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Friday, February 05, 2010 Kira_May, Community Member, asks

Q: Help, I can't go back to school?

Hello. I am an 18 year old senior in HS and I haven't been to school in a little over a month. I've always had "school refusal" issues (despite the fact that I know I need to go, I can't help not wanting to, or not being able to. I know, in part, it's because I just don't want to leave my house or be around people, even my friends. I don't feel comfortable "outside"). I don't know more than that, though. Anyways, this year has been particularly bad for me. My depression/anxiety levels have gone through the roof, as have, unfortunately, my tendency to not go to school. I want to go back, I have to go back, but I can't. I tried going a few days ago and I nearly passed out in the train station. Mine and my mother's relationship is strained because of my refusal (or inability?) to go to school. She knows something is wrong, knows I get depressed/anxious (I know she doesn't understand what depression/anxiety really is, though, because I've never told her the extent of everything (and chances are I wont ever), and she's the type of woman who thinks that feeling depressed/anxious is no excuse for missing school), but that's about it. I always end up getting mad at her because all she cares about is me going to school. I'm not an idiot-- I know why that's so important to her. But I hate that she doesn't go further than that. If I could realize something's wrong with me and look up what could be the problem (in books, online, from people, etc...), why can't she? Our arguing (and her hurtful/truthful words) are making me even more depressed. It's to the point that the things I love to do, like writing and drawing and painting and self-studying [Japanese/Literature/Computer Art/HTML/etc...], are nothing more than chores. Waking up is a chore, talking is a chore, breathing is a chore... I'm always either completely numb or completely down or completely angry or completely tired, and I truly don't know what to do anymore. 

 

I've gone to clinic after clinic the past few weeks to get help (my last ray of hope), and each place I've visited (that takes my insurance) has a waiting period of 3-6 weeks. I even told two places that I've been having suicidal urges and thoughts lately to the point that I'm scaring myself because my self-control, that little voice in the back of my head that's telling me suicide isn't the way and I actually want to live, is dwindling, and even those two places said they couldn't squeeze me in (of course, they instructed me to call 911 if I hurt myself or start planning something seriously...  but isn't just thinking about it or having urges to bad enough? Maybe not. Maybe they get so many pre-suicidal teens that they think it's nothing, or can't take care of us all. 

 

... that's bitterness speaking. Sorry. 

 

In any case... what am I supposed to do? Particularly about the school thing, but if you address anything else I'd be beyond appreciative. I honest-to-god can't go back there (and I only have half a year to go!). When I think of my teacher's faces-- their disappointment-- and the looks and questions I'll get from my friends... I honestly feel like I'd rather slit my wrists. I can't take disappointment. I can't. I feel like I'm going to die. And they will be disappointed. They always are, always going about how they expected better of me and how a girl "so smart" could miss so much school or be so lazy. I already talked to my school councilor twice because of depression and horrible attendance. I can't do it again, use it as another excuse. And part of me feels like it is my excuse. But it's real, it really is, and it hurts-- and I know people wont get it. I don't want them to, to be honest, but I don't want them not to, either.

 

I'm probably not making an ounce of sense right now. 

 

I just... I just really need help. 

 

~May

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Answers (27)
Merely Me, Health Guide
2/ 5/10 10:03pm

Hi Kira_May

 

You are making sense and...I think I do understand a bit of what you may be going through.  I am not a therapist but you are talking about having many symptoms of depression.  And it seems that you are experiencing anxiety as well?  Did something trigger the not going to school?  Was there any particular incident?  It is clear from what you are writing that...you are not lazy...you are not using this as an excuse...you are just feeling very nervous about going back.  And the more you don't go...the more huge it seems to go back...is this accurate?

 

I think you are making tremendous effort...you contacted your school counselor...you are trying to get help from mental health clinics.  I think you should wait on one of those appointments.  Don't give up.  If you need to talk to someone sooner...I can provide some hotline numbers for you.  You just let me know.  It is a crime that it takes so long to get mental health services. 

 

I am thinking that...this has become a bit of a phobia for you?  Does it help to know that you are almost done with school.  You don't have many months to go.  And I think that people you know will not be so dissappointed as you imagine.  But the more you don't go...the more you will build up the anxiety.  I think if you could go back for even part of a day...and just see...that it won't be as bad as you imagine...you can overcome this. 

 

I had school phobia in middle school.  So I can relate to what you may be feeling. 

 

Please keep writing to let us know how you are doing okay?

Reply
Kira_May, Community Member
2/ 5/10 10:46pm

That's exactly it. It starts off as something little-- I miss one day because I'm feeling so tired and I just don't want to go-- and then it builds and builds until I'm missing so much school and I can't go because of the anxiety. It usually starts with the depression and then because I don't do anything about it/make it worse by letting myself drown...it turns into anxiety. And I hate that I feel so anxious/scared all the time and it makes me more depressed, and I continue to fall further and further into depression so I get more anxious... it's this huge cycle that goes back and forth and I have no idea how to stop it.

 

Trigger not going to school? I don't know. I've always hated going to school because, like I said, I don't feel comfortable outside of my house or around people. But as soon as I start getting depressed... school is the first place I run from. It's not that school is hard or I don't have friends-- it's really just me. I think it also has a lot to do with me being anxious about my future. I think some part of me is trying to avoid graduating. I want to graduate more than anything, but I'm scared to. I used to have all these goals for my future-- I wanted to go to college, I wanted to study writing and psychology and art and languages-- but I have nothing now. My future seems hopeless. All I can ever think now is "I can't" or "I'll never be able to" or "It's impossible"... and telling myself otherwise seems a complete lie. I've tried taking it "one day at a time" but that doesn't help because every little thing I do-- every mistake I make, particularly-- will definitely influence my future, no matter what. I start thinking, "If I can't do this right now (or very soon), then I'll never be able to do this at all". And I've tried to stop thinking this way, but I can't. It's stuck in my brain and anything else is just untrue. Going to school... I move forward. Even if it's slowly, I'm still moving. Not going... I become stuck. When I start feeling depressed and anxious... I need to slow down or stop or I feel like I'll drown. I think that's part of it, too.

I've been evaluating myself so much lately and all that's come of it are questions, and facts, and possibilities-- but no answers.

 

Lately I've tried to tell myself, "suck it up and go back". To just leave your house, don't look back, and go. Once I'm there... it's likely that I'll stay there for at least a little while. Most likely by the time they find someone for me. But walking into that building.. yes, I can honestly say that I think it has become a phobia at this point. The last time I tried going (a few days ago) I had an anxiety attack just as I got on the train. Even thinking about stepping foot inside the school frightens the hell out of me. I get really cold and start shivering and then it starts to feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes my heart starts pounding so fast I'm afraid it's going to burst. It's like I just freeze and suddenly I can't even move my body. Frankly, I don't think I'm going to be able to go unless someone has me at gunpoint. ATM, I'll probably pay someone to do exactly that. God, they've probably kicked me out already.

 

I still have to wait 2-3 weeks for one of the clinics to call me. That's basically an entire month of now school. I can't wait that long, I really can't. Each day that goes by gets worse and worse. God, what am I going to do.
...
In any case, thanks for the support. It means a lot to know that some people actually care. I'll hang in there. It's the weekend, at least, so I don't have to worry about my Mom for another 2 days. I can also set up an appointment with my Doctor.

 

Thanks,

 

May.

 

Reply
NightRaven, Community Member
2/ 5/10 2:29pm

Oh May, I'm so sorry that your mother doesn't understand. Have you tried going to a doctor?

