Hi, there.  You sound very lonely and trapped and that doesn't do much to help depression.  Could you try calling your county mental health dept. or clinic and tell them what you need?  Do you have some kids that are too young to be in school?  I'm sure they could help you find the resources you need, like someone to watch your kids.

I'm pretty sure that the slapping felt good because it distracted you from your emotional pain.  But you know it's not right and I'm glad you're recognizing that you need to get help.  Do you belong to a church or some other organization?  Perhaps someone would be willing to stay with your kids for an hour or so; you don't even have to tell anyone it's for counseling, you can just say you have a number of doctor appointments.

I hope you will call your county, at least, and see what can be done to help you.  And please write again and let us know how you're doing.  I wish you all the best.