Spouse depressed; is this normal?...

Hi, I just happened to stumble across you post when I goggled "depression spouse."  Yours was at the top of the Google list!  I have been married for almost 25 years.  My husband has been depressed off and on, now mostly on, during all these years.  He has been seeing a psychatrist for 18 months, with little improvement and he is currently on a low dose of Lexapro and has been on Effexor in the past.

 

That said:  yes, becoming a hermit is normal.  Getting ready for work, going to work, and being at work and trying to appear as normal as possible, trying to do the best they can so they don't get fired....all of this takes a tremendous amount of emotional energy.  When he gets home from work, he disappears inside of himself.  The depressed are so emotionally spent, they have no reserves, nothing left to give.  

 

My husband sits in one of his two "chairs" and reads while watching TV.  He watches two shows at a time so there is never a good time to talk to him.  His chair is in the corner of the room so no one can approach him, touch him as they pass, and he can't hear you unless you come to him to talk.  

 

As for socializing, one a month is tops for us.  We used to entertain friends for dinner at our home once a month.  Now, never.  We see the same group of friends (3 other couples) once a month for dinner.  He knows when this is scheduled and is "on" when he walks in the door.  He is "off" as soon as we walk out of the door.

 

What you are experiencing with your husband is normal behavior for depression.  How long has it been going on?  When was his last episode?  Has he recently gone on/off any meds?  Has he even seen a doctor about this?  

 

I would recommend you read the book "How You Can Survive When They Are Depressed."  

 

Remember, it's not you.  And, it might not ever be better than it is today.  I am trying to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life like this.

 

 

If anyone can answer these questions about a Spouse being depressed and what we go through as they are depressed, please help.  I have been looking and looking for the answers, as I don't know how much more I can take.  I thought I must be the only one going through verbal abuse, and I also give it back, when I don't mean too.  He'll yell at me about money saying how we lost some at the casino and how bad that is, than two hours later say, "Want to each take $100 and go to the casino", as an example.  I finally told him, I cannot go to the casino and than come home and be yelled at for losing money, as it makes me cry.  There are so many things I don't understand.  He blames me for everything, our marriage going bad, sex, just everything, and I don't know how much more I can take.  He even has talked to our grown children and makes it look like I am the bad guy.  He tells me I have depression, and I have been to five doctors because of what he says, and everyone says "I am not depressed".  My husband is going to a doctor and is on Effexor XR.  He is to the point of taking 1/2 of the dose as he has been going to this doctor for two years.  The doctor has told me he cannot do a lot for him as he (my husband) insists on drinking along with the med.  My daugter, a teacher, said that she would rather see her dad like he is now, drinking and all, than he was before when he was just taking the med.  They don't know what I go through, except I told them they will eventually know what is going on.  Like his drinking and verbal abuse.  I even went to AA to try to understand, and the mental health doctor told me I might find someone else there with the same problem.  My husband and I went to the mental health doctor, first me alone, than the two of us, the first thing my husband said to the doctor, "she needs to be put on some med for her depression".  The doctor said, "I don't think so, not at this time".  We quit going as my husband didn't feel we were getting anything from this doctor.  Marriage help.

I guess I'm begging for help on how to understand this situtation and be a better wife and be able to help my husband.  If anyone out there has any advise, I will gladly accept it.  Thank you.

Hi. Sorry you have to go through this.  As a person living with it i can tell you it is no picnic. When someone (and I am generalizing here, i am not a professional. just going off of my experience) is depressed, they feel unworthy. I have a fantastic group of genuine friends who care for me, but when I am depressed I cut myself off.  I feel paranoid, as if they no longer like me. I stop calling and talking to them. I go into complete isolation.  I am on medication but I do the stupid thing occassionally and stop taking it when I feel good sometimes.   He may really feel like something will happen.  You don't think rational thoughts when you are depressed.  It affects every part of your life.  You feel like you don't care about anything or anyone, because no one cares about you. I have a husband and 2 kids and sometimes life is hard. 

 

Maybe go to the Dr. with him and help him make a decision.  Even if he feels like he doesn't need medicine, he does.  Offer to go to the Dr. with him and tell him you are there.  He may still resist, but please don't get angry with him.  I know when my husband asks if I took my pill, it just sets me off. 

 

It's not easy by any means.  You are going through so much and I feel for you.  Maybe you can find an online support group that you can vent so you don't feel so alone.

 

Good luck.

Sephora:: I am seriously, chronically bi-polar, and your descriptions of your husband's life are chillingly parallel; I've been living this for 40 years, although diagnosed & treatment for only 20....I love my wife dearly, and was completely honest with her about my disease upfront...it would seem that we have needs which the other fills, so we are together 8 yrs & counting.....Yes, all of the above are true...but we have built signals into our lives that allow for understanding, & coping. For instance, she knows that I cannot do public things but once in a great while, so a wedding for a friend next month  will be attended by her & our son, while I play chauffeur & wait for a call when they are ready to come home...Yes, I can rail mightily,for no reason, but for the sake of my son, I hide myself as best I can before exploding...&, no, I don't have to feel angry at someone before the fire comes...the fire is always there with me.. Happy is a funny word; maybe safety, contentment, or just a bit of understanding that the world doesn't afford us is a better description... To end.....there is nothing  you can do to help him get better....except to love the good things about him & understand that every day he lives, whether he says so or not....he owes to you.....Peace!!  dflat

 

PS ( dflats wife here)

Always remember that no matter what he says in a depressed time it has nothing to do with you and his true feelings for you. You must find it in your heart and mind to wipe the slate clean after each and every time. It will happen and you will hurt but know that deep down he lashes out at the disease not at you. 

 

 

I am actually in a unique situation I think, but then again maybe not.  I have not only been through having a spouse struggle through some things that are close to what you are describing, but I have been through depression myself.  I can therefore see both sides.  I read your post to my husband who agreed that it is in fact normal to isolate yourself and become a hermit when depressed, and that was my experience too.  It's actually kind of ironic, because when you're depressed you need others the most, but you don't want to feel the way you do around other people.  You just want to hide away, and wait for it to pass, but the more you isolate yourself the more it gets worse. 