Reply
Kira_May, Community Member
2/ 5/10 2:42pm

A doctor as in a physician? Then no, I haven't. I figured they would just refer me to a Mental Health Clinic, and as I've already been to quite a few and they've all basically told me I have to wait weeks-to-months to see someone, I never gave it a chance.

 

But maybe... that would work? Maybe the doctor would be able to refer me to someone he knew, or a place that would be of actual help to me. 

 

I'll go to my regular DR and see what he has to say. Hopefully it wont be another disappointment. 

 

Thanks, NightRaven. I really hope something will come from that. 

Reply
Judy, Community Member
2/ 5/10 3:51pm

I'm glad you're going to see your doctor, you might be able to get on an antidepressant, at least, which could help until you can get in to see a psychologist.  I totally understand the feelings of being a disappointment to people.  I've had depression on and off since I was a kid and constantly got told how I wasn't working up to my potential or was lazy and I've never been able to get rid of that internal voice.  Even during my working years, no matter how hard I worked, it never felt like enough.

 

I hope you'll write again and let us know how you're doing.  There are a lot of good listeners on this site.  Hope you are soon feeling better.

Reply
Kira_May, Community Member
2/ 5/10 11:05pm

<p>I really, really, really hate medication. They always have side-effects. I also fear that I'll gain weight. When I'm depressed or anxious I tend to overeat and frankly, I think gaining any more weight at this point will only make me feel worse.&nbsp;</p><p><br></p><p>However... I'm desperate enough now to try it. If it will help... at least until I can see someone...&nbsp;</p><p><br></p><p>I truly cannot take disappointment. I was doing really bad my first term back and one of my teachers (my Science teacher) told me, "I'm really disappointed in you, May. I can see you're a smart girl but you obviously aren't putting any effort into school". My adviser even told me, a few months back, that he'd heard such great things about me from my last adviser and I'm not living up to it. He didn't think, when looking at me and hearing what other people have said about me, that I was "that kind of student". I hear it from everyone. Teachers giving me disappointed looks, my Mom telling me how much I'm failing myself, my siblings joking that I'm going to &nbsp;end up working as a waitress or a janitor, telling me stories of other people who were lazy just like me and ended up poor or homeless... </p><p><br></p><p>Oh god. &nbsp;</p><p><br></p><p>I carry guilt with me <i>every damn second of every damn day. </i>My regrets <i>haunt </i>me. I hate myself sometime so much that I just want to hurt myself. That I just want to <i>die.&nbsp;</i>In those instants, when my regrets and guilts come stabbing at me from every direction, death looks so <i>appealing. </i>It's a much better alternative than screwing up the rest of my life, always having people say those things to me, always feeling so worthless and miserable...&nbsp;</p><p><br></p><p>And then I think of other people out there... people who are starving, people who are being abused, people who are homeless... people who would kill to have the life and&nbsp;opportunities&nbsp;I have... and I feel worse. On top of everything else, I start to feel like I've taken every breath of my life for granted. I feel like I'm just whining. And I probably am. &nbsp;I most likely am.&nbsp;</p><p><br></p><p>Let me stop talking.&nbsp;</p><p><br></p><p>Thanks a lot for the support. I'm hoping the trip to my DR. turns out well, too.&nbsp;</p><p><br></p><p>~May</p><p><br></p><p><br></p>

Reply
Judy, Community Member
2/ 5/10 11:12pm

May, you won't feel this bad forever, especially if you get help while you're still this young.  I didn't get help until I was much older and then you really have a lot of stuff to un-do.  Be sure to tell your doctor that you're concerned about weight gain because some meds are better than others for that.  It's not your fault that you're depressed; it's too bad that you can't tell some of these people that you are because then they'd maybe give you some space.  But you don't have to internalize what they say to you, they're probably just concerned and are wondering what's happened.  There are usually good reasons when someone isn't working up to capacity and you're doing the best you can.  That's all any of us can do.  So, do hang in there and let us know how your dr. appt. goes, okay?  Take care.

Reply
budgeymcfarland, Community Member
8/ 2/14 1:50am

hey may i'm a little young to complain or talk about this but i understand every bit of what your saying when i saw this i felt like i wasn't the only one and i'd like to talk about my situation maybe it'll help i think it might help me too,anyway for as long as i remember i've felt like you about school and i think it goes deeper than just going to school continuesly,i think this because a couple years ago i went to school and everyday i cried continuesly and it didn't ever stop in fact i finished the school year and i thought maybe it would get less unbearable the longer i went to school so that entie year my mom forced me to go everyday and i made it through the year as i said before i expected it to get better from there on out but the next year i started breaking down in every class and putting my face down continuesly to avoid people knowing i was crying and that year it came to the point that i gathered enough strength to tell my brother i wanted to kill myself and i believed it had to do with school so he told my mom which i believe was for the best and the next day she talked about how much she loved me and how she'd never want me die and then she sent me to school and got a therapist for me to talk to and i'm sure she was a great therapist but it seemed she expected me to open up instantly since i was a kid that didn't workout so further into the year i came into school pretty much prepared to take on the day but as soon as i got around the corner into the hall i ran to the bathroom and cryed for 10-20 minutes and i went to the school councilor and said how i was feeling and as soon as he said you gotta be strong and go to your class i started to break down and hyperventilate and i couldn't stop so he went to call my mom and i started talking to her and she heard me and said do you want me to take you to the ER and i said i probably should,so we went to the ER in the middle of the school day because we stopped at arby's to get some food that calmed me down i remember getting the smokehouse swiss brisket it was very good and then we went to the ER and i addressed my suicidal thought's the ER phsychiatrist knew everything i was saying was completely true and i think she said to my mother that she had to get me away from whatever was causing me distress and later on i decided i should just stop crying and wait until i was ready to commit suicide and i think she maybe noticed or was planning to take me out of school to homeschool and i advanced in grade in homeschooling and i recieved my corriculum  about half way through the year i was okay at first but eventually pressure built up on me that if i didn't finish this my mom would make me go back to school and i got pressured because i had around half a school year to complete a corriculum i was completely new to, so every time i tryed to do my work i thought of all that pressure, i'd start to break down and i barely got any work done so here i am with a quarter of it done to put in the portfolio and she think's i should go back to school and i have no choice whether i should or shouldn't go in fact i never did now she say's it's what's best for me and i said i wanted to try homeschooling the next year because i'd be in a different house and since we're moving to a smaller house all our computer's will be in the same room so it would be very hard for me to procrastinate and i promised i would go next year this would reassure my conscious i staying for a year maybe i'm denying what's true maybe it would be better to go back to public school idon't have a say in it either way it'll be a new school district but i doubt it will make me feel any better i don't have a choice in the matter anyway which depresses me immensley and don't know if i can keep telling myself it'll be fine this year i've already tryed hurting myself today but every time i think of killing myself i think of my mom and my little sisters faces before i try and it's the only thing keeping me from it at this point i feel as if i'm trapped in a cage and i have no choice but to end it all or stick around as long as i can before slitting my wrist's in any case there's only a month before i start going to public school and i asked my mom if in any case of me having suicidal thoughts she would take me out like this year she said no all she say's she'll do is get me a therapist and maybe get me a iep but she say's she's goint to make me go for the rest of my school life and this thought terrifies me and depresses me and all i can think about is me waking up as i do every school morning crying hilariously and being forced to do what causes me such pain for years and years to come and i can't handle it i start breaking down randomly all the time several times a day and i haven't even started going yet to be honest i don't know what to do i have no choice but to face year's of depression or end my suffering here and now to save myself the pain but i keep thinking of what my mom will feel like if i do end my life and it makes me feel two times worse about myself and i see my 8 year old sister finding my cold dead corpse lying on the ground that kind of thing could ruin her life and she might end her's too and i don't wan't my mom thinking it was her fault i killed myself because she did the right thing a parent should do and sent me to school when i didn't want to go but i feel like it will come to the point where i can't handle going and there faces fade away in my mind and kill myself and maybe end up a ghost or go to heaven or hell and have to constantly watch them go through pain i caused them by ending my own i don't know what to do i don't know what i could possibly do to stop what i'm feeling, at any rate i need help i haven't told her how i feel and i don't want her upset but i have no where else to turn please tell me what you think i should do i'm gonna copy this and put it in a folder and ask her if she can get me to a therapist as soon as possible and i'll show this to the therapist and ask them what i should do.Please reply and tell me what you think thank you i'm only twelve so maybe it's just cause i'm young but give me any feed back you can, Thank you :)

