Thanks.  Any tries or better than nothing.  I think if i did not know the man above and put so much trust in him i would be on the suicidal side of the hill. Im trying to be the strong person that everybody trust in when im hurting inside. So i go month by month plannig for what might be the end , feeling like im there at the end preparring and planning putting things in order. lost my mother 2008 and it seems to be getting worse not better.  that was my pride and joy, my everything. feeling lost and hopeless. when i do laugh at something my thoughts inside remind me im crying inside hurt ,let down and dont know what else to do.  i keep telling myself not to give up but what am i to press on for.

Keep on trusting that man above, all is not lost.  One thing I've learned is that we have such an impact on people that we know nothing about and if you were not here, someone would not be benefitting from your life.  I would guess that the grief of losing your mother has probably compounded the depression; sometimes grief can morph into depression and leave you stuck and that's why it's good to get some help.  You don't have to be strong all the time.  I've been there, too.  It's hard to admit when you're powerless in some things - we can't be everything to everybody.  If you have any trouble finding a doctor or therapist, let me know and I can maybe help you.  And remember, if it doesn't feel like the right person to work with, look for someone else because healing requires your trusting somebody that you can lean on when things get tough.  Make that call soon, okay?  Let me know how things turn out.