 

For me the situation with my husband was even worse, because we were newlyweds when I realized what he was going through, and we had had a very short courtship before we got married, so I didn't know him as well to begin with.  I had always turned to journals to express my feelings when I was unhappy (and happy too).  So when I saw him turning inward and he wouldn't talk I would write my feelings in my journal, and then leave it open for him to find and read when I wasn't right there.  That seemed to help, not only for me to express my feelings and hurts calmly to him, but for the door to open for him to express his feelings to me on his terms when he felt up to it.  Just remember that the "reality" of a situation when you're depressed is affected by the depression, and that no matter what hurtful things he thinks he means at the time, it is affected by what he is going through.  Please don't give up on him, instead learn from what he is going through, and find a way toward working on him "getting better". 

My husband would also like me to add that sometimes medication is needed to help the situation, maybe not forever, but at least in the beginning.  But that would be something to discuss with a doctor, as far as which medication, and how long that it is needed.  And it is NEVER ok to just take yourself off antidepressants cold turkey, and without talking to a doctor.  My husband learned why the hard way, and it wasn't good.

 

I hope this helps, as I wish someone had told me this almost 9 years ago when I went through it with my husband, who by the way is still my best friend and soulmate.  It has taken a long time, and we still struggle at times, but we are in a much better place now then we were then.  God Bless all who read this!

Hi,

I am the 'depressed' person and my husband (i guess) is the depressee.

He complains that I shut him off and ignore him as well. But i've tried to

get through to him to just leave me alone for awhile and I will come out of it

when I am ready. I know that sounds selfish but it's better than him forcing me

out of something when I'm not ready to and it all ending in a fight because I

don't have anything to give. I am a full time mom and I give all day to my child. Id on't have alot left over at the end of the day. Also, I also have been battleing

depression for a number of years all which started when I lost my dad. Then the losses

in my life started to increase...best friend, close friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles,

brothers...etc. i don't deal well with loss. I need to heal and I need space to heal.

I also get into isolated times when I feel I am trapped and I don't have any freedom.

i need to have some free time to myself to get a grip back. but what doesn't help

is that my spouse takes it personally and tries to force things between us when i am not ready. I just want to make a point to be patient. The depressed person will come around when you're not constantly trying to bring him around. Just my opinion from by own experience. Also, I have tried to talk to my husband and explain what would make things better however I always get an argument in return on the lines of..."I don't see why you would need that you have this"...so I have given up trying to talk because he doesn't want to hear me anyway. So I've become dismissive and that also makes things worse.

I have been dealing with a depressed spouse for eleven years and what you are going through is the same thing I experience. From all I have read, this is totally normal. It has to be one of the hardest things I have experienced. We just went through a suicidal bout and it is incredibly exhausting. We are seperated now and he is living with a friend and even though it hurts it is nice to have peace restored in the house. I plan to wait awhile before I make a definite decision but I can understand why spouses question whether to stay or not. I think the best thing is to recognize when the depression is causing your health to take a hit. You have to be important as well. If you take good care of yourself you will be able to help him and not react to the hurtful things that come from this terrible disease. If it becomes too much you have to think about yourself first. Finding support in family, friends, therapy, online or local support groups will help you get through this and help you with any decisions you make. Unfortunately, support groups for people with spouses suffering from depression are not as common as I personally think they should be. As more of us talk about it, I think that will change. I am in the process of trying to start a support group here in Edmonton, AB. I think we can all benefit from meeting people who are going through the same things we are. Wish you all the best! You are far from alone.

Deppression is a horrible illness and it isn't about him not loving you, moodiness, irritablity, detachement, distancing yourself is all about the way you feel or should I say the lack of what you feel, you lose your emotions can start to become very withdrawn and burnt out, I have suffered with manic deppression all my life, they call it the Black dog, the reason for that is because all you can see in you head is a void, there is nothing else in there but a void and a very horrible isolated feeling, sometimes when I was in crowds, I couldn't even hear what people were saying to me, I could see their mouths moving but what they were saying I didn't have a clue, I could hear them sometimes saying to me, you don't care etc, I didn't know what they meant by that, I couldn't full stop I couldnt cry and all i wanted to do was to die. So this is what deppression feels like and without support from a mental health unit you can end up with so many complexes about everything which is not right, people can't help getting deppression it happens and it is a brain illness with symptoms that seem to really affect your emotional state. I think you need to be very strong and realise that the illness makes people seem like they don't really care, but they do care they just can't express it and it is very confusing for people, I also found it hard to recognise faces, I can assure you it is a very complicated feeling. Seek help and don't let your marriage fail for the wrong reasons, I know it may be hard being with this person you don't recognize but I hope what I have written here will help you to understand how your partner is feeling inside right now and all I can say is try to maintain your own activities and still see friends and just respect his space right now, but as a rule I would call a mental health specialist and see if you can get him to consider some therapy to give him as much support as he needs, you will not be able to do it. Also, it can happen to anyone, it is not you that is at fault, so the best I can say is don't be too  hard on yourself or think he does't love you anymore. When he gets better maybe you can pick up where you left off, in the meantime try to be strong and get some people on side. good luck love

 

Hi Everyone,

I, too, am living with a partner battling long term depression and anxiety.  It is so hard to see the person you love feeling the way they do. It is so emotionally draining. He also lashes out at me and at time our children. It does get exhausting trying to help understand that it is the disease that is talking and not him. I have also had the added difficulty of getting over infidelity on his part. With his depression, he feels so unworthy, that he is convinced that I will never stay with him. As well, he always thinks the grass will be greener elsewhere. So, last year I found out he had been cheating on me for over a year. Added on top of everything else it was almost impossible to bear. But, we have stayed together muddling through. I 'think' the affair is now over, but I also have major trust issues to deal with. Nothing has really changed for him with his depression issues and feelings about himself so it is hard for me to believe the affair isnt continuing or that it may not start up again. On a positive note, he did just start a 8 week inpatient treatment program for depression and anxiety. I am hopeful that this will be beneficial to both of us. I love this man so much, but also too, struggle with how much I can take.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone dealing with depression.