Reply
luvmypets, Community Member
2/ 5/10 10:55pm

my sz emerged in high school. not that i think you have that. my sz emerged as cigarette smoking as my crutch. don't start. i had an image of myself as cut and dry goody goody. i was a good girl with a bad girl problem. i couldn't sleep at night so i learned how to close down a restaurant and go to high school at the same time.People talked about me in public for real because i was working a poor girls job. i was 19 graduating high school. i felt graduating would allow me to start new in a new place at college. when is said place i meant dorm though. before i went to college i thought the whole town had a bad impression of me. i thought the city was like a rumor mill. i thought i could start over and people would think they had a completely different person. i was right. until my parents told me the whole family was moving. i didn't want to drive that far to school. so i didn't go back to college. the restaurant training helped me to keep on having my lifestyle though. it sounds like your afraid to go out in public though. it sounds like you have a panic/anxiety order. people who are constant worriers have meds they can take for constant worry. It is called Buspar. That might give you something to ask when you go to the doctor. have three questions on a card when you go in. The neighbor across my street was a nurse. she thought i was a binge drinker. She saw me coming home from work after closing the restaurant. she assumed I was out partying. she told me i should ask for tranxene. it is for binge drinking. I wasn't a binge drinker. but i asked my doctor for it anyway. I got it. I used it as a crutch for public paranoia. It wasn't prescribed again for me though. I take risperdal. i felt everyone had a bad girl image of me and i thought it was for no reason in particular. they talked about me for real because i had a poor girls job. i thought i hadn't done anything to desserve that. A pyschiatrist is trained to call that paranoia. so i take risperdal. Something else i've used for insomnia produced a social-like affect. i felt social towards my family after taking ambien. i even washed the dishes happy after taking ambien. It wasn't prescribed for me ever again. also something i took at night only, no driving, was temazepam, a tranquilizer. but maybe these things aren't prescribed for you yet because you are still too young to take them. Is that alright. Can you wait until next year when you are 19. Maybe they can't prescribe them because you are too young.

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luvmypets, Community Member
2/ 5/10 11:34pm

it would help to go ahead and get a diagnoses as soon as possible before you are nineteen. At nineteen then it is hard to get health insurance from your parents unless you are full time student. when students get sick they take the semester off. then they won't have insurance while they are sick because they aren't in school. The doctor could backdate your illness if you could tell them how long you've had it.

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lilrobez19, Community Member
3/11/10 1:22pm

I'm 15 and am in the same situation.  Its a school day during school hours as we speak and I'm feeling anxious and googled it...this thread came up.  I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, and have always been depressed with serious anxiety.  I go to a psychiatrist, but i never really tell her everything, i sort of just say im doing fine to get it over with.  I miss school all the time and it started with being tired, and then my teachers were disappointed, which i cant handle criticism of any kind.  I feel like a failure.  I've failed many classes and used to be an honors student.  I want to be home schooled but both of my parents work during the day and wont let me.  I feel like all my friends and teachers just think im lazy.  I feel gross.  I'm also a dancer.  I haven't gone to dance in 2 months.  I love to dance and im really good at it.  All my real friends are there, but like i said before all i think about is their disappointment.  I've been going there since I was 7 and they are my family and it kills me that i can't go.  I am taking meds for anxiety Lyrica to be exact, i just want to be homeschooled so i dont feel so guilty.  I just feel so guilty.

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Kira_May, Community Member
3/11/10 1:36pm

The guilt is the worst. The absolute worst. It's consuming. It makes everything-- the depression, the anxiety-- ten times worse. 

 

My best friend came back from college last week and I didn't even visit her while she was here. Why? Because I haven't gone to school in ages and I hate lying to her about me going to school. She's really supportive of my education and well being (she doesn't know about the depression/anxiety) and keeps on talking about college and trying to get me to apply for schools... and it's torture. How can I tell her that once again I screwed up? She doesn't understand, and I know she won't, and I don't want any more peopIle looking at me like I'm just some lazy failure. And I know what I have to do to fix everything... it's just that I *can't*. 

 

It's also school hours right now and where am I? In my bed and definitely not in school. 

 

Lately, I can't even get escape with sleep. I have nightmares all the time these days, or just really weird dreams, and I swear I'm being haunted by current actions. There are always teachers or my friends or students in my dreams, or school itself. God. 

 

I just want to finish getting my diploma and end this, but I can't go back. I've been looking into transferring out, but... I only have a few more credits to go. God, I'm so stupid. I hate myself so much for what I'm doing to myself. I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't see a way up. 

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wiaw, Community Member
3/16/10 5:06am

Hey friend, I think that was exactly the thing im suffering from last 5 months( I  think more than that). On those days I didn't even know that what is this feeling, make me so angry with my life, I don't want to say this, but friends I tried 3 times to kill myself in a same stpid way (holding the breath) but I knew that wan't hapen,  but I didn't want to make it from a worse way.

The truth is I like to live, but I am geting so ........ (i don't know what is that feeling. it's like something deadly) when I think about school and meet other people. I want to be alone. Im 18 now I dont know that Depression or whatever it called come's with the age or something....

 but also know I can't survive like this,  In some time I have to go out, and find a job or something to make my world. but I want to be ALONE. I dont want any disturbances. I want to feel some freedom. Once my mother took me to a counseller.

I don't why she took me there, but that day I was so happy, thinking that hooraay I finally got a chance to build my self some attitudes. I went there and start the session. I told her what are the broblems I have. I felt some confertable there. 

But I don't know that is it the method of counselling, she ask me to write my broblems and the way I am think to overcome my difficulties. actuall friends I felt  so sorry about his clients or patients. WTF (sorry) If I know the answers or way to overcome my difficulties would I go to her. at the very fist session she make me more nervise. But I she said one single exercise or some other way to control my self till the next session. After that I didn't meet any kind of a counsseller.

I love watch movies that's the only thing make me happy about my life. but its so stupid thing that someone ask me that "reason of Im living is to watch movies".  But I'm not a lazy man, thats the only thing I know about my self. this is my first open comment I ever posted about my life. I know in my post you cant find any answer for you, but posting this becouse I searched on google how to overcome this feeling.......

I'm trying to be with nature (In the woods), and I think being in a forrest alone will make me a better one.................................................. Try it with a good friend of yours (becouse you are a girl and that's make some difficulties)  I"m not  good with english that much, hope you did understand me.

Reply
wiaw, Community Member
3/16/10 5:09am

Hey friend, I think that was exactly the thing im suffering from last 5 months( I  think more than that). On those days I didn't even know that what is this feeling, make me so angry with my life, I don't want to say this, but friends I tried 3 times to kill myself in a same stpid way (holding the breath) but I knew that wan't hapen,  but I didn't want to make it from a worse way.

