I am horribly depressed and I think of suicide at least a dozen times a day.

Johnny, I don't work here and this is not a monitored site. Not around the clock and so it may be some time before you get a response though the members here are very nice, often what we do is read past shareposts and comments to other answers, sometime searching for posts or questions on a specific topic.

What I do want to say is that there are a couple of places which staff a 24 hour help line for when things just get to be too much and you need someone to talk with. Several people have used these lines and some with good success. It is certainly worth a try and costs nothing, not even your identity. Right now, your depression is in charge of you and won't let you see a way out. But there always is another good day coming, I assure you.

Here are the numbers and why don't you call the all, if you need to, see who you talk to and if they can help. I'll tell you, if you need immediate help,you should call 911, there is no shame in that. But try these, or at least one:

(1-800-273-TALK (8255)

1800-784-2433  

1800-799-4889

Then come back here and let us know how you are doing and write, as much as you want and if you get a chance, help someone else here. I wish I could tell you something which would change your life. I'm not that good, obviously.

There will more people by, but even if not, keep writing and reading here.

I just found Health Central's page with similar information for when anyone is feeling suicidal, try looking there too, please. It reinforces that this is not a crisis hotline site with medical advice. Please see that page too. I hope to see you write more here.

Hi Johnny,

I'm really glad you reached out to express your feelings of depression. As someone who has dealt with depression and attempted suicide several times I can tell you that life really does get better. (Even if it didn't, murdering ourselves and being unsure of eternity doesn't hold out much promise of things getting better either!) Being separated from God is a strong motivator for me also, and I can tell you sincerely that through prayer, nutrition, and antidepressants God has gradually lifted a lot of the black cloud off of my life. I often look back and wonder what I would have missed-times with my family-if I had succeeeded in dying. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I will also add that in 1995 my 36 year old sister committed suicide (her note said "She just couldn't take the aloneness anymore"). Her death destroyed my family-within a year of her death my father died. He never recovered from the pain of her suicide. My mother died soon after that.  My sisters and I have grieved the loss of our family every day, and any joy we might have experienced as a family was cut short. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, I'm just telling you that I developed a different outlook at suicide, and I can tell you that it's a horribly painful, painful, painful, thing for someone to do to their family. This really caused me to look at other outlets of escape for my own depression. Because of what my sisters death did to us I have taken suicide off the table as an option, I just don't go there mentally, and maybe because I don't allow myself that outlet, I am forced to look at other ways to deal with my depression.

If you feel isolated and alone, PLEASE, do whatever you need to do to fix that. Your life matters, and you matter to your family. If you need to get help, PLEASE get it. And keep trying until something works. There are Hotlines with people who can guide you in the right direction. Or please go to the Emergency room if necessary. Don't let this thing rob you of your life. God cares about you, and so do other people. You have the ability to change your life. PLEASE, stop thinking about suicide and start thinking about how you can find the answers and help you need. If you feel you can't deal with this alone, please keep seeking until you find the help you need.

It sounds like your depression has had a hold on you for a very long time, and maybe you can take control of your life to make the changes to fix it. There are nutritional supplements that have really helped me, along with prayer for God to deliver me. If you are isolated is it possible for you to relocate to a place that you would have support? Can you go into the hospital for treatment? Depression can be a life-threatening disease and it sounds like you need medical intervention and help. But you can also empower yourself with knowlege. Most of all, please keep communicating with others.

Johnny...

Listen...I want you to keep talking to us.  Your depression is leading you to think things you would not think otherwise.  Life is hard...that is true...and we have no clue what you are going through but...I can tell you...because I have been there...that it can get better.  I know you think this is a lie but...I believe that there is meaning to your life.  You just can't see it right now.  Depression puts a dark cloud on all your thoughts and actions...and you just cannot see that you have great value. 

Suicide does not end the pain. It will live on with each and every individual you leave behind.  Do not leave this legacy.

We want you to stay.

Please keep talking to us.  We do care.  We are listening.

