Sunday, June 27, 2010 Rahul asks

Q: I m depressed and jealous as my girlfriend has landed in a high paying job ..

I have always been a person with low self esteem. I was brought up in a household in which my mother was a house-wife and there was a tumultous relationship between my father and mother.On occassions my father vent his frustrations by physically abusing my mother ,as my mother made derogatory remarks about my fathers personality,family and for being not masculine enough(not sexually).This had been registered in my mind since my childhood and had made a big impression. I developed a very fragile self-esteem due to which I often react aggressively if I am ignored or insulted. Seeing the relationship between my parents I had resolved to be the man my mother wanted my father to be masculine, someone people would respect and moulded my whole life on those lines. My mother also used to blame my father also for not encouraging her to complete her education ,as she was a good student.She often compared him to her father who had a strong personality and was rich ,while my father came from a poor family.They were married when she was very young through a arranged marriage as was the custom in our society then.There were many sleepless nights in my childhood when my parents fought like crazy and which often ended in my father physically abusing my mother.Back then I used to blame my father for everything.But as I grew up I couldn't decide who was to blame and now I feel it doesn't matter whose fault it was as my father has turned into a very dormant person since many years now.Here I must mention that as parents they were both very good and managed to make all of their children succesful.But I have always been insecure all my life fearing I would not be treated with the respect which I want from my wife too.My girlfriend being more succesful than me scares me now. I am vey insecure at the thought of being subjected to insult by her as my wife.Moreover her habit of comparing herself to me terrifies me.She was an ordinary student and managed to be succesful by her sheer hard work later.So she often measures herself against me as I was very sucessful as student."But what if I am not as succesful as her?" this question has been haunting me and I am considering breakup.Moreover I feel the more I tried to become unlike my father the more I have become like him.The same diffident person, who speaks very little and very poor interpersonnel skils,no close frends althhough he was a very good technically. The same resons which contributed to so much unhappiness in my life as a child. I have told no-one of these things in my life ,not even my girlfriend due to her constant portrayal of her parents being perfect and having never witnessed a fight. I fear she won't respect my parents if she comes to know of this stuff.I don't know if there is solution to my problem .But this is the first time I am lettting it out and feels a bit better.I would like to know if anyone can helpme ..shud i break up

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Answers (4)

Merely Me, Health Guide

6/27/10 1:48pm

Hello Rahul

First of all I commend you for writing this. You are very honest and genuine and also articulate in describing the issues before you. May we ask if you are coming from an Indian cultural background? It does help to know of any cultural standards which may also influence your feelings about all this.

What we first witness as children about primary relationships is so very critical...it does shape who we choose as romantic partners and why. But please know that you do not have to resume the legacy set by your parents. You have a choice as to how to shape your character and what sort of man you wish to be.

I am going to ask a very honest question. Do you feel resentment towards your mother for how she treated your father? And is there any resentment towards your father for how he abused her?

The thing about relationships is that they are works in progress. At any one time...one partner can be "more successful" than the other or make more money. But in a healthy relationship these things will not matter so much as you are both working together towards a common goal.

Is your girlfriend someone you are considering for marriage? Do you love her? Can you imagine life without her?

If you are serious about this relationship you will have to re-think your views on who makes what money and re-define success. Also...if you carry this theme into other relationships I am afraid they will not work out. This is a great opportunity for you to change your mindset before you do repeat the mistakes of the past.

Ask yourself...would you really want a woman who did not want to be successful? Is your self esteem so fragile that you need to feel as though you are better than your romantic partner? This may be the case but...I fear even if you have things as you think they should be...you will still find ways to be jealous.

I think you need to get away from the competitive mode of thinking and into thinking that you two are a team and your success is her success and that her success is your success.

You are highly perceptive and most people would not come to the connections of your past as you have. Now that this insight and change the course of your life. You are NOT your father. You are you. And your girlfriend is NOT your mother. Be freed from those comparisons.

I hope this helps a little. I am hoping for some male viewpoints on this. Please let us know your thoughts. We are eager to hear them.

Rahul

6/27/10 2:33pm

Hiii .. Firstly I am extremely grateful to you for reading my problem and taking interest in me.I am honesty surprised at the promptness.Your point of view is intriguing.Well regarding your questions now.Yes, I am an Indian and our society is yet to embrace the concept of female bread-winner whole-heartedly.Maybe the lack to couples with whom I can relate to is also affecting me a bit.

The resentment which I had towards my parents was different at different points of my life.As a child I blamed my father for the mess,while when I entered my adulthood I started to blame my mother a bit too.But now I don't blame them for anything as I feel it was a case of incompatibility and they were each trying to make the best out of what they had.Now just want them to be happy.

As regards my girlfriend I love my girlfriend like I can love no other girl and wanted to marry her until now.And she is someone who loves me like crazy too which surprises me sometimes:).But the fact that I cannot share her success with a happy frame of mind bothers me.Moreover the fact that she will be at a different location bothers me as I have always seen couples around me living together throughout their lives. I would also like a male point of view here as I feel this issue is being faced by more men, and men being men are suffering in silence.

Rahul

6/27/10 2:33pm

Rahul

6/27/10 2:33pm

Merely Me, Health Guide

6/28/10 4:19pm

Rahul...

Tell us more about her living in another location? I missed that part of things.