I have read each one of the entries above and something that each of you have said i can relate to.  i have suffered from depression for about a year and a half now.   not a long time i know but it has felt like forever.  i am very lucky to have the love and support of my boyfriend and my mom.  they have never left my side once.  I cant tell yo what depression is like, i can never seems to find the right words to describe it.  one day is never the same as the next and you have to take it one moment at a time.  i have experienced so many different, confusing, and terrifying emotions.  sometimes i feel like im trapped in a grey tinted glass box.  i can see out but no one can see in.  i can scream and shout and bash on the glass until im utterly emotionally exhausted but no one comes to rescue me.  sometimes i get so anxiousi it feels as though im being suffocated and i just cant get free.  it has effected my life in every single aspect of my life.  i have kept this a secret from my family except my mom and my boyfriend.  getting up, going to work and working a full day is incredibly hard.  i dont know what your husband does, but i have a very stressful job and sometimes i just cant do the simpliest thing nevermind having a loving relationship, that just expects too much from me.  i just cant do it and i shut off, i isolate myself, i become incredibly tired and grumpy and i snap and lash out.  it upsets me when i do, well i know i should be upset but i have this lack of feeling going on and its so hard to be affectionate and to show your partner the love they deserve.  he does love you and i promise you this is is tearing him up as much as it is you.  depression is a contridiction....you say you love someone and you do but you can feel it, cant express it and you cant behave the way someone who loves somebody does and that confuses you and it hurts you and no matter how much you try you cant change.  i found it easier to let go and just go with the flow, tomorrow might be better or it might be worse but the coin will flip even for a moment and you can feel what you should even just briefly and you have to hang on to that and you just cant let go.  sometimes i hate people telling me they love and value me.....i hate them saying that but thats what i want to hear, thats what the normal me loves to hear. 

 

all i can say is give him space, i know that is hard as you have needs as well but just try.  let me know you love and support him and no matter what you are there.  i think read as much as you can and learn more about this dreaded disease that rippes your life apart.  understand that this is not him and he reacts in ways he doesnt want to.  he does see that it hurts you but he doesnt have the energy to make it right.  emotion and experiencing emotion is hard and sometimes its just not there and you cant change that.  i hope what i have said has helped you.  i can only share my experience with you....its hard, the hardest thing i have had to do and there are days when i just want to shout out i dont love you and leave me alone but that is a lie.  im am incredibly lucky to have the support and love i do, the most understanding, sensitive man by my side that does not expect me to do or be anything and i can not give up on that because that would mean giving up on me and my life and my dreams and i just have to hang on to the little good things that happen and they do, not as often as i would like but we are getting there.  you need to understand that your relationship is demanding and sometimes you cant meet that demand as much as you want to, when you cant you get frustrated, which makes you angry and you isolate yourself as you dont have the emotional capacity to deal with it.  regarding the social issue that someone mentioned.  the last thing you want to do when you can not do yourself or your life is to do a dinner party, try and keep that in mind, it is also good to try and be social it does help, there is that contridiction again!!  ry and do it with as little pressure as possible.  with me know one knows so i have the pressure of hiding it and being "normal" and "happy"  and with the people that do know you feel like you are constantly being watched. 

 

i hope this has helped you, it has really helped me to read what you have all written.  its comforting to know that what im going through is normal for this illness and when its bad will be something to hang on to.

 

dont give up!!!hang in there.

xx

Hi everyone. I have been for 23 years. My husband has suffered from depression thru our entire marriage but the last few years have been very hard. He has now been unemployed for almost 9 months. The last year he worked they allowed him to work from home but it was more because there wasn't any work and they knew that they were going to be letting him go at the end of the year. My husband could sense that he was going to be losing his job so the depression and anxiety attacks came strong and fast. I had to call 911 in December because I thought he was having a heart attack. There are a lot of things going on in our family life, my 19 year old daughter had a baby in January and my 22 year old son had cancer for the 2nd time last August. Our beautiful grandson has really helped save my husbands life. Since he is unemployed he gets the privelage of being able to watch his grandson while my daughter works fulltime.  

Hi everyone. I have been married for 23 years and my husband has suffered from depression our entire marriage. He has been on medication for the depression for years. The last few years have been exceptionally hard for him so they have had to increase his medication. The mood swings, being down right mean at times and the start of anxiety attacks in late 2007. In early 2007 the writing was on the wall for his contract not to be renewed at the end of the year and it wasn't. He has been unemployed since January 2008. My 19 year old daughter became pregnant in 2007 and we had our first grandchild born January 2008. My daughter was on bedrest for the last 2 months of her pregnancy. My 22 year old son had his 2nd bout of cancer in August 2007. With all that said, his employer allowed him to work from home not only because of these issues but also the lack of work. With gas prices soaring at the time, they allowed him to work from home. In December of 2007, the stress of losing his job, our daughter, the holidays just built up that one night I had to call 911. I thought he was having a heart attack. It ended up being a really bad anxiety attack. He has since received medication that he has on hand at all times in case he feels another attack coming on. They happen often. My husband is lucky in that he gets to watch our grandson everyday but that is also the only thing right now that keeps him going. I have been more than supportive for 23 years. I pick up any slack that happens when he is extremely down. I give him his space. When I know it is really bad I just sit with him. I don't pry a conversation out of him because that is not what he needs.  The depression is also not something that you can say, it will be ok honey, things will turn around. It is not that simple. Ever since the beginning of the year, is alcohol consumption has increased tremendously. His mom has been treated for alcoholism and I remind him that he needs to be really careful with that. He says that once he gets a job that all his drinking habits will change. Since the weather has become warmer here, he spends a lot of time out with the neighbor guys. They have fires at the fire pit every Friday and Saturday night. There has been many weekends where I have had to go get him at 2:30 to 4:30am because he is so tanked he has a hard time walking home. Also, we have no sex life anymore. The medications that he is on does not always allow sex to happen so his solution is to just not even try. I have suffered from depression in the past and have been lucky enough to get off the medications and stay out of depression. It has not been easy.

