I know the feeling. I live with it every waking hour and nobody has a clue. I hide it under the pretense of being fed-up or bored. I hate my life, I hate the work i do which is a piece of shit for which i am grossly under-paid but for fear of not having money, i do it.In fact i hate the line of work i am in.Its easy for me, no challenge, no desire to want to do it, and its boring and sucks. I can do it with my eyes closed and sometimes i do. The thing is, i am seen as " artistic" and creative so i guess i just feel i might as well.
Though i do prefer small businesses or something i can make money from daily. Being in this show biz line is not me. I find it dull and the pay is in small amounts. Some days i cant even buy petrol. And i dont eat at work.
I was divorced a few years ago and have gone from being a hands on Mum who lived for her children to someone that reminds me of a washing rag with legs. I feel very anxious and worried every single day and most nights i cant sleep which i hide under the label of " insomnia" as it works and i am seen as lazy which helps as to describe the fear and anxiety in me would, i think not be something anyone can handle.
I have moved back home as was not able to afford a rented place which makes me feel great shame and i loathe it. Its like being a leech. As for society, i dont like people as i get anxious or feel bored and not tuned in. I miss my children, miss being a mum, a proper mum, not someone they see for a few hours. I miss my independence and not having to depend on people which has never been my way of life. But i pretend to be a slob and i go along with it as i am feeling despondent and like a poor beggar.
Every day is hell, i sit writing scripts or producing the most boring videos for a bunch of hard to please yet slow to pay clients, and i put myself thru it because i have no self esteem at all. Not one bit. Which is why now i dress like a rag. And my clothes have holes in them!
Depression and anxiety are not things we can snap out of but they overwhelm us and when we feel so low and so helpless its hard to make sense. My ambitions have disappeared and nothing holds interest for me. Apart from my children to whom i have proven to be a bad mother and is another label i wear. Throw in bankrupt and lazy and i think it just about sums me up.
How do i get better? I have yet to learn, and nobody to talk to. I tried prozac a few months ago but it gave me night sweats and bad dreams, so it wasnt good for me altho i know it is not like that with everyone.
I feel sad all the time, and if not sad then worried. I worry a lot. I dont want to be like this but i feel too scared to do what i could do. I feel defeated and weary a lot. And i feel like a failure all the time.
I smoke and drink coffee and spend my time staring into nothing until i am asked to do something. Truth be told, i feel i dont belong and i have no role. The only thing i perhaps am good for is how " not to be" and i live with it. It amuses people i guess or gives them a sense they can tell me what to do or advise me. But nobody can advise me how to stop this depression that is there all day.