I have been going out with my boyfriend for over a year. Everything was going well and I thought we were both really happy. Two weeks ago we had made plans to meet and I was to make us dinner. He then calls me and sounds like a different person. He says that he has been feeling down and that the has been having doubts about everthing. He said that he wasn't happy with anything in his life at the moment. He said that he didn't want to have to have any obligations and that he needed space. He was crying on the phone and said that the didn't want anyone to see him in this state. He didn't want me to call over to him. We spoke for 2 hours. He told me that he was unhappy in work. His boss was roaring and him and some of his friends had been let go. He was crazy busy in work and work had given out more letters saying there would be more redundancies in June. He owns an apartment and has a high mortage so I think the stress of everything is too much. He said he has a black cloud over him. At the moment we have no contact. I said id give him space. It's really hard though as I miss him but he just wont share his feelings with me and has shut me out of his life.
Any help or guidance would be appreciated.
Hannah,
I know exactly how you feel!
I had protected my heart so much over the years that I didn't truly let any man close to me, and several wonderful men did try their best. But, this one man, a Town Police Chief suddenly came into my life and it was the most amazing experience - I had no idea that I was truly capable of falling in love so completely. It was an amazing 9 months that we were together. We never fought. We just were totally comfortable with one another. The last few months we were together he had changed becoming very depressed about stuff with work and his family. I asked if it was because of me because if it were I surely did not want to cause him any stress and for his happiness would kindly step aside if he needed space yet assuring him this was not what I wanted. He assured me that I was not adding to his stress or depression. I vowed to be there for him. But, he just slowly clammed up more and more. Soon we only stayed in not going out to eat just watching tv on weekends. He was always tired, hurt here or there and generally wasn't interested in socializing. Romatically, we still sparked, so I believed him that his depression wasn't me.
Then, I went on a business trip to the West Coast. I invited my boyfriend but he declined something about work. I took my son with me and we made a mini-vacation out of it. I spoke frequently to my boyfriend while I was gone. The evening my flight was to depart (I took the red-eye from CA to NC) I called and we spoke. He told me to have a safe trip, he loved me and would see me when I got home. That was the last time I spoke to him voluntarily on his part.
After I arrived home the next morning, he refused to communicate with me.
He would not respond to email, phone calls, messages. Finally after two weeks, I just went to his house to get a few of my personal things. At first he acted as though nothing had even happen (the weeks of non-contact didn't transpire). Then he began to sob! Not cry, sob! I was totally shocked. Nearly speechless. This is a man who runs a Town, handles murders, robbers, rapists, drug dealers and carries two loaded guns on him at all times - he was sobbing totally beside himself! I didn't know what to do!
I asked what was wrong. He said that he loved me but the relationship had run its course and it was time to move on. That I was too smart to be with him (he is a Police Chief with a 2 year degree and 8 years older than I) (I am 45 and a very classy CEO with a Master's Degree). He went on to say that I could do so much better than him and he wanted more for me. That one day, I would wake up and realize he was no longer enough to make me happy and he couldn't handle that so he had to end things now before he got in too much deeper than he already was.
He had told me a few weeks earlier that he was severely depressed. His doctor had taken him cold turkey off thyroid medication which is highly unusual. He said things, that I remember now that I didn't put too much weight in back then, like "I can't give up smoking right now - its the only thing in life that gives me pleasure". Which just shocked me! He was so depressed that I wondered if he might harm himself.
I couldn't respond I was so stunned! This is the only man I have ever been in love with - he rocked my world and made be absolutely glow with happiness. How he could even think such things I hadn't a clue. I tried to reassure him that nothing could be further from the truth as far as I was concerned. Finally, he asked me not to hate him. I couldn't hate him - I love him. He wanted to be friends, I said whatever makes you happy. I truly loved this man so much that I wanted to do what was necessary to ensure his happiness and if it wasn't me then so be it.
