I'm 35 and have suffered with both anxiety and depression for many years. I have been married for 4 years to the most kind, caring, loving and understanding man that you could hope for, which has been a breath of fresh air considering that until now, no one else would "put up with" me. One of the major issues of my condition is anger and irritability, and sadly, these tend to be aimed at my poor husband, and I can't seem to control my outbursts and can be extremely irrational and cruel.
What has made this a thousand times worse for me though, is that in late February, my husband's beloved Mother (he was a Mommy's boy) passed away after a long illness, and ever since then, he has been depressed.
How selfish is it of me to say that I can't cope with him being so sad and down all the time? He has had the greatest amount of patience with me and my mood swings, yet now that he is experiencing the same thing (except for anger), I have no patience with him.
I can only assume that whilst fighting my own battle with depression and anxiety, I don't have anything left in me to empathise with him, and while I feel absolutely hateful for being that way, I don't know how to change.
I tried Citalopram (40mg) for about a year and didn't feel they helped me, and I don't want to be on antidepressants simply because we're desperate for a family and time is not on our side (he's 46, I'm 35), and I don't want to risk any potential harm to a baby.
I AM taking Buspirone for the anxiety, and I honestly can't tell if it works or not.
My main issue though is this constant anger that is always bubbling under the surface. WHY am I able to hide it from friends/in laws (who we unfortunately live with!), but not my husband? I snap at him for the slightest thing, I yell at him, tell him he's weak and pathetic, constantly rant and rave about his family (to be fair, they've caused us both a LOT of hurt and worry over the last 2 years, and now I'm forced to live with his sister and her husband due to financial reasons), but he just sits there looking all picked on and sad, which then makes me even angrier.
I love him so much it hurts, and I know how deeply he loves me and worries about me, to the point that he will fake happiness just to make ME happy. Why am I so selfish? Why am I so angry all the time? Am I wrong to blame and resent him for putting me in the situation where I have to live with his family that I don't even LIKE and certainly don't trust (his sister has stolen money and prescription pain meds from our room).. I feel as though it's his fault that I'm stuck living like this.
Why can't I feel sympathy or empathy over the loss of his Mother? Why can't I find it in me to put my arms around him and tell him that things will get better? Instead, I catch him looking at a photo of his Mom with tears in his eyes, and I feel immediate irritation.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
I love him desperately, but feel like we're going stale. I have so much resentment built up in me because of the living arrangements (amongst other things) and no amount of trying to talk to him will make him do anything about it. He supports me, he loves me, he tries to make me happy, but all of the things that are affecting me the most are things he won't address (such as his 50+ yr old sister stealing from us and rifling through our private things when we're both out at work, or how this same sister has pretty much claimed the house as her own since their mother died, even though their father still lives in the house (albeit tucked away in his own little room downstairs). I have so many things I want/need to scream and shout about and address properly and finally, but I can't do it because hubby just sits looking like he's about to cry, then asks me what he's supposed to do about it.
I wish so much that we could afford counselling because I need to talk, desperately, to someone who can offer advice. We have no health insurance, so we're out of options. Depression sucks. Especially when you're both dealing with your own demons.