Hi Sue,

I just came upon your letter in the forum and I see that it's been a few months since you posted this. I hope that things have gotten better for you since then, but I do have some advice which I hope will help you.

I agree. Two people can't live together 24/7 without driving each other batty, and there's no reason that the person to go batty should be you. Battling the domineering ways of another person with anti-depressents and anti-anxiety meds is a losing battle. After all, even if they cured your ailments, he would still be there with every glorious flaw. There is something seriously wrong with how your husband allows you no space and you MUST do something positive about it. Here are some suggestions for the something positive:

1) Find a no or low-cost option for counseling. Tell your husband that you're losing your mind and that you're going to see a counselor with or without him. Choose a therapist who specializes in both individual and couples counseling. If your husband comes along, fine. You can explain to the counselor what you're going through with him in the room. Then maybe he will explore his reasons for turning your life into a claustrophobic hell. Who knows? He might even gain some insight into his own controlling ways.

2) If this fails, get a job - any job. You need the money, your husband is eating into your savings and you desperately need time away from the madness. Unless you fear he will hurt you physically, this is the way to go. If you can't find a paid job, volunteer. Try to find a place with other women who may have much in common with you. It will also help your self-esteem enormously.

3) Find your husband a part time job or hobby. Once I had a job as a night security guard at a major corporate site. It was in a safe, suburban area and aside from the fact that I had to work late hours, my only worry was that I would die of boredom. One day my old supervisor quit and was replaced by a man in his 70's with a bad temper and a talent for ordering people around. I soon learned that his son, an executive at the company, had gotten him the job there. It seems he had retired and was driving his poor wife batty. The son had gotten involved to give his mother some well-deserved peace and quiet at home!

4)Take care of your own health. Begin an exercise program. It can be anything - walking is just fine. If your husband comes along with you, great. He'll get in shape too. Even better, try to find others who will walk with you. The more you surround your self with other people, the less your husband will bother you - and the more he'll have to deal with the stares and comments of others. Follow this up with learning to prepare healthy meals filled with fruits and vegetables. If cooking is your thing, reach out to others through food. Join Weight Watchers and attend meetings, invite others to join a healthy cooking club or volunteer at a food co-op.

5)Basically, anything positive that you decide to do will be a step in the right direction. You may ultimately decide to leave him, but in order to do that you need to take baby steps. Take care of your health and work on losing the weight. Find a way to become independent, both financially and emotionally. Reach out to others who may be able to help you. Don't try to do everything at once or you will become overwhelmed. This is a difficult situation and you want to handle it with the respect and insight that it deserves. You deserve love, you deserve peace of mind and you deserve to have your personal boundaries respected. Just because he's your husband it doesn't give him the right to live your life for you.

I wish you the best of luck and the strength to get through this troubled time. Don't try to get through this on your own. This world is a really tough place, but it's all we have. Live your own life on your own terms until your time is done.