The truth is I like to live, but I am geting so ........ (i don't know what is that feeling. it's like something deadly) when I think about school and meet other people. I want to be alone. Im 18 now I dont know that Depression or whatever it called come's with the age or something....

 but also know I can't survive like this,  In some time I have to go out, and find a job or something to make my world. but I want to be ALONE. I dont want any disturbances. I want to feel some freedom. Once my mother took me to a counseller.

I don't why she took me there, but that day I was so happy, thinking that hooraay I finally got a chance to build my self some attitudes. I went there and start the session. I told her what are the broblems I have. I felt some confertable there. 

But I don't know that is it the method of counselling, she ask me to write my broblems and the way I am think to overcome my difficulties. actuall friends I felt  so sorry about his clients or patients. WTF (sorry) If I know the answers or way to overcome my difficulties would I go to her. at the very fist session she make me more nervise. But I she said one single exercise or some other way to control my self till the next session. After that I didn't meet any kind of a counsseller.

I love watch movies that's the only thing make me happy about my life. but its so stupid thing that someone ask me that "reason of Im living is to watch movies".  But I'm not a lazy man, thats the only thing I know about my self. this is my first open comment I ever posted about my life. I know in my post you cant find any answer for you, but posting this becouse I searched on google how to overcome this feeling.......

I'm trying to be with nature (In the woods), and I think being in a forrest alone will make me a better one.................................................. Try it with a good friend of yours (becouse you are a girl and that's make some difficulties)  I"m not  good with english that much, hope you did understand me.

Reply
secell, Community Member
5/26/10 6:58pm

I am in exact situation as you are. You're story basically matched mine. I missed almost 60 days of school in one year. It's ridiculous. I've been suffering with anxiety attacks for 5 years and this year had gone worse because I went in deep depression because my parents got separated, my sister moved out, my sick rabbit died and my friend haven't talked to me ever since. Me, my sister and my father are very close because they always tried to support me except my mom. My mom doesn't give a **** about me. Whenever I told her that I'm having anxiety/panic attacks she said get used to it. How could I? I'm always paranoid and I'm always having problems and things are getting worse for me as days, weeks and months passed by. I lost my concentration in school (I can't study, I can't do homework, I can't do nothing). I do have suicidal thoughts, I always wanted to kill myself because of what I am...pathetic.  I went to the doctor about my anxiety/depression, she said that she gonna prescribed me low dose pills. I accepted it but never took it because I don't like chemicals either because medications give me side effects and make me stay at home on school days. I really want help I really do. I love writing, self-studying using "StumnleOpon", drawing on photoshop and sketches and listening to music. Basically I'm an artist. I wanted to be a computer animator or a game designer. I am a computer game freak. Games calmed my anxiety down, same with drawing and watching funny movies or shows like Family Guy. But if I laugh to hard or too much my anxiety attack will come up. I told my dad that I'm suffering with anxiety/panic attacks but he doesn't know what it is and he thinks that I'm trying to attract people attention, which is not true. He and my mother thinks it is an excuse of my school absences. It's not. Me and my mom consantly always fight and argue and our relationship is far apart. She's a type of mom that wants me to go to school (I'm in high school and also 18 years old) and get good marks (85-100%). I am an average school person, I get 65-80% and my mom said that 80 is not enough. I'm like are freakin' kidding me! I really wanted to go to school but I just can't. It's like there's a devil inside my head, telling me what to do or not do. I just can't fight it! I really need help. I tried counselling but acting like level 1 counsellors. I'm looking for level 5 councellors. I hate my life.

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Kira_May, Community Member
5/26/10 8:49pm

When did I write this post? February?

Three months have passed and not a single thing has changed. I've gotten to the point that I've created a bubble around myself, ignoring the world and everyone in it. Every so often someone or something shakes the bubble-or worse, crashes into it-and when that happens I'm completely overwhelmed in anxiety that it feels as if my brain literally shuts down. I go into full panic mode and freak out and wont calm down again until the bubble is back up.

I hardly go outside anymore. Maybe once a week, if my Mom can force me. It's gotten so bad that I can't even stand going outside. Whenever I have to I pretty much fight tooth and nail. I'll dwell and prolong getting dressed/changed/etc, feeling so much dread that by the time I'm outside I want nothing more than to run back inside. And when I'm outside all I can think of is going back home. Back to my room. Back to my bubble.

Just thinking about outside things gets me terrified. I've ignored and avoided all my friends. My family can't even talk about certain subjects around me (like school or my best friend who I've been avoiding like the plague since I'm too ashamed to see her) because I completely freak. And then the anxiety hits, which brings on the depression, (or vice versa-I can never tell) and I lash out. Or shut further down. My best friend, who came back from college for break, tried to call me and I completely avoided the call. I ended up practically curling up into a ball and hoping the earth would open up and swallow me whole. Of course, since the world isn't so nice, it didn't happen.

Just thinking about these things as I write this is making me shiver all over.

I don't know I let myself get to this point. I don't know how to get out of it.

I know what you mean about video games and art and writing being an escape. Sometimes I'm just too tired or depressed to do anything but read or sleep, but I usually do something along the lines of art when I need a distraction. I also use photoshop to draw, as well. It really helps to get my mind off things, usually. I used to play Rock Band, but now that reminds me too much of my friend and the last time we saw each other, and I avoid the game like mad nowadays (even if I want to play). Music sometimes help, though not as much as the art/writing. A combo of all three is the best. Lately it's just been art since I can't even focus enough to write anything. It's so pathetic.

I know what you mean, also, about just wanting to kill yourself for being so pathetic. I feel like that a lot. When I'm in my bubble, I usually don't feel that way. It's the rare times I'm unable to distract myself properly, or when my bubble is invaded, that I start getting those suicidal thoughts back. Coward, much. I even try to avoid bathing (I have to literally force myself into the bathroom to take a bath, and sometimes I would even skip out on a day or two >.<") because when I'm in the shower I'm assaulted by everything. There's nothing to distract myself with and my mind wanders dangerously. More than once I've nearly passed out or had anxiety attacks in the bath because I couldn't take my mind off of my memories or bad thoughts. God, it's so depressing.

I also know what you mean about laughing too hard and getting anxious afterward. Whenever I really lose myself and start really enjoying whatever I'm doing/watching/reading, it's like a reminder of the predicament I'm in comes slapping me in the face and the smile dies right off my face.

My bubble's not nearly as perfect as I wish it were.

My mom hinted at me trying to get a job and I ignored her until she left my room and as soon as she did completely wigged out. I started crying just imaging going outside and talking to someone and having to make a good impression and just working. I couldn't relax for days. Every time I heard her pass my room I'd stop breathing and wait for her to pass completely. In the morning she usually avoids my room when waking everyone else up, but because I've become such a light sleeper, I always wake up, too. And I start staring at the door wondering if that day was going to be the day she finally decided enough was enough and went in my room and started to yell again, or talk to me, or persuade me to go outside or find a job or search for other school options.

I've become such a mess. I can no longer see a future for myself. Not in writing, not in art, not in anything. I also wanted to do game design, and animation, and illustration. I wanted to be a novelist, a publisher, a teacher, a Japanese translator, a digital artist...maybe even a fashion designer, or a designer in general. I wanted to do so many things, none of which I can no longer see myself doing. My thoughts are constantly "I'll never be good enough", "I'll never make it outside", "I won't improve", "I have no talent", "I won't survive", and "I'll never change". My growth has been literally stunted by those thoughts and feelings. It's so overwhelming sometimes that I feel like I can't breathe.

Sorry for loading this on you.