 

Right now I am feeling really guilty because I am tired of trying to pick him up all the time. He has no problem socializing with the neighbors but it is like it is ok for him to only be depressed around me. This is the worst his depression has every been and I don't know how much longer I can handle being the supportive wife. I love him to death but he really starting to drag me back into the depression I worked so hard to stay out of. I have recently started a new job and I can't even get him to ask me how my day was because he is not working and doesn't want to hear it.

 

I know depression is a disease and my husband is taking medication; which is a good thing,  but refuses to go to counseling. Sometimes just medication does not help.

 

Is this normal? I have read all of the answers but I am wondering if I am the only going thru some of my husbands symptoms of depression.

 

 

 

Sephora and others,

I, too, am a spouse, and can read my life through everyone's messages posted here.  I have recently been looking online for support as it is difficult for friends and family members to truly understand if they have never lived with this personally.  I have been a counselor in the past, so I thought I was better equipped to stay happily married to a depressed spouse with just the "normal" roadbumps of life.  I recently realized that although I may have a fuller understanding of the disease itself, it didn't and can't prepare you for the emotional toll that the disease takes on the spouse and the family.  

 

My husband and I haves been together about 18 years and things have progressively worsened for our marriage over the last 4 years.  He has been treated with anti-depressants for quite a few years (10 perhaps), and the depression has been "managed" to a certain degree.  I have recently accepted that dealing with his depression has quite likely triggered my own depression.   I just can't seem to "shake it off" like I once did when he made a nasty comment or got irritated with something minor. 

 

Now, here I sit, feeling hurt and alone and hopeless that our marriage will last if his behavior doesn't change.  And in the mix of all the normal life difficulties people have, his drinking has worsened.  But of course, as a person in denial would think, since I'm the 'counselor' , he thinks it's all me being too sensitive and just looking for alcoholism where there isn't any, and that his drinking isn't actually that bad.  His dad was an untreated but functioning alcoholic with the entire family in denial about for years.  Who also had undiagnosed and untreated depression.  So, genetically, we have an uphill battle in front of us for both diseases.  

 

There are times, days even, that I think I don't know if I can take it much longer, but I also have strong convictions about our 4 children needing both parents together, and as long as the verbal "abuse"  doesn't impact them so much,(often its during our 'conversations')  it's better to stay for their sake and give up my happiness and dream for a fullfilling marriage.  Isn't that what a good mommy would do?  Plus, the reality is, I still want it all work out--I do love him, but it can hurt sooo much. 

 

I wish I were stronger, being able to continue to set the behavior aside, and not let it impact me.  Someone earlier said to see the behavior as part of the disease and not the person.  And I was able to do that for many years, but, I am no longer able to do so.  Someone gave me the example, that it's like getting pricked with small needles.  At first it isn't so bad and it heals quickly.  And after awhile, after you've been pricked so much, even if it's always been small pricks, the pinholes become one big hole all together, and it can't heal until it's been treated.  I hope that with some counseling we can work towards the path of recovery for our marriage, and that his disease will cease to be such a detriment to our lives.

 

I just wanted to agree with everyone that the isolation, the behavior that seems to be so selfish and inconsiderate, the anger and irritation, the taking it out on the ones they are closest to them as their family members are "safe" and forgiving, are all part of the disease.  But, it still hurts, doesn't it?  I sometime wonder, why do I have to do this?  Put up with this?  And I keep coming back to, that God has a plan, and I don't understand it right now, but someday, for someone, it will have all been meant to be, and used for a greater good.  

 

I want to thank you all for 'listening".  How powerful it is in my healing to put these words "out there" knowing that someone may read it.  I hope we can all take care of ourselves, so we can take care of /be there for our spouses.  I try to hang on to the idea that if he had diabetes, I wouldn't give up because I had to cook a certain way.  I don't want to give up because of this disease. 

 

So if anyone has any good ideas on how NOT to give up, some practical ideas that works for them, I would LOVE it.  I want to be a survivor of this...not let it beat me and my marriage!!  Hang on to the glimmer of the person you fell in love with!!!  I pray that they are all still in there somewhere, still loving us, and that someday medical and pyschological therapies will be identified to help us all!!  Until then, I am thankful for sites like this that bring people together so we know we aren't 'crazy' and alone!! 

Depression of my boyfriend has hit me like a brick wall. It was a three week progression into his depression. First really tired and crabby, than just very mean and short, and finally the man I loved just faded. It was 1, 2, 3...I finally got him to admit his issue after 3 weeks of him saying he was fine.  Early on he said he would see his previous counselor, now he is trying holistic rememdies. He needs couseling but I think he is afraid of being medicated.

 

I am now feeling the affects of being the supporting girlfriend. I have awful chest pains which my doc confirmed are not health related but stress. Supporting a loved one who is depressed is a thankless job HOWEVER I cannot leave him alone. He has no friends...I have been his best friend for the last two years. The whole process is devasting for me because he used to come to me for everything, now he doesnt even think to call me.  Today I asked him if he missed and he said he didnt know. We used to spend every weekend together....we did everything together...now he just wants to be a loner at home and play online games. 

 

Because my own health is declining due to this I have decided to really back off and let him deal with this in his own way. I will check in with him maybe once or twice or week but I cant handle any more than that. I will do the best I can for now and invite him to do things but I have to think about my own health and needs.

 

I plan to be there for him if he comes out of this but if I have to will remove on because only he can change how he feels.

