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Sunday, June 07, 2009 xxx asks

Q: My son who is 19 is very stubborn since birth. I sacrificed my life saving but he did not accept

My son who is 19 is very stubborn since birth. As a toddler, he was impatient and wanted everything by force. This was at home. However, there was tremendous fear inside him at school or when he meets his peers. Physically he was not strong, and I believe that also contributed to the situation he is in today. Over the years of his childhood, I have taken him to many specialists and all told me there is nothing wrong with him and he will grow out of it. But he continued to grow unbalanced in his carrier. Anything that requires discipline, like studying or going to school on time, he never managed. Playing video games or watching sport channels are what he is exceptionally good at. He can lecture for hours sports matters far better than someone graduated in sports journalism. He is on the internet nearly 15 hours a day researching on sports. At school, he is a complete failure and was not accepted for college education.

I recognized his troubles early on but he is stubborn and never listened. His rebuttal was he is good in sports and he will one day be a superstar when he reaches adulthood. When I told him his wish is like betting on winning a lottery ticket, he says I am jealous of his dream. As time passes, it became clear that the sports superstar dream is unachievable. Now he started talking about becoming sports broadcaster. Even that requires some kind of college education nowadays and I encouraged him to first successfully complete high school.  Deep inside him he never paid attention to my advice, even though he somehow attended high school regularly. His application to colleges is finally rejected while his younger sisters excelled with "A+" ranks. He now admits he is a failure, cannot work, unemployable and useless. When I heard these negative words from him, I comforted him and told him that he has many other talents outside the academics and that I am ready to quit my current job, invest my life saving to start a family business of his choice where the two of us can work together. He thanked me the first day. However, when I began preparations and started exploring business ideas, I saw fear on him, he wanted me to drop the idea. I am really sad with his current situation. I offered him to sacrifice my well paying job and lifetime saving, but he is not accepting; I think there is some kind of fear in him that I cannot understand. Please tell me what is wrong with him, what he wants and what I should do?  

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Answers (2)
6/ 9/09 6:25pm

Hi there

 

This appears to be a very complex dynamic between you and your son.  I am thinking that some family therapy would be very beneficial for you both.

 

I know you want to help your son...but you cannot sacrifice your life for anyone including your son.  He must learn to help himself.  You cannot make him be what you want him to be.

 

In order to learn...he may have to fail.  He has to learn to be independent.

 

I strongly recommend that you both seek counseling to help your relationship.

 

Thank you for your question.

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6/10/09 8:45pm

"He now admits he is a failure, cannot work, unemployable and useless"... 

 

He's not a failure. Give the kid some encouragement to persue his own dreams. If being  a sports broadcaster is what he wants to do, there are ways of achieving that goal.  He can get his G.E.D., take remedial classes at a community college & gain his associates degree there and move on to university. He can get a internship with the local media, if hes that knowlegable and interested in sports there are no limits of where he can go in that field.

 

What he needs from his parents is ENCOURAGEMENT. Let him know he can do whatever he wants to do in life and that anything is possible.  Discouraging someone will only lead to unhappiness for both of you.

 

Also, giving up your income and life savings to give him something to do is a bad idea. You cant live his life for him. Focus on taking care of yourself and let him lead his own life. Follow your own dreams and let him follow his.

 

Dont undersestimate the value of being simply knowlegable, interested and excited about a carreer field.

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By xxx— Last Modified: 12/26/10, First Published: 06/07/09