Wednesday, November 30, 2011 Kira_May asks

Q: I have a best friend who I love to bits. She's practically my sister. Only better. I admire her so much, and I suppose that's why I push her away every time I do things I'm ashamed of...

... (stop going to school, gaining weight, quitting a task/project I take up, etc). I was in a really dark place last year and pretty much avoided her for six months. I mustered up the courage to get into contact with her again and she took it in stride and we patched things up. A few months later the same thing happened. I got super depressed and stopped attending school, gained a ton of weight, quit this program I was in... and started avoiding her. It's been 10 months since I've last spoken to her and it feels like a knife in my heart when I think about her. I miss her so much, but I can never bring myself to call/message her. She sent me an email two months asking why I was avoiding her again, and I had a huge anxiety attack, got so depressed I barely moved from my bed for the following two weeks, and pretty much put her message behind me. I tried to send her a message a week ago and, surprise surprise (not), couldn't do it. I feel so ashamed of myself and I don't want her to see me like this. Don't want her to know how I ruined my life AGAIN. Don't want her to be disappointed in me. And how could she not be when I'm so disappointed in MYSELF that I can't even look in the mirror anymore without wanting to put my fist through it.

I want my best friend back, I NEED my best friend back, but I don't have the courage to do anything about it. I get so unbelievably anxious and down when I think of her, to the point that I have to distract myself or else I'd end up in tears, having an anxiety attack, and punching myself in the face. Probably all the above.

I miss her but I feel like such utter DIRT. I AM dirt. I don't want her to look at me and see that, because I'll shatter into a million tiny pieces and probably won't be able to pick myself back up. I'm barely hanging on to my sanity as-is. Any and all advice and suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks in advance

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Answers (2)

Judy

11/30/11 6:41pm

Hi, there. I think I really understand where you're coming from because I've done this myself. It sounds like you are consumed with shame and the truth is, your friend still cares about you and you can't believe it! I would strongly suggest that you find a mental health professional, such as a therapist, to talk to about dealing with this. You are only hurting yourself by assuming you know how your friend feels or thinks about you. You aren't only hurting yourself, but your friend, as well, who cares about you. I think if you could tell her what you've written here, she would understand, but I know that's probably a really scary idea. That's where a therapist would be helpful.

You DO deserve a friend like this - please try to believe that. I'm guessing you might be depressed and that's why you are thinking so negatively. Try to reach out, you'll be surprised at what you might receive. Tomorrow is another day, there is always hope. I'm glad you wrote in here and hope you'll consider writing some more about what's going on in your life. You sound like you're really hurting and that's what we're here for. Let us know how you're doing.

Miu

12/ 1/11 8:18pm

Hello dear May,

I also have a great best friend and we got on so well and we like the same things and we are so close, we laugh together and we bicker and everything at times. As i am now missing school for nearly 2 weeks due to weird anxiety and depression and everything else, plus over a month missed if you add the other days this year, i feel so ashamed to talk to her too. I feel ashamed to talk to any of my little number of pals, ive even been getting questions like "Why did you leave school?" and i just told them i didn't and i will be in tomorrow(by text), but i never am and i feel really stupid. I went to see a doctor today and oh my god, i can understand how hard it is to do this. Luckily my mother is 100% behind me and she came with me and i felt much more comfortable. I have the worst social skills and i could not even look the doctor in the eyes half the time and im sure he noticed that. He was super nice to me and he didn't push his opinions on me or anything and has advised a counselor i can talk too. So you should go for it. It seems hard at first but once you are there, you are already on the right step.

My friend called the other day and just said i should go back and give it my best that she doesn't mind me missing. So i think the best thing is to just let her talk about how she feels and im sure she doesn't feel shame for you, like the post above says, she is your friend and im sure she loves you but you don't really know how she feels exactly, so let her tell you. Suck it in and give her a message saying how sorry you are for how you acted but you are going through a rough patch and you still miss/love/want to be close friends ect. or whatever you feel comfortable, Good Luck May, i wish you the best forever. I hope i can get over this depression also. It's tough to have friends who care but worse if you had none who cares. Think of it that way (:

Love, Miu.

Q: I have a best friend who I love to bits. She's practically my sister. Only better. I admire her so much, and I suppose that's why I push her away every time I do things I'm ashamed of...

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