I've never really thought of the possibility that I may be depressed or need to seek help. Certain experiences in my life have triggered these feelings before. Only now after doing some research have I considered taking these feelings seriously and doing something.
A couple of years ago, I had an abortion. What I am experiencing now feels very similar to what I went through, but at times it feels worse. Recently, my sister announced that she was pregnant. My family is so happy for her, especially because she is the first in my generation who will have a child. I unexpectedly felt overwhelmed by a lot of the bad feelings I felt when I went through my abortion. When she announced it first to my parents, the memory of telling my parents I was pregnant (I was in college, but living at home) came screaming back to me. It has been so difficult to see my family rally to her side to support her, even though I realize that she has taken the traditional steps (she graduated college, has a career, and is married). When I was pregnant, there was no one in my life who made me feel loved and supported. My dad was the only person who said he would love and support me either way, but my mother said there was no way she would support me or my child. My boyfriend also wanted nothing do with us.
In the long run, I know I made the best decision for myself. But I still mourn the loss of what was inside me. It especially hurts when my family says that my sister's baby is the first grandchild, because it isn't. The only people who knew about what I went through are my parents, obviously, and my sister.
What also nearly sent me over the edge was people inquiring about the ultrasound picture my sister will be receiving soon. Before my procedure, I had gone to the doctors and they did an ultrasound and gave me a picture. They did not know that I was not planning to keep it, but I still have the picture. It physically hurts me when I see that picture and have nothing to show for it.
What I most want is to feel happy for my sister. My problem is my problem, and it's not fair that it is taking away from me feeling happy for her. I want help, but I have no idea where to even begin. Plus, I have no medical insurance and can't really afford it. Any assistance with finding help is greatly appreciated.
I took the quiz on this website to see if what I'm feeling are symptoms of depression. I'm alarmed because the results suggested bi-polar disease and that I should seek help. Where can I turn to?