 

It is the saddest thing I have ever been threw. We had a perfect relationship and around this time we talked about getting engaged. Now that may never happen. He is the best boyfriend I ever had.... I told him this often. Now can only remind him.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years.  We had the kind of relationship that everyone said they wished they had.  We did everything together.  We tried to have children for 11 years and were finally blessed with twin girls.  I was so thrilled and felt they were going to have a great beginning in life with parents who loved them and had a great marriage.  Then, about 18 months ago, my husband became really depressed.  We went to the doctor and got him on anti-depressants.  He tried different ones for about 7 months and nothing was working and he was getting even more depressed, severely depressed.  He finally came to me and said that he was not in love with me anymore.  He left me at home with 16 month old twins.  He felt very confused because he was not sure if he felt like that because of the depression.  He decided that before the depression, he did feel love for me and decided to come home.  He has been home for 6 months and he is still very depressed.  The medication he was on numbed his feelings so much that he did not feel anything.  So, he stopped taking it.  The psychiatrist gave him a new medication and we found a new counselor.  He is now saying he is not sure he is in love with me again.  I am going through this all over again and am just waiting for him to leave again.  It is so hard to deal with.  He has barely even connected with his children.  He does not want to do anything except go to work (which is confusing to me).  He says that his home life stresses him out.  I am not sure why, I do everything around the house, cook, clean, take care of the girls, pay the bills.  All he has to do is cut the grass every other week.  The girls are loud and chaotic, but, they are 2.  I am so confused!!  I do not know if the depression is causing his feelings of unlove toward me or if he just doesn't love me anymore and that is why he is depressed?  I keep reading that when you are depressed, you have no feelings toward anyone, but, I just do not know what is going on.  The thought of our family being torn apart kills me.  Everyone is shocked by this, no one could ever imagine that we could be headed for divorce, not us.  We were so close.........

I reallly don't know where to begin.  I didn't want to read the other replies and I will, as I've gone through this same type of error in my life.  My first husband got so bad that I had to divorce him.  Found out why his dr wouldn't treat him any more is because he said he wanted to hurt me and he did.  The kids couldn't understand it and took it out on me.  It drove me into a nervous breakdown and eventually I tried to take my own life.

 

Now, I am living with it again.  My new husband of 8 years has such bad mood swings.  He used to throw childish fits then one day, I took all I could and just exploded.  He was good for about a year and now though, it's getting bad with the mood swings that he literally makes me want to walk out in traffic.  End it all.  Depression effects the person loving you.  There is no doubt. 

 

We're partners in a business and I believe you take one day at a time.  As long as you are trying, put a smile on your face and help others.

 

Not him, he doesn't like it when I am happy, smarts off to me if I make a joke.. says "Real funny, Alice"  Really sarcastic all the time.  Belittles me as he is smarter than me.  Has me to repeat my self like he didn't understand a question.Complains all the time like he's dying. 

 

The other day, he got so bad on the phone about an order I placed that I hung up on him and I telephoned the main man and said I want the .... order by Jan 1.  We didn't talk much when he returned to the office but I knew he was way out of line. 

 

When I hung up, I was by myself in the office and I stomped, I screamed, I yelled.  (no one can hear from outside and I have a door bell in case someone would open the door).  Then I got a call from  my supplier which is a good friend and told him how I felt.  He has noticed my husbands mood swings too.  He too has been frustrated with his outburst and judgment.

 

We stopped doing nothing as far as enjoying life; bowling, etc. We used to play Scrabble until I started beating him and now he won't play.   If he has to be in the office with me, I grab my purse and leave.  He drives me crazy to the point of killing myself.  I know that when I do good in sales, he is sooo happy.  I tell him how important it is to get our letters out but he keeps interrupting me while I am working so if he does this all I know to do is leave.  This week I am taking off with the sister cause I know he's going to make me miserable.

 

He's always right.  I'm always wrong according to him and when he  find he is wrong, by that time he's already hurt my feelings.  There's no end to his attitude.  Of course, I keep taking and taking until I explode, hang up on him but it has gotten to the point I making payments on a grave plot and want to get my Will done.  And of course I am leaving all the life insurance to him sooo he can find happiness at least for one year if something happens to me.  I am exhausted.

 

I don't have any solution for you but I just hope you can get through it and if not, I hope you are young enough to find someone that can be a sole mate.  I have friends that have sole mates.  It's sooo wonderful to see cheerful people!  Sure, I have a whole lot more to say.  I don't leave here because we agreed to open up a business and I am 49.  Just where am I going to go?  I faithfully open every morning and close or stay open if someone comes in.  He wanted me to come in earlier and I said NO.  I work through lunch.  When we close... nothing happens.  Absolutely nothing. 

 

I do know that when I blew up, he thought stwice but I am tired of that.  Why should I have to do that.  I like being happy.  I like being around people that laugh!  But because we are one, it has it effects on me.  I tried with my first husband, begging him to help out etc.  I went to work; he stayed home; the kids would tell on him.  "Daddy stayed in bed all day or run around the neighbor hood talking with women."  The kids asked me one day "Mom, if daddy went out on you what would you do"?  I said, "I'd tell the woman, lol, to KEEP him"!  It just got to that point.

 

 

I have just read through all of the responses and it has helped me to realize that I am not alone in what my husband and I have recently been going through. It also helps to confirm my suspicions that my husband is depressed.

 

Over the past month my husband has gone from withdrawn and moody and giving me the "silent treatment" to lashing out at me and blaming me for everything he perceives as wrong with our relationship, to telling me he feels "empty" and has no feelings for me anymore. He tells me that he feels like he has lost himself and that he needs some time away from me to find out who he is and forge a life for himself. He also indicated that he can't promise that once he finds out who he is that he will want to continue to be married to me. We have only been married 8 months and now he is telling me he thinks that we rushed into it. This has all been very difficult to hear as you may imagine. Even though in my head I realize that it is the depression talking I can't help but respond emotionally to the things he is saying. As well, the degree to which he is pushing me away makes it hard for me to know how to help him. I know that he needs me more than ever right now but I don't know how to reach out to him when my very presence in our house is making him feel "pressured" and "confined". I am torn between giving him the space he says he needs and trying to be a loving supportive wife.

