Well, I made a point of finalizing it over the weekend. I had enough of living in limbo.

I didn't mention in my last post that he said he was going through something 2 weeks ago (2 weeks after I returned home) which going by the symptoms he described, sounded like depression. So I took this into account that his behaviour will be different. Anyway, as days went by, the affection started to fade. The contact became less and when we did talk, he would be distant. I still put it all down to the depression.  So,  then he tells me that he is going through this 'apathy' phase so I'm like...umm ok..try and be understanding, this is a scary time for him right? But then, I noticed that he wasn't treating others in the same manner. Now, I have been in deep depression before and I know what disassociation feels like and at that time, I pretty much treated everybody the same....moody, no energy, no enthusiasm etc. The fact that he could be selective about it suggested to me that he was CHOOSING to treat me that way, which shocked me to the core. I know that people react differently to depression and so I am in no way saying that just because I was how I was that he should be exactly the same. However, I just thought the difference in how he was with me and others were too big of a difference to be classed as minor mood changes. So, I asked him about it and he didn't deny it.

You see, I had asked him time and time again if we should just go our separate ways but each time, he would say no, which gave me a little hope. I explained to him that his actions did not reflect his words. His words were that he loves me very much, I'm so special to him, he doesn't want to lose me etc but then his actions were distant, blunt and totally emotionless. I asked him why he stopped being affectionate, he said he wasn't feeling it. Therefore, I had to put it right there for him to see that no matter what he said, his actions already gave us both the answer. Before I called him, I already knew that he wasn't in a position to continue in this relationship. In fact, I sort of knew already 2 weeks ago but as I love him so much and wanted to work things out no matter how difficult, I hung on. I said that given where he is at this moment and how he feels, there's just no where for us to go. If he can't feel affection for me and can't deal with the distance between us to the point where it annoys him to even have to make the effort to contact me or to have an on line/phone conversation, then where does that really leave us? He finally said that yes, we shouldn't be in a relationship and that he just can't do it anymore. We said our goodbyes and he said that his door will always be open for me and that if I want to contact him then do so and that he'll leave that up to me.

I do understand that he has things going on in his life (wanting to concentrate on a new career) and he feels like he can't cope with being in a serious relationship too especially a long distance one as he kept talking about how the distance was too difficult. The thing is, we were engaged and he had previously said to me that if I were over there then we would be married and so therefore, he was treating me as his wife already. I totally believed him and so now I'm left wondering, isn't people suppose to work at their marriages even if things are really tough? I know we did not legally sign on the dotted line but if the commitment was as strong as a marriage commitment, the paper is just a formality. Even if he does want to start a new career, then isn't it about making more adjustments as opposed to choosing one or the other? And even if there are pressures in the relationship, isn't that another part of trying to make it work no matter what? I don't understand it. I think there is something else going on because going by how he has been up to this point, he's just not a quitter! He always held so tightly to the belief that we would succeed, if anything, it was me who was always a little umm about things but he kept reassuring me, kept reassuring me that we can do this and then when I was finally in a place where I feel that we absolutely can, he quits!

I know that my own insecurities contributed to the break up as they caused a lot of pressure within the relationship over the past year (again, the distance) but, I always wanted to talk about it as I am not one of these people who cannot accept that I have flaws that I need to work on. I was always up-front about my issues and that I need to do something about them. I admitted that a lot of times, I was being unreasonable and irrational (like wanting him to spend as much time with me as possible) I do have pride and ego so it was difficult for me to express my weaknesses but on the other hand, I know it takes strength to do so and I'm not going to do anything half heartedly. I literally exposed myself totally (emotionally) because I felt that it was now or never.

A lot of the issues were linked to the distance (I'm in the UK, he's in the US) because when I am physically with someone, I think it's healthy to have your own nights out with the girls/boys etc so to maintain your own sense of identity. My main problem with the distance is that due to the fact that the only time I am in contact with him is when we communicate so therefore, I wanted as much as possible. I don't get to see him often so yes, I wanted as much time with him as possible. If I knew that I was going to physically see him later that evening, then I would have no problem with him going out and doing he's own thing. I just felt that we needed to make those adjustments and certain sacrifices if we really wanted to make it work. Looking back in hindsight, I was obviously wrong! Maybe I did expect too much? Maybe he did give as much as he could...

I am still trying to process everything in my head. I was physically with him just over a month ago, being introduced to all his family as his girlfriend and now, 4 weeks later, we're finished?? I have been going through all different emotions since the break up and they're not exactly in the order of the recovery phases. I am trying to push on despite all the hurt that I feel. The future that we planned has literally shattered into a million pieces. All I can say is, at least I have kept my self-respect and dignity by not waiting around and feeling like a doormat. I'm just so sad that he gave up on us.

MM, I would appreciate your views on this? Thanks