My husband left 3 weeks ago, is very depressed, blames and despises me - what can I do?

Hi Sharon

This is a really tough situation to be in.  And especially because you have a child who most likely is not going to understand any of this.  I think it is very important that you do convery to your daughter that both you and your husband love her very much and that what is going on...is not her fault.  Children sometimes have a way of internalizing things because they don't understand.

Your relationship with your husband...it does seem from what you are telling us...that it is at a pivitol point where it may break.  Two weeks is not enough time for an antidepressant to work but then again...a pill is not going to solve the problems within your marraige. 

I guess my question to you is...do you want to make this work?  But too it takes two and he may not be willing to give it another try.  But...what would you do to compromise or...show a willingness to work on your couple issues?  What changes do you both want to see in how you relate to one another? 

Would he be accepting of you both going to marraige counseling?  I have heard mixed reviews of this type of help...some people say it does help and others say it just confirms that a separation is inevitable.

You need to take care of your daughter and her needs and also your needs during this stressful time.  Think about what you will do if he does wish to leave the marriage. 

I wish you the best of luck.  I know this must be one of the hardest times in your life right now.  Keep us updated.  I am sorry you are going through this.

Hi Sharon, my heart is heavy for you and for what you are going through.  I am not a doctor, a pchologist or marriage counsol, but if I were in your shoes, the best advice that I would give is just to "Be still".  Give him space, and time.  He needs this.  Be patient, I know it is probably the hardest thing to do, but slience is "golden"  Maybe some of the others have something more tooffer, but this is just me take.

sherry/smomdukes

My thoughts are that you should get involved with a family counselor so that all of your feelings can be brought out on the table. The child is very vulnerable to both of your actions and you need to setup boundaries with a counselor as to how to handle the situation. Too many people emotionally abuse their children without even realizing what they are doing. 

Leave the communication lines open. Always let your husband know that you are there to listen and support him. Let him know what you appreciate about him every time you connect even if its thru your daughter.

Pat

I am in a similar situation as regards being blamed for my partner's depression and being forced into a separation as a result.  Like your husband's, my partner's worldview has become extreme and rigid and angry. He has been diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication before (which he took briefly. he also had childhood and teenage episodes). But with this current depression he claims he never had depression EVER (even his youth episodes) and that the problem has always been me and our relationship. Yet since "getting rid of" me, he is more depressed than ever and suffering greatly and wonders why.  I've never seen him so angry or confused in his life (13 year relationship).

He does not at this time want couples counseling, because he feels paralyzed and like he can't talk in front of me, though I am the only person still, in fact, that he speaks about his feelings with at all.  (He calls and sees me regularly to do so.) He has decided to use a limited amount of exercise for self-help. If he does seek therapy, I think he will only talk about what's wrong with me and why he decided to stay with me because it seems suddenly very important to him not to acknowledge his lifelong struggle with depression right now. It is all very weird as he openly dealt and acknowledged his troubles in the past and we worked through problems together. I think he has gotten more ill over time from not seeking treatment or doing any self-care.

I think it is hard to predict whether therapy will help your husband or not and whether or not it will hurt your relationship.  I've been to therapy too, and though I'm not a practicing Christian, I've noticed that only Christian counseling seems to believe in marriage preservation.  Other types of therapy seem to encourage people to adopt band-aid fixes ("you need to only take care of you right now") that cause families to fall apart in the interim. If I had "only taken care of me" as often as therapists told me to (and used it as an excuse to isolate), I would have no family, friends, or relationships left right now.  I am not a Codependent Giver either. I'm a realist.  I believe families and societies are interconnected and that's good. (This is a point of view more supported in Asian countries right now than in America.)

Depression of one partner is sometimes very difficult on the other partner .Wow .thats not a revelation EXCEPT the partner who isnt depressed honestly cannot understand depression as a real illness ! "Get over it" is a common answer from one person to another . Imagine a person who has a leg 3 inchs shorter than the other  and you tell them try to stop limping :IE "grow the short leg longer" ! Impossible , but sometime the obvious isnt so obvious .

        As we get older we have certin personality traits we seem unable to change , but, its easier than growing a leg 3inchs longer . Maybe if you made a list, written down of the specific problems with you ,your husband needs to see changes in ....they might be changable . Only the ones that are easy is the first place to start . Additionally  when the medication starts to take effect he will also change . Anexiety , fear , depression  are all hinged upon one another so as things change, so will its preception of the person who is depressed .Time , understand and support  is key .