 

He has not acknowledged that he is depressed and has become quite upset when I tried to suggest it. He has also refused to come with me to counselling and has a history of refusing to go to any type of doctor or take any medication. I am not sure how to help him realize that he is indeed depressed and worry that even if he does come to that realization that he will not want to seek treatment.

 

cm 

Wow....I thought I was the only one going out of my mind, but what you are describing is what I've been going through with my wife.  We have been married for over 11 years. 3 years ago she developed aseptic meningitis and after being hospitalized woke up paralyzed from the waist down. She was diagnosed with transverse myelitis which stemmed from Lupus. After Chemo, lots of steroids and rehab she made a full recovery with only slight back pain every now and then. Her illness really helped our marriage grow stronger. She went on to complete nursing school and landed her dream job as a new grad in an intense ICU program. The long hours and stress of the program wore her down and 1 month into it she decided to quit after an instructor told her that "maybe the ICU wasn't the place for her", but "don't worry we'll find a nursing position for you somewhere else in the hospital." She didn't tell the instructor she had Lupus until she had resigned. From that night until now my loving wife has become a totally different person to me. In the past she was the one who did most of the talking, but now she only talks to me when I ask her a question... if she even hears me ask.  She responds negativly to me and answers my questions like I was a child. If I say I love you she will say "love you too", but she sounds so distant. When she's home she watches TV and seems irritated if I interrupt her program. She told me that we got married too fast(we dated for five years!) That we never really knew each other...we don't communicate....she says we never really did.  She told me that something happened to her at that job and now she sees things differently. She told me she is not physically attracted to me anymore. All this said, when we go see her family or I see her with her friends she is her old self...laughing,talking,happy.  When I asked her about that she told me "you act different to other people too"  We have been seeing a marriage counselor for about two months, the counselor told her that she had severe depression. but my refused to talk about anti-depressants. " I don't want to take those." I love my wife and I promised to be with her forever, but the acting so regular and happy with other people and then being so distant with me is really breaking my heart. I gave her flowers the other evening and you would of thought I gave her a bag of rocks the way she looked at me. This is not my wife, she used to grab me and kiss me and hug me in the grocery store. That was only 5 months ago. Thank you for sharing because now at least I Know that I,m not alone.

I am so glad I found this site! My husband and I have been married for almost two years, and he went through a major depressive episode right before our wedding.  I told him that I wouldn't marry him if he didn't start therapy and taking anti-depressants.  He did, and things were okay for a little while.  He's on Lexapro, and I was hoping that we were going to have a good holiday season, but of course, the holidays tend to make depression worse and remind him of all the bad family memories he had growing up. About a week ago, he was disciplining our dog excessively, and when I tried to stop him, he started yelling at me.  He had the dog chained up outside, sprayed him with water, and wanted to keep him out there all night.  I told him it was excessive and abusive and he accused me of trying to undermine his authority if I let the dog out.  This led to a huge fight which prompted me to leave the house and stay with a mutual friend for the night--a friend who is male, but a completely innocent friend of BOTH of ours, and when I came home, he raged at me for running to another man to discuss our marriage problems, which I admit probably wasn't the best idea, but it is was totally innocent.  I stayed gone because I was trying to honor his wishes in dealing with the dog and wouldn't be able to sleep in the house, knowing that our pet was suffering outside.  I took the dog to stay with friends for a few nights, and things seemed to calm down, but as soon as I brought the dog back home, my husband stopped speaking to me, saying that I chose the dog over him.  Now he wants to get rid of the dog and is being completely irrational.  He's turned into this other person, a man that I don't recognize and am finding impossible to love.  He's also been drinking too much, which makes the Lexapro ineffective.  I recently got off Birth Control pills because we wanted to start a family, but I don't want to bring children into a marriage that seems to be ruled by my husband's depression.  I love him so much, but I don't know how much longer I can take his rage and I don't think children deserve to have a father in this state.  I'm hoping that his therapist, who has been out of town for the holidays, will see him next week and help because I feel so helpless and so alone and like I have to keep this dirty little secret so we seem like the perfect couple everyone thinks we are.  I am so angry because we have a wonderful life and he doesn't seem to appreciate it.  I know that problems are normal in marriage, but his depression is our biggest issue, and frankly, I'm sick of it.  I want my husband back, but I don't know how long it will take and if it ever will happen.  And I really don't want to have children with a man who can't get better.

Thank you to all who have participated in this discussion!  I have had my suspiscions that what my husbands was experience was depression but now, after reading all of this, I am convinced.

 

We have only been married 1 1/2 years and I love him with my whole heart.  I will do anything to help him and hopefully get back some of our "old" life.  But it is so nice to know that I - as the spouse - am not alone and that in fact, what I'm experiencing is very "normal". 

 

 

I, too, have just recently discovered this website and I am so very grateful to everyone for sharing their experiences with depression.  It has been overwhelming to learn that so many partners & spouses have experienced the same kind of isolation / withdrawal / shut-down that I have now experienced several times with my partner of 9 years.  I honestly thought it was behavior peculiar to my partner's ineffective ways of trying to cope with life's stresses, disappointments, and traumas -- until recently I didn't even realize that his behavior is in fact symptomatic of depression.  It is still so hard for me to wrap my mind around -- how quickly and often inexplicably (at least to me) my partner will distance himself from me, resist my attempts at communication, meet my questions with irritated, frustrated responses, and allow weeks to go by without any contact at all if I don't initiate it (and even if I do initiate it, the contact does not usually go well).  Even though after 9 years I can see a pattern in his behavior, I still struggle to accept that his behavior has nothing to do with me and I do not cause it.  This latest depressive episode (which began about 5 weeks ago) has finally caused the light bulb to go on for me, as I recognize that my partner has a real illness he cannot control (even though in non-depressive periods, like last year, he has said it won't happen again).  But I'm once again in that nether-world, waiting (hoping) for him to come out of the fog and return to me.  I can't suggest to him right now that he see a doctor -- he won't even talk to me right now.  I can only wait and hope that he will return, and plan how I will lovingly encourage him to get help.  Thanks to everyone who has posted here for sharing your stories...I cannot state enough how much strength they have given me.  I finally realize that I and my partner are not alone in what we are going through.