In any case, I hope you get the therapy you need. Good luck, and do know you're not alone. You haven't fucked yourself over nearly as much as I have myself, so you have far more opportunity than I do to get help and make things right.

Good luck, and do take care of yourself.

You'll probably think this is a bit girly, but I'll send you a virtual hug anyways.

*Hugs*

 

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SurvivingPTSD, Community Member
5/27/10 3:11am

I found your post while I was trying to figure out a way to finish my college degree, I was also nearly one semester away from having a career in something I had been going to school for nearly 5 years.  Almost every feeling you have described, I have felt, too, because I was/am in the same situation.  No doctor, social worker, or psychiatrist could tell me what I was going through.  They tried to tell me I was bi-polar, Schitzo, ext.. It wasn't until I picked up a book a year later at a friends house, called "POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER" that I finally found the answers I was longing for.  With more research, I found mine to be "COMPLEX POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER" because I had subjected myself to the torment of forcing myself to go to class while feeling paranoid and humiliated because I had shared personal information with a teacher (which was then reported to other staff) that I should not have...I broke down, and could not control my mouth or feelings...I didn't care about the consequences at the moment...it turned into revealing all of my problems which should have been discussed with a counselor or close friend (which I didn't have)...I was going through a lot of issues including depression (which stemmed from breaking up with my ex-fiaance 6 months into the actual 2 year program) substance abuse, controlling relationships, unemployment, loneliness and failing to excel in the academics of my college program.  I had told her she could kick me out, but instead, she was polite and understanding, and suggested I talk to a counselor.  Shortly after my meltdown...regret, anxiety, guilt and humiliation set in...In complex PTSD I found that after a traumatic event, one will have attachment issues with the person involved...I became somewhat obsessive with this teacher and trying to "fix" what I had done/said...of course each time I tried to do this, I had only made things worse... it continued to build into total self destruction: extreme guilt, paranoia, obsession with my past actions/words/teachers, anger, hypervigilance, avoidance, isolation, excessive sleep, not studying or handing in homework, loss of emotions (except for bouts of explosive anger and despair), short term memory loss, self-mutilation, loss of functioning, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, and thoughts of wanting to sleep for the rest of my life far away from all everything and everyone!  I kept thinking/believeing I would be kicked out of school, and even my parents believed it, but didn't quite understand that I could still continue to go to class if I were...well, it became a self-fulfilled prophecy...since I thought I deserved to be kicked out, I ended up doing it to myself...I tried talking to a school counselor, doctor...nothing helped, nor would I take any medications (although there were reasons for that, too).  I nearly finished out the tormentuous rest of the semester (only because I was feeling forced from my parents to go near the end) however, I didn't show up for my two exam days because I literally felt unable to do anything, didn't seem to care, literally thought I was already kicked out, and stayed in bed.  I didn't really understand why I was doing this to myself...I was aware yet unaware... I found it was more my subconscious working against me and depletion of neurons (which actually occurs in PTSD-but thank God, they can be replenished after the healing process begins!)  ....I could go on of course...since I seem to be using this post now to get my feelings out, and this is about YOU!  I started writing because I want to help you in every way I can because I know how lonely it is...no one wanted to be around me for many months...no one wanted to listen anymore about my problems, especially because although I am still allowed to go back and finish the program, I CAN'T!!! To this day, no family or friends can understand why I would put all my credits, time and effort to waste, when it would only take me one more year to complete.  Making myself go back to that school, with the same professors, rooms, etc...would bring me back to hell on earth...it's something I can now talk about openly without getting angry or extremely distressed...but the avoidance symptoms are still very real, but before, I would never have thought I would be as well as I am today.  I want to tell you that you can be happy again...I won't tell you it's going to be very soon, as it's been about a year and 1/2 for me...but you are young and have plenty of time to sort things out, whether you feel you do or not.  I, too, could not get the past out of my head, but I have!  I seriously thought I would never be able to have a happy day again, or be able to enjoy being around people without feeling inadequate, or having an anxiety attack, but I have, and so can you! The exhaustion you are feeling is a reaction from the extreme anxiety you have, and the unprocessed traumatic event that is lurking somewhere in your subconscious...you may have memory loss which is a physical defense mechanism and another symptom of PTSD because the event was too much for you to process at the time.  However, figuring out the trauma, or sequence of traumas, is important to start the healing process...which can be a long and difficult one, but major healing can be conquered, I'm living proof!!!  One of the biggest things that helped with the healing process for me, was understanding what I was going through, and knowing that there were physical aspects attributing to my impairment, that were beyond my control, yet treatable: (Wikipedia) Six suggested core components of complex trauma treatment include:[42]

 

  1. Safety
  2. Self-regulation
  3. Self-reflective information processing
  4. Traumatic experiences integration
  5. Relational engagement
  6. Positive affect enhancement 

 

To start, I recommend reading through both PTSD and Complex-PTSD from wikipidia, which is what I found to have the best, most extensive information reguarding these disorders.(they are listed separately, but both connected, and necessary to grasp where you and your source or sources of trauma extend).  I did refused medications for treatment, but if I was diagnosed correctly things may have been different.

I sincerely want to hear from you again to know how you are feeling, and to see if any of this information has put you at ease just a little, or if there are any questions I can answer for you.  Also, let me know if you would like to talk in private through email or something due to I have now share all of this publicly...but if it helps someone like you, than it's worth the risk.  Not to mention, I also don't have all the answers, which is why I found you.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

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healthymind, Community Member
6/ 7/10 12:25pm

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healthymind, Community Member
6/ 7/10 2:01pm

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The possible side effects of Risperdal: fever, sweating, severe muscle stiffness (rigidity), confusion, fast or irregular heart beat. Stop taking Risperdal and contact your doctor immediately: an allergic reaction (difficulty breathing; closing of the throat; swelling of the lips, tongue, or face; or hives); uncontrollable movements of the tongue, face, lips, arms, or legs; muscle spasms of the face or neck; severe restlessness or tremor; severe drowsiness or fainting; or irregular or very fast heartbeat.

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AMY, Community Member
11/ 2/10 5:46am

Thankyou for posting this it made me feel like im not as alone as i thought. I have friends and family but i am 17 and cant seem to tell anyone how depressed and how much anxiety i have. I feel soo embarissed about it . Especially since my friends seem to be all normal and happy all the time . i sometimes get them asking me whats wrong and i usually just say nothing and smile it off. Its hard , to tell people something like that especially since some people dont fully understand what it does to someone. Like you mom, you said she doesnt understand, i have the same thing with my mom but she doesnt know. The only reason i know she will just act normal if i tell her is because my brother has depression and told everyone about it. She still yells at him all the time and its like she thought he was sad just for a moment . I also dont know what to do though because i have missed 1 month of school know and i just keep telling her i dont feel good but know she just thinks i am lazy and dont care. I wouldnt be sick i was depressed and would sleep in my bed for weeks without stepping out of my house. I guess i am missing so much school because i have anxiety of what people will think of me. I changed alot since elementary school and now i am kinda in the popular group. Hot guys like me and i am not looked at badley from them. I feel so much pressure to be cool and say the write things that i have landed up to not saying much. I am in a new school for my last year and have almost no friends because i have missed so much school due to my anxiety and depression. Just wanted to let you know your not alone, everyone has their issues and i know i shouldnt be giving advise because i havent told anyone about my problems but you should try writing what you feel in a day from when you first wake up to when you go to bed and then give it to your mom. She will prbably relize how hard it is for you to live just one day, and im sure she will never forget it if its written down. anyway please get back to me -- amy

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stormkengen, Community Member
1/ 4/11 9:10pm

May,

 

I went through pretty much the exact same thing last year (seventh grade for me). Yes that is younger but I had the same feelings. My situation was slightly different because, for a while, I thought I was fine but my mama was worried. I tried an out-patient trial at NIH but it didn't work. My parents then had me submitted to an in-patient hospital, mine was called Dominican in Virginia. At first I hated it but it worked. I was released to out-patient status after less than 3 weeks and released entirely after another week. They suggested to continue therapy but, as I was never suicidal, I decided not to. At the hospital I was prescribed fluoxetine (anti-depressents) and I am still on them (almost a year later). I see my doctor about every three months to keep my meds.

