Sunday, June 06, 2010 completelyconfused asks

Q: Need help sorting through things

So my boyfriend told me that he has been depressed for about 4 weeks, I had no idea, he doesn't like to show anything.

He's very shut in and hates telling people things and normally doesn't. I learned that I started it. For the most part, when he started going out with me, the guys in our school were awful, I don't think that they realized what they did because he's so shut in. Since he's shut in he doesn't want help from anyone, and is barely letting me help and still not talking, which is understandable and I'm not pushing the subject any.

So I feel that it's my fault and just wondering how to help since I started it. What can I do?

He tells me that he has no hope of getting better, that just makes me feel worse. Since I'm blaming myself, I do feel a little depressed, which makes me feel extrememly selfish, how can I fix that so it doesn't get worse and I can be helpful to my boyfriend?

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Answers (2)

Judy

6/ 6/10 9:19pm

Hi, there. I'm not quite understanding what it is that you did that started your boyfriend's depression. Whatever you think it is, it is NOT your fault - he is responsible for his own feelings. It's hard to help someone if they don't want it. Maybe you could just let him know that you'll be there for him whenever he's ready to talk about it and that you'll support him in getting some help. Do you have a school counselor you could talk to about it? Most guys are very reluctant to talk about their feelings, unfortunately, and it's usually women who teach them how. If he needs some space, let him have it and don't stop living your life in the meantime. If you end up feeling too depressed, get some help for yourself. Be sure, though, that you are not to blame for his depression, whatever you did or think you did.

Feel free to keep writing here and I hope you figure out the best thing to do for both of you.

completelyconfused

6/ 9/10 7:53pm

Well, I talked to him about it, which he didn't seem to like at all at first, but then he started talking. I don't know if I got lucky or what happened. But now he said that he feels a lot better and that it's not that bad anymore. Is that possible, or is he just lying?

Judy

6/ 9/10 8:18pm

Hi. He might not be lying about this - all you can do is take him at his word. You'll know soon enough if he's telling the truth. I'm glad he was able to talk with you - that truly can make people feel a lot better.

Donna-1

6/ 6/10 10:01pm

Do not let any situation or person lead you to believe you are responsible for someone else's depression. Judy had some very wise words to say. Depression is often a life-long illness that comes and goes, and it is not unusual for even the depressed person to be clueless about the reasons why.

It is good to hear you would like to help him through this, but it also sounds like he is determined to stay in this condition. Or at least he has convinced himself that he is "doomed" to be depressed and there is no way out of it. Being depressed can lead you to these dismal (but false) conclusions. And you have offered to help, and he has not accepted your offer. So it might be best to back off and stay away and take care of your own emotional well-being for now. So you can be strong for him if and when he does decide he wants help.

Donna

Q: Need help sorting through things

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