that her behavior is a form of manipulation but perhaps not a conscious one. Depressed people are completely wrapped up in themselves. The key to change, though, is not in your hands but hers. She is the one who has to see the extent of the effects of depression and make the decision to take charge of her own recovery. I think the best thing you can do is be completely truthful with her about the effect on you of her behavior. You need to take care of yourself - possibly with counseling of your own.

As Jerry says, you have to do what's right for you - and telling your partner is important. Whether or not she can hear what you're saying is another matter, but that's her issue. I wish I could offer more, but she's the one who has to change.

John

Confused44

11/23/09 11:09am

Thank you John, it is great to hear ot from somebody who has been through similar from her perspective. The numbness seems to have got worse, 3 seperate days this week she has missed work, unable to get out of bed. She said she knows it is wrong but she feels nothing. She is not seeing these friends and seems to have completely withdrawn. She still seems to want to talk to me about the counselling and see me sometimes but it is all very difficult because all I want to say is I love you but feel this will just make it worse!!

She is completely wrapped up in herself and this is sometimes hard when we have joint responsibilities even though she doesn't live here now. It's hard as I don't want to be the nag that forces her to take her responsibilities, I don't want to be just that to her.

I'm hoping she might realise it isn't the relationship that is the problem as I really believe it isn't through all her actions but I'm not sure there is any way to make her see this. It is so hard, I hope, but I can't make her see :0(

geniva

11/21/09 11:45am

i think its just her illness she needs to get on some meds so she can start to feel again i am in the same boat but its not my partner its me and i feel like he doesnt love me anymore because of my illness if she is going to counseling and refuses meds she acts like she doesnt want the help

Confused44

11/23/09 11:12am

Thank you so much, I hope you are right as I love her so. She has just started counselling, do you think it may be something that the counsellor will discuss with her more? She refused the meds from the docs and just wanted counselling for now. She says she doesn't want to take meds as she doesn't want to rely on them (she does have an addictive personality) and would like to just try the counselling first.

Judy

11/23/09 12:11pm

Hi again, Confused. I just wanted to say that antidepressants are NOT addictive. If her doctor knows her concerns about this, he should have told her. Some people need to take them all of their lives in order to avoid bad depressive episodes - I'm one of them - and I suppose you could say I'm dependent on them, but that's not the same as being addicted. If I skip a dose by accident, it doesn't seem to matter much.

If I were you, I'd call her therapist and tell him/her about this latest turn in behavior, as she may not be forthcoming about the whole truth of what's going on. Maybe if the therapist knows how numb she is, he/she might be more strong in recommending medication. You could even tell your wife that you are going to talk to her therapist, since she discusses her therapy with you, anyway. Or maybe you could go to a session with her.

If she keeps insisting on not trying medication, you'll have to decide if that's a deal breaker or not; it might be for me. You can't carry your relationship by yourself, as much as you wish you could. I do wish you the best and hope you will take care of yourself.

pacingtiger

1/28/10 6:23pm

Hi. I feel for you sir. I am a male. I have had similar feelings as your partner for my 1st wife and for my present wife. Bottom line for me is that I wasn't in love with either and compromised because I felt what I really wanted and needed in a relationship would never come along. When I married the first it was due to inexperience, not knowing myself. The second I was in the middle of a full blow depressive episode. Yea, crazy, but true. The only thing stopping me from leaving right now is I know I hurt my 1st and want to hurt another as well as not having the strength to go through another divorce. I stay depressed and nothing helps me. There are a lot of questions regarding your situation. How old she was when you two entered your relationship, her diagnosis and her real feelings towards you when you met and numerous others. If depression is fueling this situation ot may improve in time, maybe. She may well need some type of meds. It works for a small percentage. Few patients are symptom free even on meds. I know I haven't said much to help. Sorry, but I'm in the same situation except it's me.

Q: Partner is numb and left me, what should I do?

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