 

For school, I had missed about half of the entire year. My therapist, I believe, was the one to set up a program so that a teacher came to my house and taught me. I ended up doing a semesters work in a month ending with As and Bs. I didn't even have to do summer school. I loved my teacher, she was so nice.

 

I think it will all work out for you. I suggest you admit yourself into a hospital specializing in this type of thing, it helped me heaps. I am now happy and healthy and back at school (granted, it is a different school but you only have half a year left while I have eight grade and all of high school).

 

Good luck and I hope this helps!

 

Storm

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JawG, Community Member
7/ 5/11 7:21am

I'm 15 and I have been struggling over the past year as well. I'm good with academia and my friends are cool, but a lot of the time I just can't make myself go. I'm having problems with attendance now, and I may have to repeat a year so I know exactly how you feel. Try talking to a therapist or counsellor. Its the first step to getting back to normal. I truly hope you feel better and get over your problem. Sorry this is happeneing to you...

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Miu, Community Member
11/23/11 4:51pm

Listen to me May, i can't believe this. I was just searching "why can't i go to school?" I found this and, i have the exact same problem, im not even... this is insane, i felt like the only one in this situation, but almost everything is pefectly fitting into my situation,but im 17, i have 6 months left in school, ive been missing months and days and every time i think about having to go in, i almost burst into tears, i get scared, i hate being around people and being outside, i also like doing art and being creative, but i can't enjoy it recently, mom also can't understand why i won't go to school, i find it so hard to explain it because i also don't really know what is wrong with me also. I hate going into school and getting questioned too, i also have some friends and i have tallent in Art. They also think it's a waste and why can't i deal with it? Oh my god, but i can't you know? But i also dislike how my school works, i can't do homework, when i try it out, i almost cry because i can't cope, i might have a phobia but no one understands why, not even me, i got sepparated from my friends classes into our own classes a year ago not including this one, and i started to go downhill, im also afraid of graduating, im afraid of growing up, i feel useless and that il never get on in life. I wonder if you ever got over this feeling, and how are you doing now and if you have any advice for me now, i tried reading peoples comments but... i think i would need more help. I was brought to the doctors and they said nothing was wrong with me, that i needed to sleep more and go to school, BUT I CAN'T, i even have to go in tomorrow, mom tells me i need to go in, my friends must think i have gone insane because ive just given up, and people are starting to ask questions and i get nervous, i hate how i look and hate how i feel and i hate walking outside, i feel like a recluse but i don't know what to do. Im worried because my grades will go down and i might not pass the tests at the end of the year. My mother might get in trouble for not bringing me to school, but what am i going to do?? Anyway i have the exact same problem, i swear that everything you typed out, is my problem, but i havent taken much action yet. Only the doctors, and i also got to have a subject taken off me as i thought it was that i was getting too stressed with work but, i dont know what it is, everyone else seems to be able to cope, i can't understand why i can't do this. I just don't want to leave my house or anything, i find the last few months boring and im not learning anything. I just want to curl into a ball and forget about the world but i can't do that, and ive also been feeling like why am i even living? Not that i will ever try hurt myself but im that depressed that it's getting scary and i want to leave it before it gets worse. Im sorry that im not helping you but it's just that your words made the tears flow as i was reading them.... it was so like my situation, why can't there be help for this kind of stuff, i feel like a mental patient....  i hope you had help too <3

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kay7, Community Member
11/29/11 8:20pm

You took literally all the words out of my mouth & wrote everything I feel. I am currently a senior in high school also, & in the same position as you. This seems to be posted a while ago, but how is everything going? How did it turn out? I cannot go back to school, just like you said, & is there another option that you know of? I understand everything you're feeling. You're not alone. & I hate how I feel like everybody who isn't living it doesn't understand & just thinks it's something I can control. This is so difficult. How are you feeling now? I really hope you're feeling better. & what did you end up doing about school? 

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anxiety ruining life, Community Member
11/30/11 5:40pm

Hello. I am a 17 year old senior in HS. I kind of face the same problem.. I'll tell you my own story.

 

This year started out fine. Everything was perfect. I had good grades, i got the courses that i wanted. Then one day while I was in my World Beliefs class and I felt like I would throw up..  I started hyperventaling, and getting num. I walked to my teacher and told him I felt sick and went to the nurse. I have Addision's disease, so th nurse thought that 'my feeling bad' was related to my ilness so she called my mom and she picked me up. After that, the same thing occured to me every day. I couldn't focus on my school work. Over Thanksgiving break, things got worst.. now I feel sick even when at home. I have an appointment this saturday, to see a phsycologist. I've been missing school for about 2 weeks and I feel so guilty, I feel like im not doing what i need to do. I want to be the normal person i was before.

 

If you recive this, please know that you are not alone. There are many people that feel this way.

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Miu, Community Member
12/ 1/11 8:04pm

Ive noticed a lot of people here are more artistic rather than those studious brain boxes that want to become doctors, not that i have anything against them and im not calling anyone stupid, but i feel like people who are creative don't want to be in school and studying, being around people you don't want to be and having to do certain things you dislike... I think creative people like me want to just do what we are good at, work in a comfortable environment and be more free. Maybe that is just me, but i feel much more cramped in school, stressfull, like people have you on leads, i want to be free and creative and enjoy life, but school bings me down, makes me do things i dislike, talk to people i dislike and all that kind of stuff. Now this could just be me. But that is how i feel anyway. I hope everyone is doing ok, im still missing 2 weeks of school and i went to the doctors today about my feelings and he was very nice and advised a nice counseler company i can go to. I do want to get myself out of this and it's so hard because i have no motivation, i want to stay inside and not do anything... but i feel like i can do this if i try. Good luck everyone, i advise just talking about it to a professional. Maybe they can do something for you, i will find out soon and tell you :C <3

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Chris, Community Member
1/ 9/12 4:46am

Hello I'm 17 and in my second year of HS (failed the second year once) and I have the identical problem as you do. When I was reading your post I could not believe how identical our problems are, like every single bit of it. I've missed out probably a month already and not 5 minutes ago my friends called from school probably asking what's wrong, but I'm too afraid to answer the phone. I'll try to explain how all of this started:

 

Around a year ago I was attending another HS which wasn't going too bad, as far as grades and absence goes, but I hated my class and they hated me. Around Januray I got really sick and missed out on alot of school work, so my classmates made fun on me. Because of that I stayed home even more to try to avoid that, but it only got worse. At the end of February I missed out so much and had so much catching up to do that I started having panic attacks, vomitting, indigestione problems and headaches. I finally decide to leave school in March, then go to another school (I stayed home for 6 months and then went back to school at the start of a new school year, I went to a new school). Now in this school I FELT great, I made enough friends I got along well, but it went downhill slowely and then it went down a cliff. I went to my school counselor and she told me to go to a place where they deal with kids with such problems, but I won't be able to go there until April 24th, since there are so many kids with these kind of problems.