Johnny,

I think you have put too much emphasis on the fact that medicine doesn't work for you. As I'm sure many on here can attest, medicine isn't the cure all for most of us, and maybe you might be more resistant, but that doesn't mean you can't recover from depression. Maybe you've been misdiagnosed as well. Either way, you should never give up on yourself or your life. There are a lot of things that contribute to depression, and sometimes trauma, guilt, unforgiveness and other emotional factors can be a cause of depression that doesn't require medication to change. Changing our thought patterns can be a big factor. Your depression has clouded your thoughts to the point that you feel there is no escape. Please trust us for awhile that your thoughts are deceiving you, and that the emotional pain you are now in doesn't have to be permanent. Even if you think it is. The only thing that will be permanent is your death. Without a sure peace about your relationship with your Creator, there is no guarantee that suicide is the solution to your depression. Eternity is a long time to gamble on.  There are alot of people right now with financial problems, and this too is not permanent. If you check into a hospital now you won't have to worry about supporting yourself for awhile. It sounds like you qualify for state funds to pay for your stay. That would definitely strengthen your case for disabilty, and if it was me, I'd do it just for that reason.  Living so isolated just gives your mind a playground to entertain these thoughts. Where do you live that is so isolated? Do you live in a state that doesn't get a lot of sunshine? Sometimes being isolated and shut in by the weather can make depression worse. Please let us help you if we can. Just because the doctors only give you med check time doesn't mean you can't assert yourself and demand intervention and help. Especially if you go to the emergency room or closest psychiatric hospital. Is there a town close to you with more resources for help? If you would like me to contact someone for you I will. I can be very discreet, I can also do some research for you. Please let us help you, even if you think you can't be helped.

There is ALWAYS hope as long as we're still breathing. 

OK, fine. Have it your way. If that's what you want. It sounds like you want me to agree with you. How do you know that God isn't answering your prayers by sending people like us to encourage you, and advise you to not give up. To tell you your life matters. God speaks through people, we are His hands, and voice. You will never get free of depression until you stop agreeing with the very depressing negative thoughts you are trying to get rid of. If you don't want to be depressed your first step is to stop talking like you have no hope. Even if you don't feel like it. When you talk like this you are reinforcing to your mind the actual thoughts and feelings you SAY you want to be free from. That doesn't mean not opening up and talking about it, I just mean that you seem to be blocking out everything we are saying to you and it sounds like you are trying really hard to make me agree with you that you are hopeless. So OK, I'll agree with you-as long as you continue to validate your hopelessness and depression and refuse to let others in to help you, and won't let anyone around you know you are feeling this way-then what options are you allowing yourself?? And by the way, Bipolar doesn't necessarily mean dramatic mood swings-you could be experiencing delusional thoughts that seem real and that could be the bottom extreme of Bipolar depression. I have had personal experience with this several years ago and I can attest, it was a living hell. I believed things that were not right, and I couldn't trust those around me when they told me otherwise. I am bipolar, and I do cycle in my moods, but when it started I experienced a 2 year period of severe depression and psychotic delusional thoughts and couldn't get out of bed. It was several years coming out of that, and Lithium happened to be the drug that worked for me. I don't know if you have tried it, or another mood stabilzer, but if you haven't-please discuss this with your doctor because you may find it makes a dramatic difference.

You will not succeed in convincing me that your situation is hopeless, and I know you might believe it yourself, but there is nothing hopeless about your life anymore than anyone elses, but if you don't find a way to change your thoughts and speech, along with putting forth the effort to keep trying different treatments, what do you think will change? Just telling me it's hopeless will not change anything. It needs to be an acknowlegement on your part that your mind isn't working properly right now, that you can't trust or continue to  validate your suicidal thoughts, and keep seeking medical help.

Johnny, your mental state reminds me of myself some years ago.  I did not believe I could ever get better, then I would feel guilty because my therapist was trying so hard to convince me otherwise.  What changed?  I slowly began to believe that somebody actually cared what happened to me, I tested it over and over.

You mentioned in your post that you wanted somebody to please help you.  Maybe you are testing us on this site, to see if we really care what happens.  We've never met you, but we do care because we know what it's like.  It sounds like you are testing us by shooting down every single thing we say to you.  You worry about no one wanting you, but you don't even want yourself!  And how do you know that no one could love you when you're this depressed?  You couldn't possibly know that.