From what you say here...you love her like no other and she loves you. Part of being a man is defining yourself through the challenges you face...not just through your employment or how much money you make. I hope that you meet this challenge by doing the right thing for you both.

Talk to your girlfriend...be upfront and honest. She may be more understanding than you think. Love is a rare thing. Do not let it pass you by because of jealousy. You will kick yourself later.

I hope things work out for you both. Let us know what happens.

John Folk-Williams, Health Guide

6/27/10 7:32pm

Hi, Rahul -

I agree with Merely Me that you've done something very important in gaining the awareness you have about your childhood and its effect on your life. I know how hard it is to write all this down when you're feeling such personal tension, and I'm glad the writing itself has helped.

Depression triggered by feeling less successful than you want to be is very common these days for men. You're not by any means alone in this. It's not unique to you and your family past. Lots of men are having trouble with keeping their jobs and their self-respect as family providers. They feel weakened as men, especially when their wives and girlfriends go off each morning to better jobs than they have. That doesn't make it any easier for you, but I think it might be helpful just to know that so many others are going through something like your experience..

You've grown up with a keen sense of how you want to be regarded as a man, and that seems to mean being the main provider in your relationships and being the dominant personality. In some ways that goal may set you up for a lot of disappointment and depression. For one thing, the dominant man role - however you think of that - may not come naturally to you. You may be thinking that if you're not a strong man, the most successful and firm of character - at least in your household - then you must be a weak man. But there is a lot of middle ground between these two extremes. Merely Me mentions one - that of having a relationship with your girlfriend that is more like a team - a collaboration rather than competition. After all, creating a family means sharing responsibility in many ways - what the two of you are making is more than either of you could do alone.

Second, I think it's dangerous to build your self esteem on the need for success. Everyone wants and needs to feel effective at what they do. However, when you only feel good about yourself if others respect you as successful, your self-worth rises and falls with their opinions. You need a strong inner sense of who you are that doesn't depend on what anyone else thinks. Comparing your success to someone else's also puts the center of your self-respect outside yourself. When I'm depressed, I always compare myself to someone else who seems more successful than I am - and I come out as the loser, as if there were a competition going on. That's only in my mind, and it's a symptom of depression, not a realistic way live your life.

You really should try to discuss all your concerns with your girlfriend. It's sounds as if she may have the same outlook on herself that you do. It doesn't help either of you for her to compare how you stack up against one another. That's not the way a loving relationship is supposed to work.

Of course, I'm trying to relate my experience to yours, and it's easy to be off the mark. But I hope these ideas might be helpful.

Please feel free to stay in touch here - you'll find many people who want to help, and they have many different perspectives.

My best to you --

John

Ayinde

6/27/10 7:36pm

Hello Rahul, I like your name. Anyways you shouldn't feel the need to compete with your girlfriend you two are partners and should be working on whatever makes you both happy. I know it mind sound weird telling people that your g/f makes more money than you, and is higher up the ladder than you but in the grand scheme of things you are dating your g/f, not her job, or how much money she's making. There are plenty of stay at home dads or families where the mother is dominate "money maker," so you shouldn't be too worried about the stigma of the man of the house running the show. For all you know, thanks to you she had the courage to do what she needs to do to get that job you could have been the source of her inspiration. Also if you're planning on marring this girl then you should be able to tell her anything she can't read your mind (yet) so you should tell exactly how you feel.

Are you scared she might find someone else successful like her and leave you for them? Are you worried about the distance between you guys, long distant relationships can work if you want it to.

I know the past can be hard to deal with and I do believe one's past does affect one's future, but only you are in control of your own destiny, I know it sounds corny.

Also success can be measured in a lot of ways. I hope you don't think how much money you make equals how successful you are. How about being a super supportive boyfriend? High paying jobs usually means high stress, so I feel she is going to need you to be the confident, caring man she knows you are and try to let all the competitiveness go.

I'd rather have my g/f tell me she the CEO of Starbucks than the CEO of Burger King.

Sharon A

5/27/11 3:55pm

First of all, you have taken the first step towards getting help by speaking your true feelings to someone, and as you noted, it made you start to feel better.

I also grew up in a similarly tumultuous home with low self esteem and had what I thought was the world's biggest "inferiority complex." Probably the most important decision I made was to do whatever it took to heal my childhood and to learn to love myself unconditionally. Unconditional self acceptance is the key to healthy self esteem. It is a life long journey but everyone is on it, whether they know it or not. Even Oprah said that "Worthiness is a life long journey."

I had many years of therapy and workshops and seminars but not everyone has to go that route. I believe you do need at least one person that you can tell anything and everything to without fear of judgment or "loss of face." The more you love yourself, the more you will find people treating you better. The more you heal your childhood wounds, the less you will be like your father & mother!

"Forgiveness is the key to happiness" as A Course in Miracles says, but first you must tell the truth about all the pain, and then you can let it go. I have learned that everything can be healed if you make the decision to do it!

The other piece for you to consider is that all your fears about how you measure up against your girlfriend and how she is going to treat you are based on ego, not love. If you also set your intention to live with an open heart, to "come from your heart" rather than your head, you will find your ego taking a back seat. The ego is not bad, it just wants to protect us from situations that it thinks will hurt us, but by trying to protect ourselves we make people want to attack us.

It's a paradox :) Also in ACIM--"In my defenselessness lies my strenth."

Blessings,

Sharon

Q: I m depressed and jealous as my girlfriend has landed in a high paying job ..

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