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Sunday, March 04, 2012 Bev1234, Community Member, asks

Q: boyfriend depressed.....Don't know what to do???

My boyfriend of about 6 months is suffering from bad depression. He is going through many life changes at the moment and also suffered in the past with seasonal depression. So while the biggest life changes are happening in the winter, I guess its on overload. When we first got together everything was amazing, he was head over heels for me and I had helped him through a difficult time and he told me he has never been as happy as he is with me. For the last month he has been aggitated, distant, doesnt call me back or text back, it got so bad where he wasnt only distant towards me but everyone else. I barely hear from him anymore and its breaking my heart. I have no doubt he cares about me deeply, he has said it. This whole mood change just hit me like a ton of bricks. When you go from an amazing relationship to this dark eery distance it can break your heart. He called me and wanted to meet up and I thought he was going to break up. But instead he apologised for the way he has been acting and explained it is from depression and his way of dealing with it is to bury himself in his work, and he said he needed time to get through this. So I said ok, I understand you need time but I am here for anythig you need. He tried therapy once but said he wont go back cause it didnt help, and he cant take meds for medical reasons. Since then about 3 weeks ago, I have barely heard from him and havent seen him. I miss him more than words can say, but I know i'm doing the right thing by backing off but also not showing him how upset I am because I dont want to be selfish. I send a positive text here and there letting him know I care and I miss him and if he needs me I'm here. I can't help but be sad. I want what we had back and I'll wait for it because he's worth it and I love him. If theres any positive reassuring words out there I would greatly appreciate them.

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Answers (1)
Judy, Community Member
3/ 4/12 11:28pm

Bev, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  I don't know if you've read many of the posts and questions on this site, but your situation is a very common one.  Frankly, there's not a lot you can do if your boyfriend is not willing to get help.  Trying therapy once and saying it didn't help is not a real effort.  Maybe he's not able to make that effort right now, I don't know.  A few months ago, our community leader, Merely Me, wrote this sharepost about depression and relationships that you may find helpful.  The big thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and not put your life on hold while waiting for him to take care of his.  Hopefully, he'll get past this.  There's a book you might find helpful called "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terence Real, who writes about what depression is like for men and why they tend to not get help.


Thanks for your question and I hope you'll feel free to write in any time.  A lot of us here not only live with depression but also have loved ones who have gone through it, or still are.  Take care and hope everything works out the way you want it to.

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By Bev1234, Community Member— Last Modified: 03/04/12, First Published: 03/04/12