Please reach out to somebody there, a friend, a doctor, counselor, emergency room - whatever it takes to start turning this around.  What do you have to lose?  You feel so bad now, how could it be any worse?  God does answer our prayers, maybe it's not always immediate or the answer we think we want, but as Loreann said, maybe He let you find this site and it is part of the answer.  The next move is up to you and I hope it is one that will help you.  God bless you.

Hi....it's really great hearing from you...I see you have been told that you are resistant to treatment....do you know what this means? It means that the logical part of your brain/thoughts are acting defensively....your brain is trying to stop you feeling the fear and panic that your depression is trying to stop you thinking about...your logic is causing you to think of every excuse, diversion,tactic to STOP YOU FEELING THE PAIN...however....the truth of the matter is although your defenses have been a friend to you for many years they are now working overtime and really they are not needed at this moment...the truth of the matter is if we suppress our feelings THEY WILL SCREAM AT US AND THE PAIN GETS MORE AND MORE INTENSE THE LONGER YOU SUPPRESS THEM...once you begin to CATCH YOURSELF, LEARN TO HOLD YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY, ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL THE WORST EMOTION YOU CAN DEALWITH REMEMBER THESE ARE ONLY FEELINGS THAT ARE GENERATED INTERNALLY THEY WILL CHANGE WHEN YOU LEARN TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS AS MERELY A PART OF YOU....THEY ARE NOT ALL OF YOU!!!!...THEY ONLY FEEL SO BECAUSE THEY ARE SCREAMING TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED AND ONCE THEY ARE THEN YOU WILL REMEMBER THE PAST UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCES THAT ARE ASSOCIATED WITH THEM ....YOU CAN THEN REMEMBER THAT THESE EVENTS WERE IN YOUR PAST AND THINK OF WHAT YOU NEEDED TO HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY AT THAT TIME OR WHAT OTHERS SHOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY AT THAT TIME TO CARE FOR YOU AND WHEN YOU HAVE LEARNED THE POINT YOUR NEGATIVE FEELINGS .....THEY WILL QUIETEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I know from my own experience. I would say though that as soon as the suicidal thoughts appear say to yourself I know I feel suicidal because I want the pain to end and the pain will end when I acknowledge my feelings.

Keep talking on this site and to a helpline. You can talk as much as you like ...have as many morbid thoughts as you like and express them and when you do I want you to use your very talented brain to come up with 10 possible solutions to each of your problems however unreal they may seem to you now...and I want you to share these with us ONE BY ONE BY ONE....because I know if I came to you and said I was suicidal i KNOW YOU WOULD HOLD MY HAND AND SEE ME THROUGH TO HEALTHIER TIMES AND THIS IS WHAT ALLTHESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE ON THIS SITE DO FOR ONE ANOTHER....

Now don't be cruel to yourself you are not your father or other people who have hurt you in your life. You are YOU and accept the care and medical attention you need. Keep the talkline numbers handy and use them and go to the emergency room if you find yourself in a desparate state and tell us what you are doing to look after yourself and keep yourself safe.

Hypno

Terry,

I have alot of problems also.  Sometimes overwhelming and I do think of suicide. I am just to chicken to do anything.  One think that I always think of and may me laugh is a scene from "Two and a half men"  Alan Harper just wanted to crawl up and die and his mom came to visit him.  She said well if you think your life is over, look at the bright side.  You have hit rock bottom and all you can do is go up now or forward(I hope you get my drift)

I hope some of these posts have helped you out.  There is alot of good information in them and they sure have helped me.  My chest doesn't feel as heavy as it did this morning. 

We were all born into this world.  "CHILDREN OF GOD"  and God doesn't make mistakes.

I am still searching for answers also.  But if you commit suicide THE DEVIL wins and you never get any answers.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if you were really going to commit suicide, you would have done it the first day. So, forget that suicide nonsense. It is only good for sympathy once or twice anyway. So, now start asking yourself why you feel the way you do. You are responsible for your own feelings. No one make you feel good or bad about anything.

Try the Beck-Ellis Rational Emotive Therapy. Ask yourself "What if my accquaintences said this or that, or did this or that, would it be the End of the World? No. Life goes on and so should you. If you can't find any friends who want to be friends, then move on. If you can't think of anyplace to go, then go to San Franciso. You will have more "friends" than you want, there.