Wow, it's like reading my own story. My husband has been depressed off and on for years I believe, but until last year we did not know it was Depression. He finally is going to the Doctor and taking meds but we are still waiting for them to work. Everyday it's like a roller coaster. I never know what he will be like when he comes home. he goes to work and will work extra hours too cause he says he hates coming home. I pray the meds work cause like most of these spouses I am holding on by the skin of my teeth. He thinks leaving will make him happy, but I informed him that would be stupid after 20 years of marriage, and I won't be there to clean up the mess once he changes his mind. He has nothing to do with our daughter (16) and she also feels the pain of this. All you can do is hold on get him to take meds and see what happens. Believe me I want my husband back cause I have no idea who this person who looks like is anymore.

I'm 26 and my partner (well kind of ex is 23) has a lot of family issues which i think have got to him over the last 6 months. I think he has been depressed for about a year but it's only come out since around xmas. We had an amazing relationship for four year but out of the blue he ended it with no clear reason. The last few months have been horrid for me. Since ending it he's text me many mixed messages - I'm on the emotional roller coaster he is on, up and down when he is because I love him so much. I'm down when he can't text and up when he can't get enough of me, I want it to work out. I just don't know what his head is telling him from one day to the next and I'm on the ride with him. He tells me he loves me but that it is 'different' and that he doesn't feel 'in love'! yet he still loves me, fancies me and wants me but feel emoty inside! I can tell when he texts me when the depression has hit  -it's like a robot or a different person texting me - no feeing or emotion in the words!! I deserve better, should I move on o let him know i'm here and feel I am being made a fool out of of??? God bless you all that have to g through this!!!!!

Hiay Sephora, i could have written your post myself

I have been with my partner for almost 6yrs and he has always been a bit down, but since the birth of our child, if not before things have gotten much much worse!

i take everything he says to heart and cry myserlf to sleep everysingle night. i just feel so helpless.

 

he is on prozac, but they are not doing anything and we are waiting for a referall to a specialist centre but that seems to be taking for ever!

 

i get what most of you discbire here, he talks of killing himself and wanting time alone, not wanting to work or be around anyone....but he too has like a light switch that he can flick on and for a short time be my man again....trouble is once its just us again hes back to the normal doom and gloom....which makes me blame myself even more!

 

i left him a couple of months ago when things got sooo bad, but came back cos i was so worried about him, for a short time 2-3days he was back, loving attentive and caring, but he is worse than eva now.

 

like many of you i really love my man, but i am sooo tired and i know now that i have to do something for myself because i too am giong insain! so i wrote him a long letter today explainign his behaviour how affects me and the children. I have also asked him to seek more help and told him that i really do love him and that i worry all the time abot him, but i need to make myself happy if not for me but for the children.

 

thank you to everyone on here, your posts have helped me realised i'm not so alone, because i am guessing like me, we all feel like we are totally alone and lost!

 

Good luck to everyone xxxx

hi, my name's emma,im 17, and im goin through the same thing right now, i shout and say hurtful things to my family and friends when and if i see them, because they are the closest thing i've got, so your hubby would rather lash out at you because he is scared of getting hurt and knows you love him back and hope's you will understand, i know its hard my mum tell's me all the time im being mean that im not the emma i used 2 be iv changed and not for the good, which hurts to hear that from the people you love and care for, but you have to put on a brave face like you can handle all this and he will start to feel ore secure and hopefully talk to you a little bit at a time and together you can can get to the bottom of what is making him depressed? even if he or you already know their are some questions he needs and wants answering but cant explain what they are because know matter how much he thinks about these questions he cant solve them on his own.. i hope this has been a little useful for you if not my appoligies x

These responses really have helped.  Since last summer, my wife essentially has crashed.  There are obvious possible reasons--we have had infertility issues, and medical interventions have either failed or resulted in miscarriages.  My wife also has been taking college courses that have worn her down terribly over the last few years, and with the economy, it looks as if she will have difficulty finding work in the field for which she has studied.  Ironically, several of her courses were in the field of psychology.  I have consulted her textbooks, and her behavior, over the past several months in particular, fits the DSM-IV definition of major depression perfectly.

 

The hard part is that we've known each other for seven years, and I barely recognize her.  The way she acts toward me and looks at me and speaks to me is devoid of affection, which is not her normal personality, and she is full of anger at everything in her life, which is also not her normal personality.  We have had almost no physical intimacy since the miscarriages, and it has been awhile since I have felt emotionally supported:  I feel like it has taken everything both of us have just to keep her going, and there's nothing left for me.   Sadly, my wife's response to all of this has been to blame ... me.  I have sacrificed considerably for my wife, to include spending hundreds of hours patiently helping her with her college courses.  I have been with her through the fertility processes every step of the way--she even commented that none of the husbands of the other patients ever was in the doctor's office.  I have supported her and believed in her when her own family did not, and love her very much, and have said so often, so I am left to sit in a hurt, confused anger.

 

I've told her that I think she is depressed, that this isn't her fault, and that medicine might be helpful (she already sees a therapist).  That didn't go over too well.  She wants to know how long I can tolerate this, and I told her that, as long as she's trying to get better, I will be by her side.  That didn't go over too well either.  I don't know what I can say, since everything I say seems to be unacceptable.  I am trying to decide whether couples counseling will help.

