My father was diagnosed with depression a year ago, but he has been depressed for at least the last 3 years. For about a year, he has been on Lexapro to treat his depression, and it had been working until about a month ago. It seems that he has reverted 180 degrees, and it is scaring us. He is also an extremely passive agressive person who has had terrible anger management problems since he was a child. He knows this about himself, and before the depression, he was able to manage these things and not let them get the better of him. Now he is almost unbearable, he won't listen to reason, and he refuses to acknowledge that he is going backwards. He recently had to give up his business that he ran for 13 years and has been living in what I call his cave in the basement, he wakes up in the morning (on the couch in the basement where he has been sleeping) and sits on the couch with his laptop on his lap and plays his online games and doesn't move all day, he doesn't eat, he blames everything on my mom and says some of the most hateful things I have ever heard to her. He no longer does anything with the family (which used to be, and minus his participation still is, the closest family I know), and makes excuses to never have to leave the house or be in social situations. I also feel that since he was diagnosed with depression, he has been using it as an excuse for his actions. I'm scared for him, and have no idea what to do... is there anything you recommend? He needs help, but if he continues to pretend to be ignorant about it, I'm scared of what might happen. Also, I'm not a kid or teenager, I'm a 25 year old adult who has taken a couple psychology courses in college, so I understand what is going on, I just feel helpless in this situation.
Q: Depressed father regressing... also very passive aggressive and anger management issues...
Hi, Matman - I am so sorry your father is so depressed. I'm sure his anger is scaring everyone. My dad was a lot like that until now he's too old to roar as much, but he never got help. What I would do first is either you or your mother call his doctor, the one who prescribed the Lexapro, and tell him/her how bad things have gotten and that you're afraid for his and your safety. That does not violate any privacy laws. Ask if there's anything you can do, or at least if your father is scheduled to see the doctor soon, he/she will be forewarned about what's really going on, as chances are that your father would not be totally forthcoming about his declining moods and behavior. Do you think you would be able to do that? If not, you could probably talk to someone in your county's social services department and tell them you need help with your dad and what would they suggest. It sounds like he may need more or a different medication and perhaps therapy, if he isn't already seeing anyone. Some people would say try an "intervention" with anyone you could get to confront him with the effects of his behavior, but it sounds like it might be too frightening right now, not knowing how he would react (or KNOWING how he would react!).
If you don't get anywhere with these suggestions, please let me know or write in again and we will try to come up with some more ideas. Are you afraid that he might physically harm you or your mother? If it comes to that, you would be justified in calling the police and that might force some kind of action. I know the holidays can be a tough time for a lot of people and this certainly doesn't sound like a happy situation to be in right now. I hope you'll let us know if you need more information, or just write and let us know how things are going and if you're able to get some help. My heart goes out to you and your family, please take care. I hope this has been of some help, at least.
Good luck with your dad - you're really a caring son and your parents should both be very proud of you! I'm glad your father isn't physically abusive to you - sometimes when people have suffered from it as children, they turn around and repeat the same thing with their families (which is what my dad did), so he apparently is aware enough of that dynamic. It would be nice if your mother could see a therapist, too, so she can feel better about herself and not take the hurtful things he says personally. I hope everything goes well for them; I'd be interested to know how things turn out for your family.
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Thank you for your advice. You confirmed some of the things I was going to try. He would never physically harm any of us, as his father was extremely physically abusive when he was growing up. He'll throw and break things, but never throw them at us, and he has never hit me, my sister, or mother ever, and never would. He just yells and says horribly hateful things... not to my sister or me very often, because he knows we won't take that crap, but to my mother... I'm tired of seeing her cry all the time because she thinks she's done something wrong. They have been married 27 years, and love each other very much, but when he is in this downward spiral he says very hurtful things to her.