It has been three months now. I think of him nearly every waking breath. I fell into a sad depression myself but I am not at the blackhole (I went there once when my daughter was raped six years ago - I won't go back to the blackhole again as I nearly didn't make it out last time - it is a scary place for me). I have no closure - I don't understand this "lightswitch" effect of falling in love with one person and one day here is another person. I have found myself questioning everything I do and second guessing myself - like well if I allowed this man to fool me so badly I really have no good judge of character - how could I be so stupid. But, I am tired of this pity party and I am strong and I will survive and have great days again!
Now, if he sees me, he turns and walks away. If on business, my company does a lot of work for the Town he runs, he see's my vehicle in the parking lot and he drives up, he drives right on out of the parking lot. He won't return a call, answer an email, or acknowledge a nice card (with no strings attached and nothing inappropriately said) to congradulate him on progress in a murder investigation very close to the community.
Today, I accidently clicked on his cell number trying to reach one of my subcontractors on my cell - he hung up the phone on me.
I don't know if he is seeing someone else, really is depressed, or truly felt the way he says and was scared - who can explain such bizarre behavior. My son laughed today when I told him of the Chief (that is what I called him) hanging up on me (he knew it was me via caller ID) as my son said "Mom, he was supposed to be so bad walking around with two loaded guns on his side at all times - yet he is afraid of you - what's up with that!" We both got a little laugh.
I loved this man with all my heart and unconditionally. I know that at some point he loved me too. I just don't know where the man I fell in love with disappeared to and when this stranger took over his body. The man I fell in love with was warm, passionate about life and love, kind to everyone, generous heart, high character, with a warm soul and I believed in him unconditionally. He made my smile bigger and brighter. I felt safe in his presence. I miss him terribly.
Today, knowing he hung up on me intentionally, I have resolved there is no excuse for being plain out rude and disrespectful. I did absolutely nothing to deserve this treatment from him. I won't allow him to steal my sunshine any longer. I have done all I can to let him know he is loved but he is not interested. I did not do anything to this man but love him and believe in him. He has been incredibly disrespectful, unkind and spiteful to the extent I have no comprehension how another person can treat someone that way. He has lost my respect as a person. It didn't have to be this way. It is so sad.
I have a good friendship with my ex husband of 21 years - we don't see each other or talk a lot at all but he is kind and nice as I am to him. I have remained friends with all my boyfriends and dates in the past three years (about 12) we are kind and respectful towards one another and if I ever needed anything not one would hesitate to be there for me. But the only man I fell in love with and who captured my heart, he just walked all over the memory of what we had and ripped to shreds without any respect for what I held for him as a person. I won't ever understand this.
I've decided not to date for a while. I need time to regain my inner peace and glow. It will take me a long time to get past this (the suddeness, the non-closure, the loss - it has been like mourning a death to me). I never understood, what I used to think were spineless women who would take back mean boyfriends - I was like - have more respect for yourself let the dirtbag walk on! Now, the tables are completely turned because even now if the Chief were the man I originally fell in love with came to my doorstep I would welcome him back and cry happy tears. I want to slap myself!!!
I will smile and be happy - because I am worth it and I deserve it!
You are too - don't forget that!
We both just loved completely - it is their loss.
But, I am grateful that I did have the good part of the experience I had with the Chief because now I know that I am capable of such intense and completely fulfilling love. I know someday I will experience this again, in a bit of a different way, with someone who appreciates it.
People looking at me see a woman with it "all together" with "everything" so to speak. But the man that I love broke my heart and just left with not a word. The depression, I think made him a shell of himself. It has a tendency to crush us, it did me. And, I am a relatively strong woman.
We will get over this, learn from it, and move on.
We can't allow their actions and lack there of, to fill our hearts anger and hate - we can't allow them to have that kind of control over us. If we do, in time, we will end up unhappy and depressed too. We will become them - and I for one have too much grace and character with a warm soul to allow that to happen!