I'm in desperate need of help. I feel like my marriage is slowly falling apart. My wife and I both suffer from depression, hers more severe than mine. She is on four different types of anti-depressants, and while she says she feels fine, I'm longing for the woman the married.
I've always known she suffered from depression, but it's worse than ever now. She had been off medication for a few months, which was awful. After she herself realized she needed to be back on meds, she made an appointment to see her psychiatrist. She also promised me that once she was back on her meds she'd be a better wife.
Only a week into taking her meds again, we found out that she was pregnant, however at the six week mark, she suffered a miscarriage. She's been back on her meds now for about a month, but is slowly getting worse and worse.
Naturally, with the tragedy of the miscarriage, of course we're going to be depressed. However, there might be more to it than that, beyond, of course, the depression. She has a step son, who she worships. We also work opposite shifts and only really see each other on weekends. Lately on the weekends, she only wants to spend time with her son, which is understandable, but she completely ignores me. She will make up and be glum and distant with me, but once her son wakes up, she's all over him and she's full of energy. Just last week, I kissed her probably about three times throughout the course of the day, and she complained that I kiss her too much and she "feels like her son, wiping away his mommy's kisses."
My wife has also told me she doesn't have time for me. She is a case worker, which is a stressful job, but the way she puts it, she deals with people all week and on the weekend she wants to be left alone, even though that's our only time together. I've been trying to take her out on dates, like old times, but she never wants to go too far because she just wants to be with her son. She really doesn't make any time for me.
She doesn't clean or cook anymore. She sleeps constantly. Her patience is thin. She overexaggerates. But she's my wife...I love her with all my heart. I fear, however, that things are only getting worse and our marriage is in danger. We used to be best friends, going out, having a great time. Now...we never spend time together. I've tried everything. She has gained weight, and her only free time really is in the morning, so, despite working late, I wake up early and get my step son ready for school so she can go to the gym.
I don't know what to do :(. I've read articles, I've had plenty of patience, I'm on medication myself. I have never once raised my voice at my wife, or really fought with her. I'm a calm person and I just want to see her happy, no matter what it takes. I want things to work out very badly, but I feel like the end is near.
I am sorry this is happening.
What was your wife like before her depression began? Was she always depressed? Have you always been depressed?
I know it must be so difficult to summarize all that is happening within a question on the Internet. We can only get a small glimpse of your world from what you say here.
Do you think that perhaps the energy you see for her step son is because...as a mother...she is giving what she can to the person she deems...needs it most? You know how on video games you have something to indicate your energy levels? Perhaps with her job, her son, and her miscarriage and then add depression...she is simply depleted of her energy. And so she needs to find energy sources if you will to replenish and revive her.
I can tell you from my personal experience that when I suffered a miscarriage...my whole world fell apart. I was as depressed as I had ever been and I was suicidal. Although it is a very common experience for many women, it is a huge loss. This in itself...drains you physically and emotionally. Her hormones are probably way out of whack. A month on meds is not sufficient. This will take time to heal...months perhaps.
I think in this case...you have to focus on what is...right now and not upon what you feel you are losing. Your wife is still here...she is just trying to hold it together. She needs you to help her by being an energy source. And I realize that this is very hard to do when you are depressed yourself and you have needs.
Does she want to talk about the miscarriage at all? How have you two handled this loss as a couple? Are you wanting to try again for her to get pregnant?
I think the suggestion by your other commenter of couples therapy may be a good one...or even for you to go on your own to seek some help with all this.
Try to be patient. Try to communicate with your wife as you are able that you miss her and that you are there for her but...that you are confused as to how to best...support her and that you are also in need of support.
I know this must be incredibly painful. Know that you are not alone. There are many members here who have gone through this or are currently working through such a situation.
Let us know how you are doing in the days and weeks to come. I hope things improve for your family.
It's also worth noting that just last week, she picked up a night job during the week to help pay bills. So now she's working two jobs all week, fourteen hours a day, and just has the weekends. This was the first weekend, and all she did was sleep, and when she was awake, put on a dvd for her son while she laid next to him. She's running herself ragged.
First, thank you both so much for replying. It is greatly appreciated.
For starters, yes, I am willing to take any step possible to make things better. I love my wife. I'd known her for years, and it was love at first sight. Turns out, we were both too shy to ever make a move, but ten years after meeting, it all just came together.
My wife and I have both suffered from depression long before we got together. When we started dating, we both felt great. We just clicked...we were best friends. She's never really been a social person, but we'd hang out with my friends, but mostly go out together. We had a routine on the weekends of doing something with her son the first part of the day, and then do something together, just us, at night. It was perfect.
