I guess my question is a product of how I think and perceive things to be. I recently spoke with my old therapist from a couple years back and he said I am having trouble emotionally inside and that I have to get help. I said hmmm ok I'll get help. I called up a few local psychologist and psychiatrist and realized that all I was doing was bitching about every single negative detail throughout my entire life over the phone before they would even sit down with me. I couldn't believe how out of touch with reality I was. That's just me though, always looking for a fast solution. 

I lack confidence and when I do have confidence it's an act to strictly to get through the day. The truth is I am unconfiident and I honsetly don't know why. I feel cursed. think too much and lack focus! and when i say this I mean I literally have my brain trained just to get by, or get through the day. I don't know if i care too much or don't care at all!!

 I like people and i like being productive. I love my friends and family and am greatful for everything i have everyday, but I find ways to make life so difficut and """"uncomfortable""" I don't know how to stop sometimes. It seems intentional.

Anyways as I am starting out on direction towards a new career I figure i need to be as happy and focused as possible to get the ball moving forward.

As i'm studying online for a state insurance exam to start working I came across a blog and found that someone had mentioned to someone else that you have to watch the movie secret. I watched the first 20 minutes on youtube and became completley hooked. I can't help but believe in it. i started researching outside it and rented the full movie. I can't get my mind off of some of the things they address. After two years of seeing a psychologist with questionabel results i can't help but believe that mastering this will really help a depressed indidividual see the whole picture. I've tried applying it to my life and  have failed in some ways but I believe I can master it and start succeeding. The problems is I am not focused on what i should be doing and that's passing the state boards. Anyways to make a long strory short I am writing this info about me when i should be studying for teh boards, and this is after an unusual,uncomfortable,miserable,boring,night drinking with friends i have known my entire life and care deeply for. How the hell do i let this be the case?? The way i look at it now is last night was just another worst night of my life and I just let it be what it was. What i always do is eventually forget every single thing that happend that night. People will talk about things I was apart of all the time and I honestly pretend to remember but I forget because I don't remeber much. I just want to be happy confident and fun.

Anyways I want to learn to refocus and make sence of my life. I understand this is drawn out and difficult for you as a reader to understand and digest but if you are some kind of an expert and see a pattern here I would like to have a happy life. To be honest I can't think of anytime in my life that I was truly happy and that's probably because I rarely felt confident, good, focused, and accomplished. In fact all I want to do is feel that. all i do is ask how? All the ever happends is nothing... i have accomplished nothing I feel good about and i cant think of anything that I really want to do. I rarely finish anything. Heeeellp please if you have advice. It would be greatly appreciated.