 

I've missed so much I'm afraid to go to school, my friends will ask me all these questions, I'll have alot of catching up to do, my teachers will be dissapointed.......It's gotten so bad that I made my father cry (he never cries about anything). I'm having panic attacks, headaces.........the same problems I had before. I basicly screwed up my whole life my education is f*****, if I fail this year I'll completely lose it. I was thinking about suicide, but knowing how much that would hurt my father.......*sigh* 

 

I'm going to my doctor to see if he can recommend me a psychologist and try to get rid of this problem. I am completely lost, I'm ignoring my best friends because I don't want to tell them this, only my father and the counselor and one teacher know about the problems I'm having.

 

Well enough about me, I hope my english was good enough so you could understand it (not my first language), and I wish all of you the best. 

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camillatn, Community Member
1/12/12 7:48pm

Hey I know this post is close to dead, but I just wanted to respond to you really quickly. I totally understand where you are coming from. Everything you are saying I can completely relate and have gone through myself and am still going through it. Just a little background story on me: 20, last year of uni-prep and in the same boat as you. I have been suffering for depression for a number of years now and have been going to treatment on and off for the last couple of years. But this last it just took on a life on its own and developed into a way worse problem than it has ever been - and it has been bad! In the last year or so I have slowly been feeling the anxiety coming on and this last half year it has been full blown social anxiety. I hate going anywhere that requirs me to be with people and get a raising heart and panic attacks everytime I am going outside the door. Anyways my point is that about 3-2 months ago I went to first my school councilor, school shrink, and then finally my own doctor (all in one week which I never in a million years would see myself doing) But what happened was that all of the things I had kept bottled up had gotten to the point that it was so serious that my own doctor decided to admit me to the hospital. There i was tested for just about everything and talked to i dont even know how many people and in the end they figured out what type of treatment and medication i needed. That was seriously the scariest thing I have ever experienced in my entire life, but my point about it is that it helped me see my problem. And it helped me realize that it is not something to be ashamed of talking about. Now I havent gone and yelled it from the rooftops, but that experience helped me push myself to tell my best friends at school who had no clue what had been going on, and you cannot imagine how supportive they were! Now I am by no means ''cured'' and probably never will be fully but I am getting there and it was all because I decided to take the first step to get help because I was begining to scare myself and since then so many people have shown support in ways I couldnt have dreamed. I think that if you have good, true friends then you should someway get the currage to tell them. Even if it is not something you wanna discuss after your little ''confession'' just know that there are people around you that understand and care will help tremendously and will help you face all of the other people at school! I really do hope that you decide to get help anyway you can! good luck!

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JennIfer0022, Community Member
1/23/12 5:42am
Hi I'm Jennifer n I'm 18 n right now I'm in bed , ment to be in school but I can't I actually feel like I can't go in! I don't know what to do I don't know who I can talk to, can't talk to my mam because she just says you need a kick up the arse n just go to F-in school , I can't talk to my friend because I don't have many and the one I do have just desert seem to understand eg: I was out before christmas n after christmas n when I got the guts to go back to school she's like oh hi Jennifer *laughs* I have seen you in about... 6 weeks. Any way I feel depressed and stressed .... I have my leaving certificate in June and I don't mind Exams it's just school I can't bare I got bullied in my last year of primary school (teachers didn't believe me because the girls partents were on the school committee and donating money to the school) and the first two years of secondary school(the teacher in charge of my year group didn't believe me I even got bullied by her and my councilor at the time was very nice and confronted the teacher about it.guess what .... My councilor was fired!) That teacher in charge of my year group was also my French teacher! In December 2008 my Nanna had a stroke and was rushed to hospital I was out alot my Nanna was in hospital from the 8th to the 20th while my mam was in the hospital at my nannies bedside me and my two sisters were at home....the phone rings.... It's that teacher.... She starts giving out to me .... I tell her my Nanna Is in hospital she then tells me that "well your no good staying at home" the next day I go into school and then I'm off for my Christmas holidays ...20th December 2008 my Nanna died. When I go back to school that teacher calls me out of class and says thank god your Nanna died over the Christmas holidays because you didn't miss any school over it...... her excat words! At the minute I'm not going to any councilor I hate going to the doctor and I don't as I have had bad experiences with them and when I did my school rang and asked if I was really sick my doctor told them every thing ... I should have sued for breach of confidentially !!! **Sighs** I just don't know what to do any more! Reply
Miu, Community Member
5/ 1/12 11:31am

You must be from Ireland too then if you have a leaving cert to do, therefore i understand a bit what it's like for you. Me being from Ireland too. I ended up leaving school in November because I couldn't go in, i feel uncomortable around people and unhappy all the time and depressed, lethargic. My mom just thinks im being lazy and need to go in, but i fear it was a more psychological thing. I hate doctors too but I went to 2 doctors and the second one tired to help me the most, but i ended up leaving, and i missed like 30 days last year, as this was when i started slipping :/ Friends just never understood, always making fun od me missing days. Every teacher will tell you how important the LC is for your education, but now I don't have one, what am i going to do? I left and i feel like im in a hole because of my stupid anxiety towrds people, and i feel better at home.. and no one can understand it, my mom says every day "I am so glad im not the kind of person who can be stuck inside all day and night" always jabing me with words like that :/ sigh... we all need help and nothing is there for us <3 but we are all here together.

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Phie531, Community Member
4/23/12 1:44pm

May. I am going through the exact same thing. To every detail.

 

I know a lot of people say they understand what you're going through, however i truly do. I can't go to school i don't feel comfortable or anything like that. Why..i don't know. I've been to a hospital for attempting suicide.

 

What my school let me do is finish my year up at home, and take quizzes/tests/and exams at school in the counselor's office. Since being around people and outside of my house makes me feel uncomfortable. I know what you're going through. I really really do. Please don't pass this information off as someone trying to help you like everyone else. We having the same issues. I feel like living is a chore. Doing the things i love, is a chore as well. I'm taking anixety medicine and (i just started a week or 2 ago so it hasn't taken effect yet) I know what it feels like. However i have no explanation why i feel uncomfortable or unhappy outside of my house. I haven't been to school in a long time too. I kept missing a lot of school.

 

Please, talk to your principal about finishing school up at your house. (I'm 17 - going on 18, and a senior as well in HS)

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redapple, Community Member
3/15/13 3:52am

I'm going through the same exact thing right now. I was going to go to sleep but instead I felt likelooking up what I'm feeling and I came across this. Its insane how you mentioned everything that I am feeling. I haven't been to school for a while now. I want to go but I can't.  I try and do my homework but I can't.  Only difference is that something did trigger the anxiety and so fourth.  This is my story ...

 

Last year 2012 my ex boyfriend broke into my house while I was alone and beat me badly because I broke up with him. We met in 2008 I was a freshman he was a senior and we totally fell in love. We lasted quite a while but I got tired of his bullshit so I left him. He was emotionally attatched to me, he was obsessed.  

 

Ever since that incident I'm not the same. I stay paranoid.  It feels like he's a monster that I'm trying to hide from. I have awful flash backs and bad night mares. There doesn't go one day when I don't think of him. And idk why. I hate him. I think. Anywho well its been getting worselately I think because it was around this time last year that it happened.  

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redapple, Community Member
3/15/13 3:55am

I'm going through the same exact thing right now. I was going to go to sleep but instead I felt likelooking up what I'm feeling and I came across this. Its insane how you mentioned everything that I am feeling. I haven't been to school for a while now. I want to go but I can't.  I try and do my homework but I can't.  Only difference is that something did trigger the anxiety and so fourth.  This is my story ...

