Hello. I am an 18 year old senior in HS and I haven't been to school in a little over a month. I've always had "school refusal" issues (despite the fact that I know I need to go, I can't help not wanting to, or not being able to. I know, in part, it's because I just don't want to leave my house or be around people, even my friends. I don't feel comfortable "outside"). I don't know more than that, though. Anyways, this year has been particularly bad for me. My depression/anxiety levels have gone through the roof, as have, unfortunately, my tendency to not go to school. I want to go back, I have to go back, but I can't. I tried going a few days ago and I nearly passed out in the train station. Mine and my mother's relationship is strained because of my refusal (or inability?) to go to school. She knows something is wrong, knows I get depressed/anxious (I know she doesn't understand what depression/anxiety really is, though, because I've never told her the extent of everything (and chances are I wont ever), and she's the type of woman who thinks that feeling depressed/anxious is no excuse for missing school), but that's about it. I always end up getting mad at her because all she cares about is me going to school. I'm not an idiot-- I know why that's so important to her. But I hate that she doesn't go further than that. If I could realize something's wrong with me and look up what could be the problem (in books, online, from people, etc...), why can't she? Our arguing (and her hurtful/truthful words) are making me even more depressed. It's to the point that the things I love to do, like writing and drawing and painting and self-studying [Japanese/Literature/Computer Art/HTML/etc...], are nothing more than chores. Waking up is a chore, talking is a chore, breathing is a chore... I'm always either completely numb or completely down or completely angry or completely tired, and I truly don't know what to do anymore.
I've gone to clinic after clinic the past few weeks to get help (my last ray of hope), and each place I've visited (that takes my insurance) has a waiting period of 3-6 weeks. I even told two places that I've been having suicidal urges and thoughts lately to the point that I'm scaring myself because my self-control, that little voice in the back of my head that's telling me suicide isn't the way and I actually want to live, is dwindling, and even those two places said they couldn't squeeze me in (of course, they instructed me to call 911 if I hurt myself or start planning something seriously... but isn't just thinking about it or having urges to bad enough? Maybe not. Maybe they get so many pre-suicidal teens that they think it's nothing, or can't take care of us all.
... that's bitterness speaking. Sorry.
In any case... what am I supposed to do? Particularly about the school thing, but if you address anything else I'd be beyond appreciative. I honest-to-god can't go back there (and I only have half a year to go!). When I think of my teacher's faces-- their disappointment-- and the looks and questions I'll get from my friends... I honestly feel like I'd rather slit my wrists. I can't take disappointment. I can't. I feel like I'm going to die. And they will be disappointed. They always are, always going about how they expected better of me and how a girl "so smart" could miss so much school or be so lazy. I already talked to my school councilor twice because of depression and horrible attendance. I can't do it again, use it as another excuse. And part of me feels like it is my excuse. But it's real, it really is, and it hurts-- and I know people wont get it. I don't want them to, to be honest, but I don't want them not to, either.
I'm probably not making an ounce of sense right now.
I just... I just really need help.