As far as her energy levels, I've noticed a drastic change. Since we've dated, she's always been tired. She usually would take a nap. At the time we started dating, she was unemployed, and stayed home all day with her son. That gave her the freedom to take a nap when he did and all that. I work 2nd shift, so I'd end up stopping by when I got out of work, and she'd wait up for me, which was insane, because she'd wind up getting only a few hours sleep.
Once she got a job, yeah, things changed. She wasn't able to get her nap in, and thus, she wouldn't stay up at night to see me. We were still able to do our weekend routine however. She still cooked then too, and was a neat freak.
She'd been off her meds for a while, and it showed. She also started putting on weight. In fact, she put on 60lbs in 8 months. With the weight gain came depression. She claims she's been depressed all along, but it progressively showed with time.
We moved in together this past May, and things started out great. We'd leave each other little love notes, because we worked opposite shifts. Actually, and this really gets me choked up, it was only in January that she bought this fill in the blank book and filled it with reasons why she loved me. For Valentine's Day, she wrote down 100 reasons why she loved me on 100 pieces of paper and filled a vase for me. I've continued leaving her notes, but she hasn't left me one since May.
In June, still off meds, things just got worse, but she still showed signs of hope. She'd text me throughout the day, tell me constantly that she loved me, and even assured me that once she got back on her meds, she'd get better.
We married in July, and it was the happiest day of my life. It was perfect. We had a great time, and at dinner that night, we shared a great conversation. It was like the old days. We went on our honeymoon, but, over time, she had insisted we take her son, thus turning it into a vacation instead of a honeymoon. She had family where we went, so they watched him a bit, but for the most part, she wanted to do things with her son. However, the times we were alone, we had an amazing time.
Once we came back from our honeymoon, she decided to finally smarten up and get back on her meds. She was getting very erratic and irrational, but was with it enough to know she needed to be back on them. Again, she said that once she got back on them, she'd be a better wife.
She joined a gym, and it lasted two weeks...we found out she was pregnant. We were both ecstatic...we planned it. I really felt this was going to help bring us together again and bring happiness into our home, and it did...beyond the morning sickness and her being more tired. That's another thing...over time she just became tired all the time. I never saw an ounce of energy in her from about July to present day. Things changed.
We found out at the six week mark that she was going to have a miscarriage. It was awful. That's when things really started going downhill. The day she came home from the Dr (I had to work the day of the appointment and was getting ready to leave when she called, told me the bad news, and I called out to be with her) she came in and I tried to talk to her and she said "If you're looking for comfort, you're going to have to look somewhere else because I can't even help myself."
I asked her about trying again, and she said she'd like to, but she wants to wait because she doesn't want to be pregnant in the summer. But since the miscarriage, things have changed drastically, and that's been the past month of my life. She rarely texts me anymore, unless she needs something. A normal week consists of her kissing me before she leaves for work (sometimes followed by an i love you), and then on the weekends, she sleeps all day, goes to her mother's at night, and then comes home early to go to bed. We have no quality time anymore. She never wants to go out.
She's been back on her medication for a month, but I can't see much of a difference. Then again, we did suffer a horrible tragedy. Like I said, the only time she shows any energy is for her son. She is a tremendous mother, and I admire her for that. As a wife though...I really thought things would've been different. The woman that was head over heals for me rarely ever talks to me anymore. I long for those days.
She always told me, from the beginning, if I was ever unhappy to tell her. In mid-August, I told her I was unhappy. She said she couldn't help me...she said she's too busy with work, and her son. I told her I needed her, and she said sorry, but she can't exert anymore energy. I got really upset and started to walk out (not to leave her, but to cool off) and she told me if I walked out the door, she wouldn't be there when I got back. She burst into tears. I asked her if she wanted to work things out, and she said yes.
Unfortunately, I feel another conversation like the one above is drawing near, and this time, I don't know what her reaction will be. I really hope that this is all just her getting used to being back on her pills/getting over our tragedy, but I just don't know. I'm getting scared...I love her and I don't want to get a divorce. I'd do whatever to just be happy like we used to be. I just want my best friend back, and I'm fighting as hard as I can to try and get her back.
It's very difficult to see the person you love become withdrawn and uninterested. I've had relationships end due to things like this. My best advice would be to try some couple's counseling with someone who is not already involved in the situation. I'm sure there are some wonderful counselors and psychologists in your area who specialize in couple's therapy. It sounds like you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix your marraige, I hope she is as willing. Good luck to you.