My name is Lily, and I have been through alot...first I have never had a really close relationship with my mom we are more or less like vinegar and water and just recently she has been diagnosed and will undergo a lumpectomy for breast cancer tomorrow. We have always had a strained relationship but, now I have to be the stand up guy in my family and be here by her bedside to support her and help her through this and her husband, who is an accountant,is completely non-supportive and useless. I love my mother and she is the only one I have but, its taking its toll on me. She cries alot, she's angry, she's in denial, and she thinks good nutrition and cholesterol free diet will cure her and its taking a toll on me. I have one younger sibling, a sister who lives in Texas and me, my mother, and step father all live in Northern California. I am the only one who could be at my mothers side out of both of us to go through this procedure with her and support her and man am I biting off alot. My anxiety is up, I'm crying alot, my sleep patterns are terrible, and I am worried sick over my mother. I am 36 years old, no children, not married and have just jump started my career again in occupational therapy after being out of it for 10 years, I've had two failed marriages, 5 years ago I had to undergo a partial hysterectomy, I come from a totally dysfunctional family, and every day and every night I battle PTSD, bipolar disorder, severe depression, and anxiety. I feel like I am completely stressed out and overwhelmed and want to run screaming towards the hills to get away from all this stuff that is happening with my mom. I also have a few self esteem issues as the last guy I dated was a knuckledragger and told me, after he found out that I had depression and took a cocktail of drugs every night that he wished I was normal and that he didn't think he could handle depression and me both so he said bye bye. I felt like complete damaged goods and completely unloveable.
Q: I have severe depression and need help dealing with my estranged mothers breat cancer!!!
Hi Lily
This must be a terrible trigger for you. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. What are your thoughts about tomorrow? I think that when you have so many issues to tackle...it is best to deal with the one which is immediately pressing and that is your mom right now.
Here is the link to our Breast Cancer site. You can find information there as well as get some support for being a caregiver. Nowadays there is much hope for women who have breast cancer. It is good to find support among others who are dealing with this in their family.
Please take things day to day...or minute to minute if you have to. I agree with Judy that you will need support with this...you can't do this alone. Allow friends and family to help you and your mom.
Let us know how things go tomorrow okay? We will be thinking of you and your mom.
Lily, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this and you shouldn't have to, all by yourself. Having a lumpectomy shouldn't totally disable her and, really, her husband is the one who should be taking care of her. Would you consider seeing a therapist to get some support with all this? Maybe you have one already, but if you don't, it could really help a lot. I am not close with my mother, either, and I dread something like this happening so that I would have to be at her beck and call all the time - don't think I could do it. If she really needs a lot of physical care, there are resources through the hospital and county that could help. Just set some boundaries and try to get by with doing the minimum that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't make you a bad person and it's necessary for your health. Please let us know if we can help with further information on something or if you just want to write in and vent. Let us know how things go.
Thanks for your kind words and advice and yes, I am well taken care of by a female psychiatrist and a therapist who is male but, who has become like my best friend and provides me with a safe and comfortable environment in which to cry, vent, or just talk about how and what I'm going through and how all this makes me feel. I in a way feel like I'm only here out of duty..like I said my younger sister lives in Texas and I was the obvious choice. They have the better relationship but, theirs is a somewhat strained one also. We grew up very dysfunctionally. I don't have the strength to be at my mothers beck and call and my step dad needs to really realize that when i leave to go back home to Redding, CA on Sunday that he needs to step up to the plate and really help to take care of her and make some sacrifices.
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Today is the big day and want to ask that everyone wishes me good luck today with my mom and her lumpectomy for her breast cancer. Didn't really sleep well last night and ate even worse just upset, sad, and worried and like I said although we have a strained relationship, she is the only mom that I have. Its freaking me out that today she's having this procedure so I was up with the dawn patrol at about 4:15 a.m. California time. I took care of my moms pets, fed them, jumped in the shower and have my lists of questions to ask all her doctors and nurses. I am very inquisitive and curious and also am in the medical professional myself and so tend to be very proactive and forthcoming with any and all questions. Mostly want to know what we will all need to expect for the after sugery part and the recovery process. After her incisions have healed she will begin 6 weeks of radiation and she's dropping alot of weight and I hope her doctors will say something to her. She needs to be as healthy as she can be and she is only 5 foot and weighs only 110 lbs I'm not much bigger so this fact also worries me. My step dad like I said is a knuckledragging accountant and makes my mom feel guilty for having cancer and for what it is doing to him. He is in the angry selfish mode and I'm just trying to keep the peace between them and do the best that I can to keep myself sane. Cried alot though yesterday out of stress and worry felt a little better afterward just letting it all out while my stepdad was at work and my mom was in the shower. Today I really have to have my game face on for everyone...and I remembered that just in case I need it, I packed a small bag with books and magazines along with my RX for xanax..which I may or may not need later. Will chat later with all of you and especially you MM..I'll let you know this evening how everything went and what went on and how much tissue was removed. I'll need to talk with someone I'm sure and today I have to be strong for everyone and especially my self and my sister as well as my mom.