Hi All, I am 36 and a "relapsed nutcase"~I am new as of last night to this post(I believe everything happens for a reason and thats how I stumbled upon this site) I have been dealing with anxiety/depression/mild ocd thoughts since 1997~Just this last November I bottomed out after reducing and having my Doc change meds since we lost health Ins. and I needed cheaper meds~needless to say I started on a downward spiral to be locked in repetive thoughts inside my brain, of worry, fear,anxiety, not sleeping,not being able to eat,concentrate, crying and basically feeling myself slip away from the beauty of being in the "reality of life"~I have said to my family & friends that I am in a mental hell locked inside my brain~which won't stop worring if I'm going to plundge off the deep end. I have been a very outgoing, happy, optimist all my life and see that the grass is green under my feet. Anyways no doctor could give me a "class of depression"~just told me I have major depression,high anxiety,ocd thoughts~but when my meds work, I work! I'm hating myself for putting my family,children(who truly don't understand why mommy is not acting like mommy) & friends(which I have isolated myself from only to received their txt msgs asking "R U Still Alive", "Did U Fall Of the Earth", "Please call me and let me know what's going on".ect. through this, especially my husband, and the strain on our marriage is way to much~he can't understand and is not compassionate to my illness~I just don't want to be alone in my struggles and would love to share our crosses we bear together. As of December I am taking 75mg of Anafranil three x's a day(wonder dug for me) Ativan prn , and lamectil (100 mg) and as of yesterday my doctor added .2mg of Abilify at night~Side effects suck if I can only hang in there to give them a chance. Our brains show our illness, so why can't our doctors do catscans to see if there is progress. I would rather have any other illness besides "mental"~it's all a guessing game which effects our soul,our being, and can take us to the bottom and lock us in our own fears, not knowing if we'll ever return to our "normal" self~Please anyone share with me your fears, I hate being alone, trapped with these doom filled feelings & thoughts~I feel I had it all and let it slip away all because of not being able to afford medicine~so now I am paying the price and starting ALL OVER at the bottom and wondering which way(drug) will take me up . One last question~has anyone everysaid to their doctor, "I just want to stop taking all these pills" and drink alcohol instead~the noraml drug of choice~people understand alcoholism! And I am/was a happy drinker. I even begged her to cut off my arm if it would make my brain issues go away 4ever(Ha!) if it was only that easy~Fealing Alone And A Social Outcast )0: Missing out of the fullness of life and watching everyday slip by. WANTING "ME" BACK!!
Q: Changed Med's Because of cost & It's costing me my normal life~
Hello, there. I am sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Please hang in there, because it will get better. I'm giving you a link to a sharepost by Merely Me on how to get mental health care when you don't have insurance or money. It sounds like you could also use a good therapist for support. I've lived with depression for most of my life and most of the time, it's under control, but there are times when I have to either increase the dosage or try adding something else to it when I start going down. I don't think I would have survived without a good psychiatrist and therapist. You can certainly write here any time, but it's not quite the same as being able to talk to somebody face-to-face.
I wish you the best and hope you'll write again and let us know how you're doing.
It sounds like you are on a lonely journey and no one understands. Believe me, many of us at this forum DO understand. But I'm glad to see you are trying medication. It may not get to the real root of your problems, but it should help you recover to the point where some of the color comes back into your life, and recover enough that you can deal with things more easily. You say "relapsed nutcase" -- have you faced depression before? Sometimes it comes in cycles. If so, the good thing is that just as you cycled into depression, you know you will cycle out. This is not permanent.
There are a lot of pressures that make depression harder to deal with -- financial concerns, loss of insurance, children and spouse that can't understand, dealing with the side effects of medication. In some cases, you don't even know which came first -- the depression or the pressures of life. Try to stay in touch with friends, if only to drop them a note of appreciation for their concern. You need female friends to share your problems with...and you need to listen to theirs. There is a saying that, "A burden shared is a burden halved."
I don't know what else to say. I'm really sorry your husband doesn't understand. Men often don't. They can't do anything about it, so they deny it is real, or they get mad about it, they blame you, they blame themselves, and it is easier to turn a cold shoulder than for him to deal with his own feelings of insufficiency.
Keep coming back. I would like to hear how things go...
Donna
One more thing -- if there has been a medication or medications that DO work and help you function at a higher level, you must do what you can to keep taking them. I had to try many meds before finding a combination that worked. And one of them...I swear I couldn't live 3 months without it. I go straight to the bottom and stay there and become nonfunctional if I don't take it daily.
Did you know some of the big pharmaceutical companies will help people get the meds they need? Write the one(s) that supplied the medication that worked for you. Tell them how well it worked and that you are in crisis and have to have it. See if they won't give you a discount at least.
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