 

Last year 2012 my ex boyfriend broke into my house while I was alone and beat me badly because I broke up with him. We met in 2008 I was a freshman he was a senior and we totally fell in love. We lasted quite a while but I got tired of his bullshit so I left him. He was emotionally attatched to me, he was obsessed.  

 

Ever since that incident I'm not the same. I stay paranoid.  It feels like he's a monster that I'm trying to hide from. I have awful flash backs and bad night mares. There doesn't go one day when I don't think of him. And idk why. I hate him. I think. Anywho well its been getting worselately I think because it was around this time last year that it happened.  

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steph, Community Member
4/ 5/13 7:45am

Hello May! I just like to say; I feel the same way too. Also, but my memory loss as taking even more effect on me as-well, it's effected on my schooling, my relationship and feeling terrible of what I say to her! I don't relize it until later on. I too have that little voice inside me too. Sometimes; it feels like its right behind me, I'm screaming for help but scared to mention or discuss it to a doctor. I guess the other side is saying "no".. When I look for answers on the net, well; there is no answers on the net. I can't find any help what so ever...I don't know what I'm suffering from but I think it's getting worse, it's to the point where I'm hitting myself again! It's when I get realy mad, frustrated, feeling closed or cornered and then that's when it happens; " I hit myself in the head or anywhere on the face...

I'm sorry if I wasn't of any kind of help! But there's always the good side that wants to help n take care of yourself! Your not alone!!

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JYP, Community Member
4/ 8/13 1:01am

I am going through the same exact thing, literally everything you have stated. Every reply, sentence, word, I relate to 100%

 

Except, I'm a guy. It honestly just makes me look more weak and scum, especially when everyone tells me to "man" up. I started to really cry after reading this whole page and everyone's replies. I cried because I actually found someone I could relate to 100%, someone that has the same exact problems/symptons as me (among the posts).

 

I am a sophomore in HS (10th). I was too a top notch student well known around all the teachers and staff in my school, but now I'm screwed over. I missed over 100 days of school this year just sitting around or laying around in my house, doing nothing. The guilt, pain, depression, anxiety, attacks, you name it. Everything, I mean everything you stated and replied in this post, I relate to.

 

May our days be better... and bright.

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laurenxxx, Community Member
7/12/13 5:00am

I undertand. Im finding it hard each day, ive only had it for a week but i really can not cope any londer, i have had a week off and have been in for a whole day and a half untill i threw up in the toilets and is to scared to go back to school because i might throw up again. I really wish there was something you could take which will ease the pain. Im 13 and people say it goes on for a long time. And i dont want to have a month off school. This is what gets me worked up and makes me have this anxiety feeling. I am always sick when i leave my house and end up not going to school.Cry

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laurenxxx, Community Member
7/12/13 5:01am

I undertand. Im finding it hard each day, ive only had it for a week but i really can not cope any londer, i have had a week off and have been in for a whole day and a half untill i threw up in the toilets and is to scared to go back to school because i might throw up again. I really wish there was something you could take which will ease the pain. Im 13 and people say it goes on for a long time. And i dont want to have a month off school. This is what gets me worked up and makes me have this anxiety feeling. I am always sick when i leave my house and end up not going to school.Cry

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Layla3, Community Member
2/ 3/14 11:04am

Hey, I'm 14. God, this whole thread started in 2010. Looks like I'm the first to post here in 2014. This morning, like a lot of mornings, I've refused to go to school. My parents and my family have such big fights because of me. My father says he's going to get fired if I don't go to school because his work pays for my schooling. He work for the US gov, so I move a lot. I've always been switching schools my whole life and this year I've been seriously contemplating suicide. Nobody understands what I go through, and I don't know how to tell them. I was doing pretty fine this year after the school notified me about my attendance. They said I couldn't miss as much as I did last year because I'm in highschool now. So i sucked it up, and I went. I'm unhappy but I went. Now I've been skipping again, like just one day a week. Last week I only missed one period because I was late. I refused to go that day but I went on the train with my brother. I couldn't stop shaking that day, god. I remember the first day of this school year, I felt so nauseas during the back to school assembly. And when it was over I just wanted to rush to the bathroom but all the doorways were crowded because everyone was exiting and I felt so trapped and I leaned my head against the wall and I could just FEEL everyone staring thinking what's wrong with her??. By the time I got to a restroom, I just sort of gagged, because my stomach was empty. So that's why I don't each breakfast or lunch on school days... This whole thread I could relate to. I wish I could get help though like many the many on here. I live in a foreign country, Germany. So i can't see a german doctor. And my parents are in denial that something is wrong with me anyway. I have sent so many hints: "I wish I had a therapist" "I'm sad all the time" "I hate school." And there are other times when my dad says "Go away, you're bothering me" and I reply " okay I'll just go over here and kill myself," trying to be funny but not really and my parents just laugh. My dad lectured me today that my problem is TIME MANAGEMENT. My family is so unsupportive, they don't have the slightest clue what I go through. I feel so trapped. I shake all the time, I get chills all the time. I avoid sleeping as much as I can and try to enjoy myself watching movies until I decide to sleep because I dread the next day of school and I don't wanna sleep so soon because time to go to school would come too soon. I would do anything for a therapist but I just can't GET one. Living here is hell. I hate moving to dreadful places because of my father's job. He went to Iraq for two years when I was young. I wish he died there so I wouldn't be living this terrible life of no friends, terrible atmosphere, and horrible grades. I don't want a life filled with responsibility. I'm tired of my father lashing out at my mother for not making me go to school when he's at work. I put so much strain on the lives around me. I should seriously kill myself. I don't wanna live anymore. I keep prolonging it as if life will get better but it just keeps getting worse and worse. I don't know what to do. My dad told my mom this morning "do you want her to live an unsuccessful life like you?? DO YOU WANT HER TO BE A USELESS MAID LIKE YOU?" he blames her for the pathetic garbage I am. I feel so guilty. but i'm still selfish. I have fantasies of killing that sonovabitch. I think, if I had a gun, I'd kill my mom and then myself so she wouldn't have to see me dead. I guess I'd kill my brother, too, for that reason. I don't know. Anyways, I'd make my father live with that. I have to meet with the counselor on wednesday, 5th of february, 2014, about my grades, with my parents. I don't know why I put the date in there. I just want this thread to still be alive. I feel so lonely.

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Moomoo, Community Member
2/ 3/14 10:29pm
Hello! I am so sorry to here about your struggles . I am a mom of a14yr old girl and yes I understand. She has not been to school for 3weeks now. I put her on a 504 plan which protects kids with certain disabilities especially anxiety/panic disorders. This plan helps kids like you so you won't get penalized. Is there a counselor in your school? Ask them if they have a 504 plan or something similar? Is there a clinic by you? I could only imagine what you are going through and I am so sorry. My daughter has such a fear of dying or some one killing her. She has a phychiatric evaluation next week. It is not easy and she has your same symptoms. I pray that you guys get better. Hey I am here for you. If you need someone to talk to I here ;) Love a mom who understands ;) Denise Reply
Moomoo, Community Member
2/ 3/14 10:33pm
You have to get a psychiatric evaluation. Are you in the US? Reply
runner_girl, Community Member
2/ 5/14 11:09pm

I am only im middle school and it might be the worst thing ever. My teacher is a jerk to me but myn 6 others are as nice as a lollipop in candyland. I have good friends but I dont like school she gives me refferals for doing nothing im nice and well behaved in class but she doesnt care.I hahope you do ok and I hope that you cheer up because you only get one life dont waste it being sadLaughing

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By Kira_May, Community Member— Last Modified: 08/02/14, First Published: 02/05/10