I have in the past expeerienced depression and anxiety at this point i am fine. My husband on the other hand is not. I am sitting in the same position you are. Unfortunatly it appears to me that people with depression think mostly of themselves. My husband is distant and sometimes rude. In a short time he has gone from saying I`m his rock to thinking he should leave the marraige. That hurts. I`ve decided it`s not about me. We are going to get him help. If he leaves I can`t stop him. But since I've also treaded through some tough times I undrerstand how it can seem hopless. It doesn't seem fair, but just like you I'm om this sight looking for support. Take time for your self

Hi all, Im new to this site and i would like to say thank you for all your posts i think u have saved my life. My story is much like yours, my husband has had major stress over the last year and he slowly withdrew from family life and social activities before unexpectedly leaving home and staying with someone he hardly knew. He says all his previous friends are against him and checking up on him and wont talk to them or visit them. He says the classic he loves me but is not in love with me and he needs to find happiness. He has been depressed in the past and has had a breakdown about 7 years ago and i see the same pattern only this time is worse. He now wants a divorce which to me is unbelievable as we were what everyone callede the "Golden couple". He wont believe anything is wrong and the most frustrating thing and upsetting thing is that everything u read says get the person help but i have tried everything with him and the doctors but its always a dead end, im so worried for him and our kids.

Has anyone come through this and got there wonderful husband/wife/partner back to there happy self co i cant see the end this time and i love him so much

 

Lady Lou

I could have written many of the above posts.  My husband of 30 years started drinking about 4 years ago and was diagnosed as bipolar by a GP after he answered a questionnaire.  His depression got worse after he started on the pills.  We moved to a new city 2 years ago for a great new job that he got.  But he was fired after working there 3 months.  Then he was demoted on the next job and on the 3rd job, he was fired after a few weeks.  None of this surprised me and the anxiety of expecting this to happen was worse than his not working.  In the past 8 months, he hasn't been able to even get an interview although he's sent out so many resumes.  He is so smart, with several professional degrees, but the depression has completely taken over.

 

My husband is like the grandparents in Willie Wonka.  He has literally lived in our bed for the past 8 months, eating there as well.  I got a job but my pay isn't great and his unemployment is running out shortly.  We won't have enough money to continue.  He is so mean to me even though he says I am his only support which is true because he has no friends or family.  At least he is seeing a psychiatrist now who says he wasn't bipolar and diagnosed him for depression.  He's on so many different pills and I think he abuses them.  His drinking has stopped (for now).  My threatening to leave finally sunk in when he drank the last time about a month ago.  He's a mean drunk.  We had a big fight the other day and I stopped trying to even talk to him so he went to see his doctor today who, according to my husband, blamed me for everything.  Should I make an appointment to see his doctor?  He met me once a few months ago and I don't want to go there trying to defend myself.  I think my husband should be committed and I thought of telling the doctor this.

 

I have a daughter who lives very far who has major mental issues as well.  She has basically cut herself off from the family.  

 

Besides all this, another adult daughter is very sick and lives with us.  She is in and out of the hospital and I am her only lifeline.  Her father refuses to go visit her in the hospital.  So, I am taking care of 2 sick people plus working a full time job (and being menopausal on top of that).  I am so worn out.  I just can't take much more of this.  My children (all adults) tell me to leave him.  But without me, I'm sure he'd do himself in.  I could very barely make it on my own and think about it constantly.  I would love to have the companionship of someone who could make me laugh and feel good about myself.  I feel like I'm a prisoner here with no end in sight.

 

How does a depressed spouse survive without support?

 

 

Sadly, I'm the depressed spouse in my marriage of 18 years.  I have been on and off for as long as I can remember.  I always thought I could snap out of it and have done a pretty good job of hiding it.  When someone has never experienced depression, they don't know how to deal with it.  Over the years, I would try to " reach out" and try to tell him how I was feeling.  It's very difficult to understand and help someone, when you don't know why they are hurting.  I've always held it back and suffered in the process.  It only makes it worse to pretend it doesn't exsist.  We are at the point where I don't know if I want to be married anymore, I'm finally in therapy, and alot of things are coming out from my past that are contributory to why I feel this way.  This is the worst bout I've dealt with in my life so far.  I'm afraid of the stigma attached with what's happening to me, I've been forbidden to tell anyone of the battle I'm faced with.  I have no desire to do the things I used to enjoy.  I don't want anyone to know I've felt suicidal, I don't want to be labled as " crazy".  We haven't really been speaking for the last week, and he's telling me that I'm pushing him away.  I almost don't care.  He wants to deal with what is going on with him.  Because of my depression, he's had to take on alot more responsibilty.  We have four children, why would I chose to "check" out?  There are alot of guilt feelings and resentment on both parts, I've asked if he wants to come with me to the therapist and he said it's not his problem, why should he go?  Yet in the same breath, he tells me we should be a team.  I'm tired of trying to explain why I'm the way I am, I don't know myself..  Sometimes, I feel like running away, but I don't want to hurt my children, they re my life.

Thank you all for sharing your stories -- some of them are like a mirror, and while I'm sad that others feel this way too, it's comforting as well.

 

We've been married for 6 years, but have known each other for almost 15, so my eyes were wide open when we got married. He's bright, creative, very loving, supportive,  affectionate, and the funniest person I've ever known. But when the blackness takes over, that person goes away, and the bitterness descends. Any little thing will send him into a rant, and he'll criticize me for the old litany of things about me that annoy him.

 

He knows all the buttons to push -- I have to be really careful to not be convinced by his tirades, to believe the things he says to me when he's deep in it. The articles I've read do help a bit -- that it's the disease, not him speaking, but it's really tough to keep that in mind when its coming directly from the mouth of the person dearest to you, the one whose words you rely on at all other times. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers....

 

During these times, I'll cry into my pillow and vow to do something, get him to talk to someone, do something to fix this, but then he shakes it off and things are fine. And I think, "maybe it won't come back this time." And I'll put off getting him help, partly because I have the foolish (and incorrect) hope that it's all over, and partly because I don't want to stir up the bad stuff during those delicious stretches of smooth sailing. Such a dangerous pattern, because the wave hits again, and it starts all over.

 

So I guess this post didn't add anything very useful...just needed to vent. Thank you all for sharing your stories.